Fragile Ghosts
by livsgrace
Summary: You never think it's going to happen to you and then it happened to Amanda's daughter, Meredith. Suddenly nothing's as it seems anymore and things just continue to spiral down out of their control. When faced with the task of getting through something so horrific, it seems the only thing that may help you is the people who continue to love you, even when you don't love yourself.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi all,**

**This is my first SVU fic and it takes place around season 14, give or take a bit. **

**Trigger warning; rape and other mature themes - Will give warning at each chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters (However Meredith is mine), nor am I making any kind of profit from this. **

**Enjoy and please review!**

The street lights fluttered on beneath the window of where Meredith Rollins stood, leant against the wall, staring out of the tiny window her bedroom offered. She watched a couple walk down the side walk, hand in hand. She hated the city, the towering skyscrapers, the dark alley's and the never ending noise.

She hadn't warmed up to the idea of New York since they'd arrived from Atlanta a year ago. She'd begged her mom to let her stay with her grandparents, and all that had come from it were raised voices and slammed doors. Eventually Meredith had come out of her room, forced a smile on her face and told her that she'd love to come.

New York really wasn't much different from Atlanta, and Amanda had taken every opportunity to point out the similarities when they arrived, but it just wasn't the same. Meredith couldn't remember the last time she'd brought it up. They'd moved, and that was that. The teenager had learnt to grit her teeth and deal with it.

It just wasn't the same for Meredith. She missed spending the weekends at her grandparents, and seeing the animals at the ranch down the road from them. She'd always had so much fun the times that her Aunt Kim had been around but Amanda had kept her away from her at every chance possible, even if Kim had been there. Christmas and birthdays had really been the only time Meredith had seen her, but as always, Amanda had kept her within arms reach. As she'd gotten older Meredith had heard the conversations, the comments and she'd slowly begun to understand why her mother had been so protective of her.

School was something that Meredith loved in Atlanta and she had a group of friends that seemed like the type who'd be there through everything and anything. They got on well, and had many cherished memories between them. She'd always been a good friend; kind and compassionate. Meredith had honestly believed that they liked her for her she was. Then she'd said she was leaving, and they all ran in the other direction. None of them had bid her goodbye, that being one of the only things that had made leaving easier.

The 16 year old blinked then, snapping out of her nostalgic daydream and moved over to where her phone was plugged in, charging. Checking the time, she realized it was getting later and hurried to her wardrobe, needing to find something to wear.

She settled on a pair of tights, a dark navy skirt and a loose fitting white tee shirt, a pair of heeled boots on her feet. Her phone flashed, with the site of a new text and she shook her head as she saw who it was from, the guy she'd fell for the moment she'd walked in to her History class for the first time at school, Zak. Of course, as everything else in her life it hadn't quite worked out and things had ended rather brutally between them a few months ago. She'd managed to keep it under the radar, and thankfully her mother had never found out about it. Unlocking it, she read through and scoffed at the latest excuse for what he'd done.

"You cheating bastard" She muttered under her breath. Sitting on her bed she let out a sigh as she reached for her bag, making sure her wallet and keys were inside. She threw her phone in before standing and making her way over to the door way,

"Mom I'm going out tonight." She called, and heard footsteps approach.

The blonde haired detective gave her a smile. Although she didn't really approve of her daughter walking through the streets of New York alone in the dark, she knew it was one of the things she had to let her do. The poor girl had really struggled with the move, and she'd struggled even more with making friends. Keeping her cooped up in their apartment wasn't the way forward and time and time again Meredith had told her that she only had to walk for 15 minutes tops, and endure a 20 minute train ride. Amanda had done her fair share of stupid things as a teenager, and she knew that if she held the teenager back from doing the safer things that she wanted to do, she'd only find a way to do it behind her back.

"Where to hon?" She asked and Meredith grinned, picking up her leather jacket and pulling it on.

"Just Ainsley's." She replied, looking at herself in the mirror one last time before facing her mother who was leaning against the doorframe.

"Just Ainsley's?" Always so many questions with Amanda.

"Well and the rest of our study group, you met them that time you insisted on driving me? It's cool, okay Mom. She just got some beers and a stack of movies. Nothing bad is gonna happen." She moved past her into the living area of their small, but homey apartment.

"I don't want you drinking too much, and be home by 11, okay?"

Meredith just nodded, She didn't really like drinking as it was and she knew her mom's overprotectiveness was only down to the horrors she saw at work, the numbers men had done to countless women, time and time again. The streets of New York could be dangerous at night, and Amanda hadn't really held back in making sure Meredith knew that, even though the teenager had protested, saying that she already knew how 'bloody awful' they were.

She loved her all the same.

"Yeah, I promise." She finally said with a smile, moving back over to hug her,

After a moment, she let out a giggle. "Mom, I can't breathe." She felt her mom smile into the top of her head before releasing her.

"Love you, Mere."

"Love you too Mom. Don't wait up for me." Even saying it, she knew she'd arrive home to her watching re runs of Friends. It was one of the things that the two loved. They often spent a quiet night at home on the couch a bowl of popcorn on the table and their dog, Frannie, curled up on the floor in front of them. It seemed stupid now that she thought about it, but it was one of the things that helped Meredith agree to moving, New York didn't look nearly so bad on Friends as it did in the stories she heard.

"See you later kiddo, ring if ya need me." Meredith nodded and gave a small smile, walking over to the door. She gave one last glance over her shoulder before making her way out and down the hall to the elevator.

**xo**

It was cold out, and the light wind cut right through her tights and leather jacket. She gave a huff, and quickened her pace towards the entrance to the train station.

Reaching it 5 minutes later, she hurried down the steps, glad for some shelter from the chilled evening. The station was pretty empty, with only a small amount of people around. One man was pacing back and forth, yelling into his phone and a couple of lovebirds were sat on one of the benches, latched to one another. Meredith rolled her eyes before making her way to stand closer to the edge.

She didn't have to wait very long as she heard the train approaching, and she pulled her phone out of her bag as she moved into the warmth. A girl, with bright blue hair shoved past her, just about knocking her down as she left. Meredith gave a grunt as she was pushed. By the time she'd turned to face the door however, the girl was nearly out of site, running across the station her hair billowing out behind her.

"Bitch." She muttered under her breath, shaking her head as she took her pick of seats. As she settled, the train lurched forward and Meredith unlocked her phone, resisting the urge to give a deep sigh and eye roll at the text she'd just received from her mom.

"Be safe, love ya x" It said, simple, but to the point. Meredith loved her mother but sometimes she could be a bit over the top.

Forcing herself to reply back, she typed in a cheesy message, finished it off with a 'x' and pressed send. She didn't receive one back, and she soon became intent at passing the current level she was stuck on in her game of Candy Crush.

Ainsley's apartment was only a train ride and short walk away from hers, and she hopped up as she sensed the train coming to a stop, holding on to the back of the seat. The doors opened with a hiss, and Meredith hurried out, having not seen one of her good friends for a couple of days.

Ainsley was one of the smartest girls at school. Science, math, English. She could pretty much do it all. Meredith, while she tried hard and still got decent grades, just couldn't compete with her. The two girls meeting had been a funny story really. Meredith had been hiding in the corner of the library one lunch, cramming for the chemistry quiz they were having and Ainsley had come across her just about in tears. The petite red head had sat down with her for half an hour, going over the basics of what they'd learnt during the last couple of classes.

Meredith had passed the quiz with flying colors, and ever since then, they'd been pretty good friends, the blonde was just glad she'd had someone to call a friend. While she was charismatic and polite to everyone she came across, she'd been laughed at for her southern accent and looks.

The two had started up a small study group not long after meeting and they'd met up every Tuesday night since, as well as seeing each other every day at school. All 8 of them had recently passed their English papers with the top mark available, and to celebrate they were having a girls night at Ainsley's, complete with a cringe worthy romance film that Carla was bringing.

Reaching the apartment building, Meredith frowned as she thought she heard loud music coming from inside. Hoping it wasn't the floor she was going to, she quickly pulled open the door and made her way inside, moving over to the elevator, calling out to the person inside to hold it.

She gave a smile of thanks as she got in, going to press the button to the 7th floor. Noticing it was already lit up she turned to face the other person and paused, trying to remember the apartment caretakers name.

"Holden, right?" She asked, and he gave her a smile.

"Yes ma'am." Nodding. She smiled back.

"Not Ainsley Peter's apartment I hope." She sighed and he gave a half nod.

"Noise complaint." Slightly annoyed at the group of girls she turned to face the doors. As it came to a halt she rushed off, a bad mood beginning to form. She stopped and turned, sensing Holden behind her.

"Give me ten?" She gave a hopeful smile and he gave a wave of his hand.

"Sure thing missy, if the music's toned down I won't bother you lot." He told her.

"Thanks a heap!" She called as he turned to wander back to the elevator.

Another frown crossed her face as he didn't reply, but she quickly shrugged it off and focused on the door down the end of the hall.

Trying to keep herself calm, she strode towards it, and as she reached it, she went to knock, before letting her hand fall on the door knob. Turning it, she pushed open the door to a sight that made her want walk right back out. The music was turned up to the max, the room smelt like smoke and every single person was holding cups of jack.

**A/N: I wasn't actually planning on uploading this for a while, but I felt that I wanted to hear some opinions on it.**

**I know that this chapter is a little boring, but I'll have chapter 2 up in the next few days**

**Don't forget to favorite, alert and review (: Let me know your thoughts! **

**Do you guys like Meredith so far?**

**Thanks,  
Liv. **


	2. Chapter 2

**So here's chapter 2! **

**I'd like to give a big thanks to my reviewers: FreakyGreenEyes123 , morbidlymorbid and outoftheashes88. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters (However Meredith is mine), nor am I making any kind of profit from this.**

**Enjoy **

Meredith stood for a moment and simply took in the sights that had overwhelmed her. She was about to walk right back out when,

"Mere! You made it!" Ainsley bounded up to her, her curled hair bouncing as she moved.

"Yeah I did." She muttered. "What happened to a quiet night with the girls?" She asked, noting two dozen guys scattered round the room, and all of them looked older than them.

"What's the fun in that!? Have a drink girl, loosen up." She shook Meredith's shoulder before dragging her over to the drinks table.

"Take yo' pick" Ainsley slurred with a grin. Meredith wanted to slap her, but she kept her mouth shut and poured herself a coke.

"C'mon girlfriend." The other girl looked offended at the brunette's choice of drink, and she quickly uncapped a bottle of vodka and tipped it up, until Meredith grabbed the bottles neck, tilting it back up. She gave a disgruntled sigh but picked up the cup, knowing Ainsley would be out of her hair soon enough. She watched her with wide eyes until she took a sip, just about choking on the burn as it hit her throat. Giving a small cough she forced a smile on her face.

"That's the spirit" Ainsley cheered, causing a couple of guys to look over their way.

"He's totally checking you out." She then loudly whispered to Meredith, causing her to blush. She didn't have a boyfriend, exactly, but she did have Jamie.

She'd met her best friend, Jamie on her first day of her new school. He'd been in several of her classes and had given her an unofficial tour of the school, including the best places to go if you were skipping class. The two had been close ever since. At the end of the day, he was her person and they looked out for one another. The two had never really been that way at all. However, as she liked to forget, they'd had sex not long after they'd meet, and hadn't talked about it since. Meredith had felt nothing but guilty for weeks after, but was glad that the moment had slipped right under Amanda, and she hadn't had a clue.

The jock looking boy Ainsley had pointed out made his way over, a lopsided grin on his face.

"I'll leave you to it. Go get em' girl." Ainsley squealed, before taking off across the room and Meredith only groaned.

"Hey" He said, placing an arm round her shoulder and she inhaled the stench of alcohol and BO.

"Hi there." She replied, trying not to cringe and duck away.

"You single little lady?" Straight to the point, with this guy.

"Uh, it's complicated." Meredith stammered, placing her cup down as he let his hand move from her shoulder to the small of her back.

"Is that so." He breathed into her neck, and Meredith had to force herself not to gag.

"For sure." She muttered and he grinned.

"I like your accent cowgirl." Again, Meredith cringed.

Grabbing her hand, he dragged her across the room and in through an open door. Realizing where it was going, she tried pulling away from him, but even as he was drunk, he was still incredibly strong.

She then saw that he'd managed to get her into the bedroom, and she didn't have a chance to get away before they'd made their way to the bed. He sat down, taking her with him and some of his drink managed to end up on her skirt.

"Sorry about that." His hands moved up her leg and she cursed herself for letting herself get into this kind of situation.

"Hey baby?" She questioned, putting on a sickly sweet voice that made herself shudder.

"Ya?" Moving her hands down to rest on top of his, she waited till he looked up at her before she replied.

"I need to go freshen up, before you know..." She gave him a wink and his face lit up.

"Okay! Don't be too long though." She gave a nod before getting up and breathing a sigh of relief as she reached the door. She gave him one last long and noticed he was more interested in the fly of his jeans then where she was going, and she slipped out. Meredith grabbed her bag off the floor where she'd left it and made a bee line for the front door.

She leant against the wall once outside and pulled out her phone. As she was checking the time, Holden appeared again, an annoyed expression on his face. It lightened when he saw Meredith and he almost looked sympathetic.

"Alright miss?" He asked and she gave a nod.

"Yeah, it's crazy in there."

"You leaving?"

"Definitely." She gave a small laugh, turning to leave.

"Want me to call you a cab?" The older man seemed concerned, and Meredith couldn't quite place it.

"No thank you, I'll be right."

"Only if you're sure." He double checked and she smiled.

"Yeah Holden. Good luck in there."

He waved his hand at her, before heavily knocking on the door.

Meredith didn't know if he'd been heard, but she hurried down the hall without a second glance, not wanting to find out.

The elevator opened in a couple of seconds, and Meredith rode it back down to the ground floor. She didn't really understand what had happened, and where the communication had gone wrong. Ainsley hadn't ever really been like that at all before, and she'd only seen the red head drunk once before. She swore she hadn't even seen the other girls from study there, but now that she'd left, it wasn't her problem.

She thought about calling Amanda, knowing her mother would jump at the chance to come and pick her up. But then she knew calling so soon after leaving would only send her into panic, the worst crossing her mind. She decided to just make her way back to the train and take it from there.

The wind had eased and the night wasn't so cold anymore. Cars passed her regularly, but for a night in New York it was pretty quiet out.

It was then that she heard the footsteps. Heavy, thudding along behind her. She quickened her pace, listening to the tempo change to match hers. This was the kind of thing that her mother taught her about, how it was meant to ring alarm bells in her head. She crossed the road at the next block, and made her way down a different street. She eventually came across an open diner. She breathed a sigh of relief as the footsteps had seemed to have stopped.

Pushing open the door, she fumbled in her bag for her wallet, pulling out a couple of notes that would buy her a coffee and half an hour.

The waitress took her order as she sat at the front counter, drumming her fingers on the countertop.

She gave a small smile as 'Maria' came back over, placing the steaming cup in front of her. Meredith thanked her, and then added milk and sugar before taking a small sip.

"Ya okay girl?" Maria asked, looking down at her.

Meredith gave a nod, "I'm fine thank you, just killing some time." Polite, but it got the older woman off her back as she gave a shrug and moved to refill someone else's cup.

The footsteps were long forgotten as Meredith reached the end of her coffee, her mind still going over what had happened at Ainsley's. She still couldn't figure it out, but that girl would have some serious explaining to do on Monday at school.

She stood, grabbed her things, laying out another enough money to pay for the drink as well as a couple of dollars as a tip before she made her way back over to the door.

"Be safe kid." The woman called out and she nodded, pushing open the door and stepping back out into the street lit night.

Starting back down the street, she felt slightly more confident then she had before and slowing her pace, she began to settle.

That was when the kid appeared. A blonde little boy who looked no more than 7. He grabbed her arm as she stopped and gave it a tug, looking upset. Taking a breath she bent down to his level.

"What's wrong buddy?" She asked, and he shook his head. "You lost?" Again, he shook his head before replying.

"Mommy fell over. She won't wake up." He said and she sighed, but gave the boy a nod, glad she'd taken the short but helpful first aid course the had been offered at school earlier in the year.

"You got to help." He tugged on her arm again, harder and she shook herself from her thoughts.

"Of course!" She followed the boy down the street and then a side alley. She hadn't a clue why the mother and son had gone down into a dark side street, but she kept moving forward anyway.

He stopped and she glanced forward into the murky darkness. As she did so, she sensed someone behind her. Before she had a chance to turn or move, a hand clamped down over her mouth, another grabbed her hair. The boy had let her go of her and giggled, for a moment she was confused, dazed. And then she realized. It was happening to her. The stories her mom refused to tell her, what she didn't know, she was about to learn.

**Cliffhanger! I know this chapter was pretty short, but I felt like this was the perfect spot to end chapter 2 (; **

**The more reviews I get, the faster I upload... :)**

**Again, let me know your thoughts and I'll have chapter 3 up soon.**

**Thanks,  
Liv **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, **

**Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews! They are all very encouraging and I'm glad you're enjoying this as much as I am, writing it! **

**This is quite a short chapter but I felt like this is what it should be so here's chapter 3! **

**Trigger warning; rape. It does happen in this chapter but I haven't written it in an awful amount of detail, but precede with caution. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

_It was happening to her. The stories her mom refused to tell her, what she didn't know, she was about to learn._

The man grunted something into her neck, but she couldn't make out what he said. Knees shaking, he suddenly shoved her head first into the brick wall that lined the alley. Meredith tasted blood in her mouth, and her forehead throbbed from where she'd copped the blow. She heard him move towards her and too stunned to move, she let out a cry as his hands reached her neck. Pressing down on it, she coughed and spluttered as she struggled to breathe. Then the pressure released, and her head came in contact with the brick wall again, as he slammed her back against it. Bursts of light clouded her vision and the pain made her feel blurry, like she wasn't really there. But she was, and she could only guess as to what was going to happen next.

Meredith heard his pants unzip and let out a cry, weak but still with a sense of desperation. He pulled her bag from her and threw it down the alley, out of site, and out of reach. Her jacket came off, and the balding man had quickly managed to hitch up her skirt, ripping the pair of tights she'd been wearing, and pulling down her panties, scratching her skin as he did so.

Holding her against the wall with one strong arm, she tried to fight against it. She began to claw at his face with the arm that he couldn't hold quite as well, muttering some kind of protest at the mans actions. Her hand came into contact with his face once or twice and what sounded like a growl raised in the back of his throat. The darkness made it hard to see anything, but she swore she saw him smile then as a silver blade glinted in the shadows. He made a small nick on her neck and she bit back a scream as she felt a bead of blood roll down her neck. Meredith could then feel his hands, his bare legs. The thought of what we was going to do, made bile rise in her throat, but she managed to keep it down, the sick feeling never leaving her stomach.

The pain was what she felt before anything else. When she'd had sex with Jamie it had been passionate, and foolish. Nothing like she was about to experience. This was violent, the only passion lying in the mans urges. Tears streaming down her face, he moved his focus to her neck, kissing her and pulling at her hair. She felt him inside her, and the cloudiness of her mind kept her from being able to kick or scream, to fight. Instead she kept murmuring the two pleading words under her breath that she knew would have no effect on the man assaulting her at all.

Meredith let her mind drift, and at one point she found herself wondering if it was the end, if she was dying. She thought about her mom, specifically the times she'd come home quiet. Those were the nights when Meredith would sit cross legged next to her on the couch, a cup of hot chocolate in her hand and she'd ask what was wrong. Almost every time Amanda would explain to her that another man had hurt a little girl. Meredith now realized why it hurt her mother so much, why it had her mom staring at her in a way that made her feel like she was dying, that one day she'd just be gone and Amanda would be on her own. And now her mom's worst nightmare was coming true, her own daughter was falling victim to the men she hunted for a living.

She wandered in and out of a state of awareness and eventually the pain numbed and she felt nothing, just the hot breath of the man against her skin. He laughed at her then, and she heard him zip up his pants. The knife he'd used on her neck earlier was pulled back out of his pocket and she heard him flick the switchblade open. Thinking he was just going to make another threat, she felt herself weaken and that was when she came to a shock, as he suddenly dragged it across her forearm. In shock from the pain she couldn't even find her voice to let out a scream. Instead, the hot pressure boiled up underneath her skin, and she let out an involuntary whimper instead. The pressure from his arms released then and she leant against the wall, struggling to hold herself up. He was still stood in front of her, and he watched her for a moment, as she blinked heavily, the shadows clouding her vision.

He turned leave then, and she caught sight of the army style pants that he was wearing, heard the heavy thud of his boot against the concrete. Meredith felt herself begin to sway, and as she started to sink to the floor he whirled around, striking out with his leg and kicking her square in the gut.

Winded, she fell to the floor, landing on her stomach. She watched him walk away, and heard him laughing. The childish sound of the young boy laughing cut straight to her core. And as the alley turned silent she began to cry, and then she started to sob as the numbness gave way to the pain. She tasted blood, she felt it dripping down her forehead. Slowly she reached up to where the pain radiated from the back of her head and felt a sticky matted patch of hair underneath her fingers.

She didn't know how long she'd lay there for, but in between breaths she soon realized that she had two choices. Either continue lying there, and rot. Or find a way to help herself, and get out of this mess.

Trying not to move too much, she glanced about for where her bag had been tossed. It was difficult in the dark, and at one point she figured she would just give up, and wait for someone else to save the day.

That was when she spotted it, the small outline of the red clutch was a mere 10 meters away and inside, was her phone, was help. All she had to do was find the strength to reach it.

Not knowing any better way to do so, she began dragging herself forward with her arms, feeling the concrete graze them with every push and pull. The pain was excruciating, and she had to stop at one point, needing time to breathe, before she tried again.

Eventually she reached it, and pulled it towards her, tears rolling down her cheek. She rummaged through her bag as best she could with one arm, trying to hold herself up with the other. Her fingers closed around it soon enough, and she brought it out, the screen illuminating her face. Rolling onto her side, she unlocked it and paused. Who was she supposed to call? She couldn't call her mom, Ainsley would be sitting with her face in the toilet at this point and she didn't really have anyone else, apart from Jamie. She thought about it for a moment before deciding that she couldn't do that to him. He wouldn't be able to get to wherever she was as his car was in getting fixed at the moment.

It was funny, that Amanda had told her all about what to do to avoid these situations, but she'd never once mentioned what the hell to do if she did fall victim one night.

Scrolling through her contacts, she finally got to the name that she felt she could call. She lingered on it for a moment before checking the time, completely unaware at the time she'd spent in the alley. 10:47pm. She knew Nick would still be awake, whether he was at work or not. Taking a labored breath she pressed the call button and held the phone to her ear, feeling herself shaking.

After moving up from Atlanta, she'd had a hard time settling in, having no friends for months apart from Jamie. At work, her mom hadn't been the only new detective and Meredith had quickly made friends with detective Amaro. She hadn't had any kind of father figure growing up, and even though she was embarrassed to admit it to herself, she knew she felt like Nick was starting to take that place.

She didn't have to wait very long for him to pick up and when he did his voice was laced in concern and confusion.

**Sorry for it being so short, but I did decide that I wanted this scene to be one chapter of it's own and I think it works!**

**I'll have chapter 4 up in the next few days, but the more reviews - the faster the upload!**

**Let me know your thoughts! What do you think Nick's going to say? **

**Thanks,  
Liv**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone,**

**Thank you so much, again for your wonderful reviews. You guys are the best! I did take into consideration what someone had suggested and edited this so I hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

_She didn't have to wait very long for him to pick up and when he did his voice was laced in concern and confusion._

"Meredith?" Nick asked, voice laced with confusion and concern. Olivia looked up from her place at her desk and raised an eyebrow at the mention of the teenagers name her fellow detective as he waited for her reply.

"Nick." She breathed, stumped on what to say.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" She felt tears slide down her face and she shut her eyes.

"No and I dunno where I am." Meredith eventually got out, trying to keep herself from crying.

"Have you been drinking?" He asked rather sharply and she let out a sob.

"I wouldn't. I just, help." Ending in a whisper she felt the phone slipping from her grip and she readjusted it against her ear.

"I'm on my way sweetie." He promised, his tone soft and she heard movement on the other side of the line.

"I don't know where I am." She repeated in another sob.

"It's okay, it's okay." He murmured as he beckoned for another officer to come over and help him track the call.

The officer quickly pulled up the location and Nick breathed a sigh of relief, before standing and calling out to Liv who also stood and grabbed her jacket.

"You're not too far from us, We'll be there soon." He assured her, as they rode the elevator down to the ground floor. "Mere talk to me, tell me what happened." He pushed softly, getting into the passenger side of Liv's car.

"Doesn't matter." The blonde was sounding pretty out of it now, as he put her foot down, speeding along towards the address they'd been given, both of them completely unsure of what to expect.

Meredith slipped in and out of consciousness, listening to Nicks voice in the periods of awareness.

**xo**

She heard a car screech to a stop, a car door slam. That was when she knew she was safe, that no one could hurt her anymore.

"Shit Meredith" Nick muttered in a quiet voice as he approached, but she heard it and began to cry.

He knelt beside her, not knowing where to look first. He did notice the paleness of her skin and he quickly took off his jacket, placing it over her.

"Call a bus, Liv." He called back to the brunette who pulled out her iPhone and dialed the number. Meredith glanced up and noticed her then as she reached for Nick's hand, not wanting him to leave.

"Don't go." She murmured, her breathing slow.

That was when he noticed the cut on her arm. It had stopped bleeding, and a bead of blood would form every now and then before dribbling down her arm. Liv hung up then and mentioned that the ambulance would be there in five minutes, before she crouched next to the two of them. The teenager moved in his arms and pulled herself into more of a sitting position, wincing as she did so before speaking.

"I never... thought it would be me." She started, pausing to take a breath before continuing, "and, it's my fault."

"It's not your fault Mere. You didn't ask for this to happen." Nick comforted and she gave a dark laugh.

"I shouldn't have left, of course it's my fault. Like it was my fault with Zak. I fell for the fucking idiot and all he did was treat me like shit."

"Just breathe." Liv murmured as the teenager's breathing started to get more rapid and she went quiet as they heard sirens in the distance.

Thinking back to all the cruel words Zak had snarled at her when they were together, she gave a sob and turned her head into Nick's shoulder. For a moment he simply held her and let her cry, then she pulled back and frowned.

"I ruined your shirt." She stated blankly, noticing the small patch of blood.

"Don't worry about it." Nick told her and she gave a small nod as a beam of light hit them from the entrance to the alley. Three others made their way towards them then and she saw that two of them were in police uniforms, and knew the other was a paramedic.

"No, no hospital." Meredith muttered, tears streaming down her face.

"It's okay, shhh." Liv said in reassurance as the woman knelt beside them.

"What's your name sweets?" She asked after giving Nick a look that Meredith missed.

"Mere. Meredith." The teenager stammered and she nodded.

"Think I could take a look at your head?" Meredith said nothing and looked away, before Nick gave her hand a squeeze.

"Let's get you back to the bus, get you warm, okay?" The woman said and she felt Nick look down at her, and sensing that she was in no state to walk he gave her a comforting smile.

"I got you honey." He murmured as the paramedic backed away from them, giving them their space. He moved his arms, and stood, carrying her bridal style after the woman who strode away towards the glow of the street lights.

Liv notified the officers of the situation before hurrying after the younger detective as they moved forward putting on gloves as they prepared to process what they could of the scene. Not much of what was there would be much use, as it was such a contaminated area to begin with.

Nick felt his heart break as he finally saw his partners daughter in the light. She had a black eye forming, a split lip and a bleeding wound on her forehead. She had her eyes shut, and the paramedic gave him a sympathetic smile as he managed to climb into the ambulance, still holding Meredith carefully. As he put her down on the stretcher, she let out a whimper and gripped onto one of his hands. He heard Liv call out that she'd meet them at the hospital before the back doors were slammed shut and the bus lurched forward. Nick kept a tight grip on her hand as the woman went about checking and charting her vitals. Meredith had her eyes shut tightly and Nick began trying to figure out what he was going to say to Amanda, knowing he'd have to ring her as soon as they got to the hospital.

It didn't take very long to reach Mercy Hospital, and Meredith was forced to let go of Nick as she was wheeled out into the cold where a young looking doctor was waiting.

"What do we have?" She asked as the paramedic, who'd introduced herself as Amber picked up the chart she'd started scribbling on.

"16 year old rape victim. Lacerations to the wrist and head. Vitals are stable. Also looks like a blunt force trauma to the abdomen." She read and the doctor nodded, and another sympathetic look was given.

"You the father?" She asked Nick whose eyes widened.

"No." He managed to get out, but she didn't seem to take much of him as she turned her attention to Meredith, as she helped get her inside.

They were inside when Nick finally pulled out his cell and got Amanda's contact information up on the screen. He was about to press call, when Meredith called out to him.

Pulling his focus from his phone he hurried over to where the stretcher was, "I need to call 'Manda okay Mere." He told her quietly, knowing she'd protest.

"Nick, no she doesn't need to know, please." She begged and tears began to spill over again.

"Yeah she does love. She'll be so worried about you, you know how she gets."

The teenager went silent then, and looked away as she was taken into a smaller, private room and Nick took it as his cue to call Amanda. Before he could Liv came up beside him and asked how the teenager was.

"They've just taken her in there. I think she just wants to forget the whole thing." He noted, motioning towards the door that had just shut. Liv gave a nod.

"You ringing Amanda?" He gave a nod then and she gave a small smile.

"I'll go sit with her." She said and Nick moved back over to the waiting room and took a seat on one of the hard backed plastic chairs. Taking his phone back out of his pocket he unlocked it and pressed the call button.

Amanda picked up on the first ring and obviously having not checked caller i.d answered with, "Meredith?"

It crushed Nick, that he was going to have to tell her that the worst had happened to her daughter.

"No, it's Nick." He said after a moment and he heard her sigh on the other side.

"Do we have a case? Have you heard from Meredith? She was meant to be home half an hour ago and I haven't heard a thing from her." She rushed and Nick sense the panic in her voice.

"Liv and I are at the hospital." He started, continuing on before she could speak. "With Meredith. You need to get down here. She's okay, but she needs you."

His partner went quiet, much like her daughter had five minutes ago and then she gave a shaky breath before swearing, grabbing her keys and running out of the apartment. "Mercy?" Was all she asked, referring to the hospital.

"Yeah." He confirmed, standing and beginning to pace. The call ended then without Amanda saying another word and he looked up as a nurse called him over.

"She's going to be alright. Doctors with her now, but she's refusing the rape kit, saying it didn't happen. We didn't want to push her yet and all she's asking for now is her mother." Nick shook his head, knowing how stubborn the teen could be when she really wanted to.

"Thank you. She's on her way." He thought about asking to sit with her but decided to leave it as Liv was already in with her. The nurse offered a smile before moving over to the front desk. Returning to the waiting room, he sat down and gave a sigh, running his hand through his hair before turning his focus to the entrance, waiting for Amanda to arrive.

**So there is chapter 4 my lovelies, and I hope you enjoyed it. **

**Chapter five will be up later in the week so please let me know your thoughts.**

**Obviously there's going to be a scene with Amanda and Meredith next chapter - Anything in particular you want to happen? (Or just in general!) I have it written but I am more then open to suggestions!**

**Please review and as I've said previously, the more I get, the faster I upload**

**Thanks,  
Liv**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys, **

**Thank you so much for the reviews, they really make this all worthwhile! I would also like to thank BalancerA for their absolutely wonderful review - It really made me smile, so thank you for that!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

Meredith was lying on the hospital bed, staring into space when Liv entered and the doctor looked up and gave her a smile before returning her focus to placing a bandage on the wound that she'd been cleaning. Liv noticed how Meredith flinched as her hand raised and moved to sit in the chair next to the bed. "Amanda's on her way." She told her and she blinked, finally looking up at the detective.

"I didn't want her seeing me like this." She suddenly muttered softly, and it seemingly came out of nowhere, but Liv understood exactly what she meant.

"I know, I know." She comforted, and reached for her hand. Meredith took it tentatively and gave a tiny smile which was soon gone, as the doctor moved onto cleaning the cut on her arm.

She then went on to explain that it was going to need stitches. Meredith had looked away as she'd given her the small shot of anaesthetic to numb the area, and had continued to look away as she'd proceeded to stitch up the cut.

Meredith went to say something else a little while later after sitting in silence, but the same black haired nurse knocked and came back in, bearing more news. She went to say something before Amanda came in after her and rushed over to the bed as the doctor finished up with her arm.

"I'll leave you for a minute, and come back in a while regarding your decisions." She stated and Amanda looked at her blankly and that was when Meredith noticed the redness around her eyes and knew she'd been crying.

"Mommy." She murmured, as tears sprung in her eyes again. Liv got up then, touching Amanda on the shoulder as he passed her, leaving the two and moving out to find Nick in the waiting room.

"I'm here baby" Was all she could get out as she saw how broken her daughter looked.

**xo**

Amanda sighed and checked her phone for the umpteenth time. It was 20 past 11, and completely unlike Meredith to be home after her curfew. She'd only heard from her the once since she'd left and she rang her number as she sat down on the couch in their living area. It rang for a bit before reaching voicemail.

"I'm probably avoiding ya call, but leave one after the beep." Her daughter's voice chirped and she ran a hand through her hair.

"Hey Mere, just making sure you're okay love. Please ring me when you get this."

She stood and began pacing, phone in hand. Despite the fact that Meredith had probably just decided to stay at Ainsley's, her mind just couldn't stop repeating the idea that something bad had happened.

Frannie's whine pulled her from her thoughts and she paused, looking over at the dog who was staring at her intently, knowing something was up. "She'll be right won't she girl?" She asked the dog who simply wagged her tail at her voice.

It was a long 15 minutes later, when a call came through on Amanda's phone. Without checking who it was she picked up, thinking it was Meredith.

Hearing Nick on the other side, she was slightly confused, and hoped they hadn't caught a case. That was really the last thing she wanted to deal with at the moment.

When he told her that he was with Meredith at the hospital her mind jumped into over drive and she began rushing about the apartment, grabbing her keys and running to the door. As she made her way down the hallway after hearing the conformation that the two of them were at Mercy hospital she hung up and swore. Pulling open the door to the stairway she hurried down them, praying that her daughter was okay.

She drove erratically the entire way to the hospital, unaware of the tears that silently made their way down her face and threw her car into a parking space when she arrived. Getting out, she suddenly realized how cold it was and that she'd forgotten a jacket in her rush. Heading towards the entrance to the ER she forced herself to take a few deep breaths before she got to the sliding doors, knowing it wouldn't do her daughter any good to see her in such a state.

As she got inside the warmth, she looked around for Nick, and upon not being able to see him to begin with, made her way up the reception. There was a raven haired nurse standing scribbling on a chart and she looked over at Amanda as she approached.

"Amanda Rollins?" She asked, and the blonde haired detective merely nodded.

"Meredith... Is she okay?" She questioned after a moment, silently dreading the answer.

"Your daughter is going to okay, she has a mild concussion and a cut that needed stitches. Are you aware of what happened?" The nurse gave her a sympathetic smile, one that Amanda recognized, she'd given it multiple times before. To the victims she interviewed, to the families.

It was _that_ smile.

"She, she was raped?" Amanda finally found her voice to mutter out the dreaded question and the nurse put down the chart.

"I'm so sorry, it does appear that way. She's refusing to let us do the rape kit, but at this point it may be because she wanted you there."

"Can I see her?"

"Of course. Detective Benson? is sitting with her at the moment." She told her and Amanda gave a small smile before following her across the room to a closed door, noticing Nick out of the corner of her eye she paused. He looked up at her and she mouthed a thank you at him before she turned her focus back on the door that the nurse knocked at softly. As she opened it and stepped inside Amanda made her way in past her, stopping and staring in shock at her daughter. Her broken daughter.

She made eye contact with Liv as the doctor finished placing a bandage over the stitched wound on Meredith's arm and stood. All Amanda heard was that she would come back soon, and then both she and the nurse left the room.

Meredith started crying then, and it took everything in Amanda not to start herself. Obviously wanting to give them space, Liv stood and moved past her, touching her on the shoulder comfortingly as she left.

"I'm sorry mom" Her daughter sobbed then, pulling her out of the slight trance she'd fallen into and Amanda shook her head.

"It's not your fault, I'm just glad you're okay." Amanda told her, tears now making their way down her face. She made her way forward and pulled her daughter into a gentle hug. Seemingly forgetting the pain she was in Meredith latched onto her, crying into her shoulder.

After a few minutes the teenager pulled back and looked at her mother. "They wanna do a rape kit." Was all she said and Amanda looked away before sighing.

"It's for the best honey." She said softly and Meredith nodded numbly, processing the thoughts that were flitting through her head.

"Will you stay with me?" If the situation had been any different, Amanda almost would have laughed.

"You know I will." Was all she said, and tears welled in her daughter's eyes. Another hug later and there was a soft knock on the door.

The doctor, who looked exhausted, poked her head round the door. "Have you made a decision ladies?" She asked with a tired smile.

Amanda nodded and she made her way into the room, pulling up a chair.

"I didn't catch your name sorry." She said to Amanda with another smile.

"Oh, it's Amanda." Meredith gave a sharp inhale as she shifted, and tightened her grip on her mother's hand.

"I'm Dr. Walsh." Smiling, she continued. "But you can call me Leah if you want."

The two nodded in unison. After making the decision, Meredith had gone back to being silent and had begun staring at the wall opposite them. "We're gonna go through with the rape kit." Amanda said quietly, bringing the conversation back to real reason she was there.

"Okay. I'll just go get organized and be back in a minute. We're short staffed at the moment, so I hope you don't mind that I'll be the one doing it, Meredith?" She directed the question at Meredith who gave a small shake of her head. The doctor gave Amanda another sympathetic smile before leaving the room to go get what she needed.

"I'm just going to go let Nick and Liv know what's happening okay love?" Amanda pressed a kiss to her forehead after her daughter gave a small nod and made her way to the door. She found the two of them sitting together in the waiting room and they both stood as they saw her.

"She okay?" Nick asked quickly before anyone could say anything, obviously concerned and the blonde gave a small nod.

"No, but she's agreed to the rape kit. The docs just getting ready now. Just thought I'd let you know that you guys can go."

"We'll come back tomorrow morning, to get her statement." Liv told her and she nodded. "Anything you need?" The older detective then asked and Amanda paused.

"I don't think so. I'll ring you in the morning and let you know though." It was Liv's time to nod and she excused herself as her phone rang and she moved away to answer it, leaving Nick and Amanda alone.

"She's a brave kid, Meredith. She reminds me of you." He said softly after she'd left stepping even closer to the blonde.

"Thank you so much, for everything." Amanda murmured, feeling butterflies stir in her stomach.

"Of course." He trailed off and the two were left standing in silence, simply staring into one another's eyes.

After a moment, Amanda finally shook herself out of it, feeling the heat in her cheeks as she saw the doctor approaching her daughters room and gave a small smile. "I should probably go. I'll ring you in the morning." She said once again to Liv as she approached them again.

"Sure you don't want us to stay?" She checked and Amanda nodded.

"Yeah we'll be okay."

The two gave her a sympathetic smile before turning to leave, as Liv was Nick's ride back to the station.

"See you in the morning." Nick called back

"Yeah. Night Nick, Liv."

She watched them leave and then re entered the room where her daughter was. As she took her place beside the bed, her daughter gave her a worried look, reaching out to take a hold of her hand.

**Okay I'll admit that the ending kind of sucks, so sorry for that, but I couldn't really find a great place to end this chapter so it I guess it works.**

**I know a lot of you are asking for more Olivia and Meredith scenes so I'll see what I can do. I always find it a bit strange writing Liv as she has the same name as me! Chapter 6 will be up in a few days.**

**Please review and let me know your thoughts - Feel free to give me your ideas. Even if I don't use all of them, it helps me greatly.**

**Thanks,  
Liv**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, **

**Thank you so much again for the reviews. I was going to upload this yesterday but I was super busy and didn't have the time but here's chapter 6.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Also, the rape kit does happen in this kit and my knowledge merely comes from the show and the research which I have done so apologies for anything medically incorrect :)**

**Enjoy and please review!**

"Okay Meredith, Amanda. I just need to ask a few questions before we get started, alright?" Dr. Walsh asked as she finished tying up her hair and pulled a pen from her pocket, taking a place next to Amanda.

Meredith gave a slow nod as Leah gave her a comforting smile.

She started by asking a few questions relating to her general health before moving into territory that related to the assault.

"Have you had sexual relations previously?" Meredith bit her lip and looked down. She knew that this was bound to come up at some stage, but had avoided thinking about it.

"It's okay Mere." Amanda said quietly and gave a brief smile. It didn't meet her eyes.

"Ye-yes." She finally got out, and felt tears burn her eyes, threating to spill over.

"How long ago?" Leah asked, noticing how uncomfortable the two had suddenly gotten.

"Like a year ago?"

"And you used protection?"

"Yeah." Meredith's reply was almost silent as she avoided Amanda's gaze.

"Okay, thanks for being honest. Now this next part might be hard." She warned, after noting down a couple of things on the chart she was writing everything down on.

"I don't want to talk about it." Meredith murmured, guessing as to what the doctor was going to ask.

"I know you don't, but this is really going to help me, and make this whole process faster, as hard as it is to talk about it." Leah jumped in before Amanda had a chance to say anything and the blonde simply nodded at her daughter, taking a hold of her hand.

"I don't want to." She said again in a harsher tone and Amanda held back a sigh. Her daughter could be incredibly stubborn, and this was one of the times that this trait was going to persist through.

"That's fine. We don't have to talk about it, but at any stage you want to say something, you want to take a break or want to stop just let me know." Leah gave the two a smile and got up from her seat. Meredith followed her closely, and after noticing her watching the doctor put on her gloves and pull over a tray she could set the kit on and Amanda gave her hand a squeeze.

"It'll be okay. I'm right here. Just focus on me." Amanda comforted and Meredith let out the breath she was holding on to.

The rape kit took a lot longer than Meredith had expected even with them only having to stop once when Leah brought the camera out. For the most part she hadn't had to have focused and she'd allowed herself to drift into a state of numbness and into a part of her mind that couldn't hurt her.

When she'd finished taking her samples and pictures Leah had packed the kit back up and asked to talk to Amanda alone.

Meredith watched her mother leave after she'd given her a gentle hug that Meredith hadn't returned and finally let a few more tears fall as the door clicked shut behind the two of them.

Once out in the hallway Leah gave a tired sigh and turned to face Amanda.

"You're with Special victims right? Well I think that's what your partner mentioned." She asked and Amanda nodded.

"Then I suspect that you'll be investigating." Amanda thought about what the younger woman had assumed and then gave her answer.

"I'll have to talk to Meredith first, but I hope so." Leah nodded then.

"Okay, I'll put this away for your people to pick up whenever then." She checked the time before speaking again. "We'll keep Meredith in over night, just to make sure she's stable. I'll come set her up for the rest of the night after I've stored this." She told the detective with a smile, and Amanda returned it with a small thank you before returning to her daughters room.

Expecting her daughter to still be staring into space when she got back, she was slightly taken aback by the state of her. She was no longer on her back but had curled up on her side, crying heavily into her pillow.

**xo**

It didn't really hit Meredith until then, but once she'd let the first few tears fall she hadn't been able to stop them and they'd continued streaming down her face until it got to the point where she was over it, turning into the pillow she was leaning against.

Not hearing her mother re enter her room she kept sobbing into her pillow until Amanda approached her quietly.

"Oh sweetie." Was all she managed to say before Meredith heard her and tried to hold her heaving sobs in.

Amanda moved forward, and as she reached the bed her daughter turned over and literally pulled her closer and Amanda felt Meredith's shoulders shake as she was pulled into a hug. Not letting go of her, she moved up next to her on the bed where she could wrap her arms around her protectively. Meredith instantly moved over to make room for her, and gave a tired shaky sigh as she rested her head into Amanda's shoulder.

The teenager was silent for a few minutes before she spoke in a small voice that Amanda almost missed. "I'm sorry mommy."

"You don't need to be sorry, none of this was your fault." Amanda chose her words carefully, and the two of them lapsed back into silence.

"I should have called you..." She murmured and rubbed at her eye. Noticing her hands shaking, Amanda took them in her own.

"It was stupid and I'm sorry." Meredith said quietly and Amanda shook her head.

"It wasn't you fault, okay?" She repeated and Meredith shut her eyes, wanting to forget about the whole ordeal.

Meredith was on the verge of drifting off into sleep when the door opened and Leah appeared again. She gave a sorry smile as Meredith opened her eyes and looked at her warily as she approached.

"I'll only be a minute, I promise." She spoke quietly as if it mattered now, and Meredith shrugged.

"Now this is up to you guys, but here's an emergency contraceptive pill that we do recommend is taken, and there's also a pain killer in here that will obviously help with any pain and might help you sleep." She told them, handing Amanda the small plastic cup that contained the two small pills. "I'll just get you some water." Leah said as she moved over to a side table that contained a jug of water and some plastic cups. She filled one before bringing it back over as Meredith pulled herself up into a sitting position. Taking the cup from Leah, her mom tipped the two pills into her palm and Meredith swallowed them quickly with a swig of water.

The teenager didn't say anything but simply moved back down into a more comfortable position and rested her head against Amanda's shoulder again. Leah gave the two a small smile, before heading back to the door, turning off one of the lights as she left.

It wasn't long after she left that Meredith had fallen into a light sleep, and that was when Amanda let a few more tears fall. All these years she'd been catching these men, and never had she thought of her daughter being the victim of one of them. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Of course she'd thought of it, some of the cases had been tough and as her daughter had become more mature she'd become more aware. Case after case, brought more anxiety to the pit of Amanda's stomach and slowly over the years it had grown, especially as they'd moved to New York and her daughter had become more independent. The idea that something could happen was always in the back of her mind. She saw the women come through their precinct and every time it was just another reminder of what could happen to her baby.

**I quite like this chapter, as simple as it is so let me know what you think :)**

**The fact that you guys want more Meredith and Olivia scenes has been duly noted so stay tuned!**

**Let me know anything else you want to see. As far as the case goes I have it sorted but I'll take anything into consideration.**

**Please review and chapter 7 will be up in the next day or so!**

**Thanks,  
Liv**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys,**

**Thanks for the reviews and here's chapter 7!**

****Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.****

******Enjoy and please review!******

For the most part Meredith slept through the rest of the night and only woke once after having a nightmare. She hadn't said much after waking, and had taken no time in cuddling back against Amanda who simply comforted her daughter as needed.

It was a little before 8 that morning when she woke and at the sight of the bright light that was filling the room she gave a sigh and squeezed her eyes shut causing Amanda to give a small chuckle.

"How are you feeling?" She then asked after they'd sat in silence for a while.

"Okay I guess. I mean, I'll live." Meredith spoke softly and pulled herself into a sitting position, wincing as she did so.

Amanda's phone dinged then as a text came through and she read it quickly before looking at Meredith who rolled her eyes.

"Liv wants me to ring her. I'll be back soon. Do you need anything?" She gave her a smile and her daughter returned it before speaking.

"Coffee?"

Amanda smirked, "I'll see what I can do." As she went to turn around she then saw her daughters face fall and noticed her rubbing at her eyes. "You sure you're okay?" She checked, taking a step back towards the bed.

"Mmmhmm." Was all Meredith got out.

"Mere..."

"I've got a headache okay, I'm fine." She finally snapped, leaning back against the pillow and shutting her eyes.

"I'll find a doctor to come see you." Amanda murmured before heading out the door, closing the door softly behind her.

The waiting room was relatively busy for so early in the morning and she moved towards the receptionists desk, where she saw a group of doctors standing. Her phone dinged again and she pulled it out of her pocket. This time was the text from Nick, saying he had to drop past work before coming to the hospital. She sent him a quick reply, saying she needed to talk to Liv first anyway and then continued towards the doctors.

One of them saw her approaching and gave a smile. "Can I help you?" He asked and Amanda returned the smile.

"My daughter, she's in room 113. She's got a real bad headache and is in quite a bit of pain. I was wondering if one of you could go check on her?"

"Sure thing, just let me find her chart. Cathy, can you go sort that kid that came in with a nose bleed?" He asked one of his fellow colleagues as he made his way round the side of the desk and rummaged through a few folders. "Ah here it is. Meredith is it?" He muttered as he pulled out her one and at her nod he gave Amanda another cheery smile.

"Great I'll head over there." He told her and she nodded.

"I just gotta make a phone call then I'll be right there." She watched him walk over to the room where her daughter was and moved over to a quieter part of one of hallways.

She unlocked her phone before finding Liv in her contacts and hitting the call button. She held it to her ear as she leant against the wall.

"Detective Benson." The woman answered on the other side

"Hey, it's Amanda"

"Oh right. How's Meredith this morning?" She asked

"She woke up with a headache not too long ago and had a bit of a snap at me. She's putting on a smile for the most part though, I think she might just be doing it for me. She did have a good cry last night, I just want to catch the bloody asshole who did this." Amanda said, finally finding the anger boiling inside her.

"We will Amanda." Liv reassured before carrying on. "Nick and I were planning on coming by to get her statement soon if that still suits?"

"Actually I think they'll be discharging her soon and I think she just wants to go home. If you could come by our apartment that would be perfect."

"Yeah that's fine. We'll come by at 1?" Liv checked and Amanda gave a small smile.

"That's great. See you then." Amanda thanked her and the two said goodbye before Amanda hung up. She gave a sigh before pocketing her phone and moving further down the hall to where the coffee machine was.

She grabbed two, one for her and one for Meredith before hurrying back down to her daughters room.

Hearing laughter from inside, she paused curiously before she managed to open the door and the sight in front of her put a smile on her face.

The doctor who'd gone over to check on Meredith was juggling with apples. He stopped when Amanda entered and gave her another smile.

"Headache gone then?" Amanda asked her daughter who grinned.

"Just about."

"I'll go sort the paper work for your discharge" He said, placing two of the apples back where he'd gotten them from and taking a bite out of the third

"Nick and Liv are going to come by our place later on, to take your statement ." Meredith's smile disappeared, and she saw the doctor make his way towards the door with a wave at the teenager.

"That means I have to tell them what happened right?" She questioned and Amanda gave a small nod.

"I'll be with you the whole time." She told her, trying to reassure her but the teenager simply shook her head.

"No." After she'd blurted it out she went red. "That's not what I meant. I just don't want you to have to, ya know..." She trailed off.

Amanda looked at the ground but forced herself to reply. "Of course hon. I mean, I get it."

Meredith went silent and then gave a small smile after a moment, "is that coffee I spy?"

Her mother gave her a smile before handing it to her and sat down as Meredith took a sip.

The two sat in a comfortable quietness before Amanda broke the silence a while later. "You know that you can talk to me, about anything. Right?" She asked, watching her daughter carefully.

The teenager gave a shrug to start with. "Yeah mom." Was all she said and Amanda bit her lip at the fact that it seemed like her daughter was beginning to shut her out.

The two fell back into silence until the same doctor as before knocked and entered the room. He pulled a chair up next to Amanda before opening a file and pulling out a few sheets that Amanda needed to sign before Meredith was free to go.

"Also here's a prescription for panadeine - for any pain you may have in the next few days. You'll also have to come back in 7 days to have those stitches in your arm out and I will change that bandage on your head before you leave as well." He told the two of them as Amanda finished signing the last page and the two swapped, a pen for the prescription.

"Mom I don't have anything to wear." Meredith suddenly said and Amanda looked up at her.

"Oh. Don't worry, I think I have something in the car." She gave her daughter a smile to which Meredith forced herself to return.

"Well you can go grab it now if you want, I can sort Meredith out and you'll be ready to go." The doctor offered and Meredith simply stared at Amanda until she gave in and stood.

"Okay, okay I'm going." She said reluctantly and then made her way toward the door, throwing her empty coffee cup into the rubbish bin on the way out. Once outside she let out a long breath and ran a hand through her hair before heading towards the door into the chilly Fall weather that the end of September brought.

"How are you feeling now?" The doctor who had since introduced himself as Dr. Foster asked as he pulled on a pair of gloves and moved closer to the bed.

Meredith flinched as he raised is hand to pull of the chunky white bandage that had put on her the night before and he gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Yeah I'm fine." She muttered after looking away, wincing slightly as he pulled it off.

"Is it going to scar?" He was just about to place the smaller bandage on it when she asked the question and he paused.

"I don't think so. If it does, it won't be very noticeable." Meredith nodded.

"I can deal with that I guess." She gave a light laugh before looking down and he carried on with what he was doing.

"You seem close with your mom?" His question was out of the blue and surprised Meredith who mumbled something incoherent under her breath before getting something out.

"It's always just been me and her so yeah, we're pretty close. I mean we have our differences but I know she loves me."

He nodded and gave her a small smile. "You're a good kid, you'll get through this, no matter how hard it seems at times." Pulling off his gloves Meredith didn't get a chance to respond as Amanda came back through the door, clothing in hand.

"Here you go hon." She said passing it to the teenager who gave a shrug and thanked her, glancing over what she'd been given.

There were a pair of sweats and an old Atlanta PD sweater of Amanda's. It was then that Meredith realized she hadn't yet had a shower and she felt bile rise in her throat at the thought of the mans hands on her body, tracing her curves.

Pulling herself out from under the blanket she dragged herself off the bed and stumbled for the adjoining bathroom. Amanda was right behind her and holding her daughters hair and rubbing comforting circles on her back as she threw up into the toilet.

"Ugh." Was all she mumbled when she finished, rubbing a hand over her mouth roughly before reaching up and flushing the toilet.

"Let's get you home, huh?" Amanda said quietly and Meredith nodded and pulled herself up into a standing position. Leaning against her mother she made her way back over to the bed and noticed that Dr. Foster had left in the mean time. As Amanda helped her daughter get changed, she found herself trying to avoid the bruises that were scattered across her body. Meredith must have noticed at some point as it was then that she pulled away to look at her seriously, "I'm okay mom, I mean, I'm going to be okay. I might look broken but it takes more than some asshole to take me down."

"I love you so much." Was all Amanda got out, tears threatening to spill.

"I love you too Mom." She replied, tucking her hands into the sleeves of the sweater before continuing, "Let's just go, please? I hate hospitals." Amanda gave a small laugh before pulling her daughter into a gentle hug.

**xo **

The drive home was quiet, with the low hum of the radio filling the silence. Meredith had her knees pulled into her chest and as Amanda looked over at her daughter every couple of minutes, she noticed how tiny she looked.

"I don't know why I didn't want to come here." Meredith said suddenly and Amanda glanced at her. "I mean, I do. But I also don't. I guess I didn't know what I was going to miss, and that scared me."

Amanda nodded, "That makes sense, I get that. I was scared to. I didn't know what to expect either."

"Why'd we come here? I know it wasn't for the change in scenery." Meredith gave a laugh. "Not much different. Tall buildings... People... More buildings..."

"It's complicated."

"No." Meredith looked at her mother then, "I don't think it is."

The harsh look in her eye softened then as she saw Amanda swallow nervously.

"I was trying to protect you, it apparently didn't do so good." She said, gripping the steering wheel tightly as she stopped at a red light.

"I really don't get you sometimes." Meredith replied before resuming looking out the window and upon hearing her mother sigh, raised an eyebrow. "You shouldn't be scared to tell me though, ya know the truth? I may be naive but I'm not stupid."

"Maybe one day." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Maybe never." The teenager retorted with a snort, reaching to unbuckle her seat belt as Amanda pulled into a free parking spot near their apartment building. She swung open the door and jumped out, wincing as she did so having forgotten the pain that she was really in.

"You okay?" Amanda asked, as she rounded the hood after locking the car and Meredith nodded.

"Yeah." She muttered back, trying to ignore the concern in her mothers voice and the two hurried toward their building in silence, Meredith simply glad they were home.

Frannie greeted them excitedly on their arrival and before Amanda had a chance to say a word to Meredith the girl had disappeared in the direction of their bathroom. Deciding on giving her daughter her space she picked up Frannie's lead, and made her way back out of the apartment to take the dog for a quick walk.

**Next chapter will be up in a couple of days, so prepare yourselves for a big Meredith and Olivia scene :)**

**Let me know what you think and the more reviews the faster I write and upload!**

**I also had an idea to start a prequel kind of thing for this - Like Amanda and Meredith when they were in Atlanta? Thought that might be a good way to address issues such as Mere's dad, Amanda's parents and the whole 'Thing that happened in Atlanta'. Let me know if you're keen and I can start writing. :)**

****Thanks,  
Liv****


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys,**

**Apologies for the late upload - I've been super busy with my last two exams on Friday and a party and then I had a horse show yesterday but here is chapter 8!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

As soon as Meredith got inside the dirty feeling resumed in her mind and without a word she headed for the bathroom, turning the shower on and stripping. She caught sight of herself in the mirror then and cringed. Her arm was bandaged, her head was bandaged and her stomach and thighs were lined with purple bruises. Realizing she wasn't allowed to get the stitches wet, she swore under her breath before rummaging through the bathroom cabinet for something to prevent it. She eventually came across a waterproof bandage cover and hastily wrapped it round her arm. Her focus came back to the bruising after that and all she could do was stare. She'd had bad ones before, from Zak, but she'd never seen them with the perspective she did now. Shaking her head, she pulled herself away from the mirror and placed a hand under the running water, testing the temperature.

Careful at where she applied pressure and making sure she avoided her forehead, she instantly started scrubbing at her skin once under the steaming stream of water, the burning feeling against her skin comforting. She didn't know how long she'd been in there, but upon hearing Amanda's knock on the door her head snapped up and she saw how red her skin had become.

"Mom?" She questioned, reaching out and turning the water off.

"You okay in there?" Amanda asked back and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Fine." Was all she snapped and she sensed her move away.

Toweling herself dry and pulling off the bandages round her wrist, she waited until the redness of her skin had toned down before placing a new bandage over her arm and then wrapping her towel around her she moved out of the bathroom and towards her bedroom.

Shutting the door behind her, she leaned against it for a moment before making her way over to the set of drawers. Getting changed, she decided on a slightly large blue sweater and a pair of black yoga pants. Throwing her towel into her laundry basket she sat down on her bed, suddenly wishing for the distraction of her phone.

It was then that Amanda appeared and not wanting to protest, Meredith said nothing as she came and sat next to her.

"Liv and Nick will be here soon. Did you want anything to eat?" She asked and the teenager shook her head, the events of the previous night flitting through her head.

"I just wanna be by myself." She mumbled under her breath.

"Meredith, honey you can talk to me about this, about any of this." Meredith forced herself to smile in reply and then she looked away.

"I'm fine." Was all she said and not wanting to unnecessarily push her too far too fast Amanda stood, rubbed her daughters shoulder and left her.

Meredith let out a sigh of relief as her mother left and then grabbed her laptop, booting it up and moving back so she could lie against her beds pillows. Deciding to avoid Facebook for the time being she logged into Tumblr and started her endless scrolling, absentmindedly letting her mind wander as she did so.

xo

Amanda was sitting on her couch, a cup of coffee in her hand lost in thought when she heard a knock at the door. Checking her phone she realized it was a little before one and she got up, placing her cup on the bench as she moved to answer the door. Frannie was quick to come running, her tail wagging furiously at the sight of more people.

"Hey Amanda." Nick said softly and Liv gave a sympathetic smile.

"How's she doing?" Amanda shook her head.

"She was okay on the ride home and now I'm not so sure, I mean she says she's fine."

"Because I am." Meredith cut her off sharply, from where she stood in the doorway to her room. The three detectives looked over at her and before Amanda or any of them could reply, she'd retreated back inside, slamming the door on her way.

"I'll go talk to her." Liv offered and Amanda raised an eyebrow and gestured toward the door. Nick placed a hand on Liv's arm before she could move off and pulled a cell phone from his pocket.

"I figured she might want her phone back." He said with a light laugh and the older detective gave a nod in response and took the phone before making her way over to Meredith's bedroom.

"You want a drink or something?" She asked Nick once Liv had disappeared and he shook his head.

"Are you okay?" He questioned, a concerned tone to his voice. Amanda shrugged in reply.

"I guess." She headed toward the couch and Nick followed suit, sitting next to her on the two seater.

"We'll get through this won't we?" She asked him with a tired sigh and he nodded, trying to think of something to say and as he did the two settled into a comfortable silence, simply content with sitting in the company of one another.

xo

Liv braced herself before knocking softly on Meredith's door, before pushing it open gently. The young blonde looked up from her place on her bed, obviously having expected Amanda. She pulled a desk chair over to the side of the bed and sat down. Meredith watched her closely and once Liv was seated she sighed.

"I have to tell you, don't I?" She asked and the way in which she did so reminded Liv of a child and the innocence that they'd often show after the horrors of what had happened to them were over.

"Yeah sweetie." Liv said with a small, comforting smile and she nodded.

"Okay. Where do I start?" Another question and the brunette told her to start wherever she felt comfortable.

"Mmmhmm." Meredith murmured, looking away before starting. "So I went to Ainsley's, I mean I left here at like quarter past seven and got there just before eight. It was just meant to be a few of us really, but I got there and outside, I could hear the, the music. I didn't know if it were here place and when I was riding the elevator up to her apartment floor the caretaker, Holden was there, said it was Ainsley's. I asked for him to give me a bit, see if I could settle whatever was happening down. I got there and there were people everywhere. I didn't see anyone I recognized, everyone was drinking and then Ainsley came up to me, drunk. She dragged me over to the drinks table and made me pour a drink. I didn't have any and then this guy came over, he was a football player and wasn't the sort of guy who'd ever give me a second look and he dragged me to one of the bedrooms. We were on the bed, I didn't know what to do but I made up some excuse and got out of there. Holden was coming back up when I left, offered to call me a cab, God I'm stupid I should have said yes."

Noticing that she was digging her nails into her palms, Liv took her hands in her own, rubbing her thumbs over the back of them soothingly. Meredith gave a sigh and then nodded at Liv's smile, knowing that she had to keep going, as hard as it was.

"So um, I left... I was going to ring mom, but I didn't want her to worry. No wonder it happened, I was so stupid about all this. I really had it coming." She gave a dark laugh before hurrying on before Liv could say anything comforting. She really didn't want that right now.

"I was walking back to the train station when I heard footsteps. I didn't look back but they were following me so I changed where I was going and I stopped by this diner and had a coffee."

Sensing she was nearing having to talk about the attack Liv gave her hand a squeeze before speaking in encouragement. "You're doing real well Mere, what happened next?"

"The waitress told me to be careful as I was leaving and I guess I wasn't careful enough. It wasn't long before I came across him. This little boy, maybe 7... I stopped. I thought he was lost or something and he told me that he needed help, that it was his mom."

Liv shook her head softly at the thought of the man using his own son to lure his victim and the sick nature of it made her blood boil. Thinking that the detective was shaking her head at her Meredith pulled her hands back and moved further away on the bed, bringing her knees up to her chest.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid." She repeated, tears welling and starting to spill over. Liv took a breath before moving to sit on the bed and placed a hand on the teenagers knee who flinched.

"Meredith look at me." Liv said and eventually she did. "This was absolutely not your fault, okay? The only person responsible is the man who did this to you, I don't want you blaming yourself for this. It was not your fault."

Meredith was silent for a few minutes, simply sitting and taking in Liv's words. Eventually she gave a small nod. "Okay." She spoke softly before coming to the realisation that she hadn't finished telling her story and prepared herself to continue.

"He had dirty blonde hair, kinda curly and gray eyes and I didn't really think about what could be down that alley until I was there. I thought I could help and then his hand was over my mouth and he grabbed my hair. I didn't even fight, I just froze. Then I heard the boy laughing. Laughing. The man shoved me forward into the brick wall then before I had a chance to think about what was happening and I tasted blood. He came after me and pulled my bag and jacket off me." Meredith stopped for a breather and rubbed a hand over her face.

"Oh god, I heard his fly unzip and he hitched up my skirt and pulled down the pair of tights I was wearing and then my panties... I clawed at his face and I think I scratched him. He cut my neck after that and then I... Felt him... Inside me. It hurt, I cried, I begged him... To stop. I tried to block most of it out and the next thing I remember is him dragging that blade back over my arm. He went to leave and I felt myself fall and he turned back, kicked me and left with his kid. I eventually made my way to my bag and called Nick..." She finished, wringing her hands together nervously.

"Was that okay?" She asked then, biting her lip as she glanced up at Liv.

"You did great Meredith." She said in reassurance before beginning to ask a few questions of her own.

"Did you see his face? What he looked like?" Meredith shrugged at that and sat in silence for a moment.

"Kind of. I don't want to remember. He wore army style pants and had heavy black boots on." She spoke quietly and looked away.

"That's good Meredith, are you sure you didn't see anything? Or maybe even what he smelt like?" Liv asked softly and Meredith shook her head.

"I don't want to." She said firmly and Liv decided to call it a day.

"Okay that's fine Meredith but if you remember anything, it will help and if you need to talk about anything, you know where to find me. We're all here for you sweetie." She gave the teenager a smile and Meredith nodded as Liv went to stand.

"Thank you, Liv..." She started with a teary smile.

"Oh and Nick thought you might like your phone back." Liv said, passing her the phone to which Meredith gave a small laugh and thanked her again.

"Do you need anything else?" The older detective checked as she headed towards the door. Meredith shook her head softly and began picking at the case on her phone until Liv had left and as she heard the door click softly in closure behind her she gave a sigh, the anxiety she was feeling smothering her thoughts.

**Hope you guys enjoyed the Meredith and Olivia part of this chapter - and let me know any other scenes you would like to see between the two, or any of the others!**

**Also someone asked when this was set and the answer of this is sort of round season 14 give or take a bit.**

**I kind of know where I'm going with this now but any requests or ideas will be taken on board!**

****Let me know what you think and if I'm doing this realistically! The more reviews the faster I write and upload!****

****Thanks,  
Liv****


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys,**

**Apologies for the wait, again I've been super busy and I am pleased to say I've graduated from high school!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

It wasn't too long after Liv and Nick had left that Amanda felt the need to check on her daughter. As she went to get up, she heard the teenagers door open and she glanced over to see Meredith emerge. She looked tired, and Amanda noticed the redness around her eyes.

"Hey Mere." Amanda started awkwardly in a soft voice. For someone who dealt with victims on a regular basis, the blonde detective found herself lacking in knowledge of what to say.

"Mom, you don't have to do this ya know? Pretend I mean." Meredith didn't look at her as she spoke, moving over to the fridge where she pulled out a bottle of water. As she watched her, Amanda came to the realization that she desperately needed to go to the store, having seen the emptiness of the fridge.

"Pretend what?" Amanda played dumb to Meredith's words. The more she kept her talking, the more she'd learn from her. Whether it was what she wanted to hear, or not.

"That you care." The teenager gave a dark laugh, and after seeing her mothers face fall, she dropped her gaze to the label of the bottle, 'pure water' it read, she wasn't pure any more and she never would be.

Refusing to let herself snap back a reply Amanda took a breath, knowing the teen was only pushing the boundaries as a test, to see how strong she was and whether or not she was strong enough for Meredith. She just had to ride it out, no matter how hard her daughter made it. "You know I care Meredith, I love you and I'll be here for you, no matter what." She attempted a smile, which faltered at Meredith's scoff.

"Is that a line you rehearse often? For all those broken women? Well I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm not a victim." Her daughter finally looked her in the eyes as Amanda braced herself.

"No. You're not, you're a survivor." Even Amanda had to cringe at the comment after she'd said it but Meredith's response was even more elaborate as the young blonde laughed.

"Are you honestly serious, or is this some kind of joke?" She asked and Amanda nodded.

"Of course I'm serious. And I mean it when I say I'm here, to listen, to talk. Hell, no one even has to talk, but all I want you to know is I'm here for you." Meredith looked to considerate for a moment before she spoke up again, setting the bottle of water on the counter top as she became uninterested in the distraction it offered.

"There's nothing to talk about; I'm fine." Amanda sensed the annoyance in the girls voice, again struggling to find words that would settle the teenager. Before she had a chance to speak, Meredith continued, "I know it was my fault anyway, I mean I brought it on myself." She shrugged and Amanda bit her lip. Whatever she said now, Meredith would just argue back, but deep down she knew she had to speak up.

"It wasn't your fault Mere, that guy makes his own choices. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway. There was no way you could have stopped it, it wasn't your fault. And you can keep telling yourself that it is, but I don't blame you, none of us do and I'm not going to give up on you, even if you give up on yourself." Noticing Meredith look away, she knew she'd gotten to her.

Meredith looked up then and as Amanda saw that she was struggling to hold back tears she stepped forward.

"I know it was my fault and I don't care what you say, I should have called you, as soon as I left Ainsley's. I should have called and I didn't so there's no one else to blame. It was my fault. If I hadn't of been there, it wouldn't have happened and nothing can change that. Whatever you think you can do or say it doesn't matter because I know what I did and I know how I fucked it up. I was so stupid and my own bloody naivety got the better of me again, so ha, the jokes on me." Meredith voice wavered as she spoke and she moved away from Amanda as she stood forward in the hopes of being able to comfort her daughter.

"Meredith, honey..." She started, now holding back her own tears. Neither Amanda or Meredith were ones to become overly emotional and they were both ones to keep their emotions in check, bottled up and kept beneath the surface. Tidy, swept into the long forgotten corners of their minds.

"Just stop, mom." Meredith snapped, heading back towards what she felt was the safety of her room.

"I don't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself either." Amanda called after her to which Meredith paused, hand on the door handle. With an eye roll she glanced back at her mother.

"Seriously, just stop." Was all she muttered in a harsh tone before pushing open the door and slamming it behind her.

Amanda sat with a shaky sigh and ran a hand through her hair. She knew what Meredith was saying wasn't intended to hurt her, but her words had stung, a little more then the blonde haired detective had thought.

**xo**

In the hours that Meredith spent in her room that afternoon, all she wanted to do was scream. The anger she felt towards herself suffocating her in a way that she couldn't describe or shake off. She had a number of texts and messages that she didn't want to open, and the memories of the previous night she wanted to forget.

Her mother didn't make any attempt at entering her room and Meredith stayed there, not wanting to risk the sympathetic smiles and careful words. It was nearing 7.00pm when Meredith woke from where she'd fallen asleep on her bed, a pounding headache on the rise. Flicking her bed side lamp on she sat up and rubbed at her eyes. Knowing that it wouldn't go away on it's own, she made her way to her door and pushed it open softly and as she left her room she glanced around the room for sight of her mother. She heard movement in the kitchen and breathing a sigh of relief she headed for the bathroom.

She went unseen by her mother and pulled open the medical cabinet, looking through it until she found a small bottle of Advil. She poured two out into her palm and swallowed them dry, not wanting to venture out where Amanda was. Putting everything back into it's usual place she left the bathroom and had made it back to her bedroom when she heard Frannie trot up behind her and cringing, she turned to scratch the dog behind the ears, where she liked it.

Lost in thought, Meredith was oblivious to Amanda watching her until she cleared her throat to which the teenager jumped at, startled.

"Sorry love, didn't mean to scare you." Amanda murmured softly and offered a small smile.

Meredith gave a small nod and bit the inside of her lip, reaching behind her to rest a hand on the door handle. She knew the way she was acting was hurting her mother, despite the fact that she was yet to show it.

"It's okay." She settled on awkwardly, looking at the ground.

"I was going to order in food, considering I desperately need to go to the store, anything in particular you wanted?" Amanda asked and at Meredith's head shake she continued on, "You need to eat Mere, you haven't had much all day."

"I'm not hungry." Meredith snapped and instantly felt bad at the hurt look on Amanda's face. However at the current moment, all she wanted to do was sit by herself, listen to loud music and cry, as cliché as it sounded once she'd thought about it.

Amanda gave a nod after a moment, not wanting to push her daughter despite the nagging voice in her head that told her otherwise. "I'll save some left overs for you, if you change your mind." She said quietly and the young blonde retreated back into the depths of her room, leaving Amanda wondering what the hell she was going to do with her.

**xo**

As night drew closer and it neared 9.30, Meredith found herself becoming more and more restless. The thoughts of the previous night repeating in her head and nothing she tried seemed to stop it. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't cry, and she certainly couldn't shake the panicked anxiety she was feeling.

Pacing the length of her room, she ignored the pain she was feeling and thought about calling Olivia. After all, she had said that she was there for her but she didn't want to bother her, even though deep down Meredith knew the detective wouldn't mind in the slightest.

She even thought about calling Nick, but even doing that would mean that she was admitting to needing help and Meredith Rollins was far too strong to do anything of the sort. It was then that she knew that even if she did ring one of the detectives, at some point her mother would hear her talking and become even more concerned and Meredith would feel even worse about the whole situation.

Deciding to try and sleep once again she settled down on her side, head under her pillow, trying to block out the images flitting through her head. They almost played in slow motion at first and were easier to ignore but as they continued they came one after the other. Despite Meredith squeezing her eyes shut so tightly that she saw spots, she couldn't rid herself of the images.

"I'm going insane, fucking insane." The teenager muttered to herself, feeling tears spring in her eyes. She felt his breath on her neck, his hands on her legs, her hips, her neck and she bolted upright with a sob. Meredith was quick to cover her mouth with her hands as a way to muffle any more sobs that tried to escape

At the hospital the previous night, both Amanda and Olivia had told her that she'd been through the hardest part, the physical attack but now that she was past it all Meredith could think about was how wrong they were. This was the hardest part of it all, remembering and seeing all the places that she had been at fault.

After a while, once the tears had stopped and the images had returned to a dull idle in her mind she pulled back the covers and stood shakily. Taking a deep breath she made her way to the door, despite everything in her that was telling her not to.

She crossed the hall to Amanda's room and pushed the door open softly. The bedside lamp was on and Amanda was sitting in bed on her laptop. She quickly shut it when she glanced up and saw Meredith standing in the doorway, hands shaking.

"I'm sorry mommy."

The pain in her daughter's voice sent a wave of emotion through Amanda and she gave her a comforting smile, patting the place beside her in the bed. Without a word Meredith hurried over and climbed in, rolling onto her side to face her mother.

"I just want to forget. It won't stop and I don't want to remember." Meredith said after a moment of silence.

"I know honey." Amanda murmured back and it absolutely killed her that she felt she couldn't do more for her daughter. Meredith gave a sigh and closed her eyes. For a while Amanda thought that she'd managed to fall asleep until she gave a light laugh.

"Life sucks doesn't it? Like it absolutely fucking sucks." She opened her eyes and propped herself up on one arm. Amanda was slightly taken aback at her use of profanity but knew that now wasn't the time to remind her of what she was saying. She gave a simple half nod in a way of pushing her daughter to elaborate on her words.

The teenager did so after a moment lost in thought. "I never told you about Zak, did I?" She questioned with a small smile on her face and all Amanda knew was that she was talking about was the boy whom she'd had a crush on last year. Little did the blonde detective know that the two had been in a relationship for a while back then.

"The boy you had a crush on, right?" Amanda checked anyway and her thoughts were confirmed when Meredith nodded.

The teenager moved to lying on her back, in a way of avoiding her mothers eyes, but it was light hearted all the way. "Yeah, we dated for a while mom." She said and before Amanda had a chance to speak she continued, "I mean only for a couple of months, until he cheated on me with some slut from the cheer team."

Again Amanda ignored the harsh words of her daughter and spoke to a different issue, "You didn't tell me, about any of this?" She questioned, the slightly hurt feeling obvious in her tone of voice.

"That wasn't my point. It was that guys suck, whether their intentions are in the right place or not. It always turns out for the worst, right?" Amanda didn't stand a chance at even trying to answer her daughters question before Meredith continued on, a sheepish grin on her face. "You probably don't want to believe that though huh? I mean I've seen the swooning looks you've given Nick mom."

After a quick swat at her daughters arm, Amanda gave her a small smile. "Sometimes you're too observant for your own good kid." Was all she said and Meredith gave her a wink.

"What can I say? I try." Meredith gave a laugh before the two fell into comfortable silence.

It wasn't long before Meredith became even more tired then she had been and the desperate need for sleep became more apparent in her mind.

"You okay?" Amanda pulled her from her thoughts and she gave a small shake of her head.

"Not really, well yeah I am; just tired." Her daughter shrugged and spoke again. "If I sleep can we leave a light on? I'm scared and it's stupid because I shouldn't be, it's pathetic and I hate myself for it." She rushed and Amanda sensed the annoyance Meredith was feeling, at herself and the way her mind was coping with what had happened.

"It's okay Mere, it's okay to be scared. It doesn't make you weak or pathetic at all." Amanda said in hopes of comforting her and this time there was no snappy remark and the teenager just gave a silent nod before moving closer to Amanda, who gladly reached out to pull her daughter into a hug.

"All I can see is him and all I can think is that I was so stupid to fall for it and he's still out there." Meredith stressed the last part and Amanda felt her hands shake.

"Just breathe honey, focus on me." She said softly and after a minute or so Meredith began to relax

"I just want tonight to be over." The teenager sighed before deciding to try and sleep. It wasn't long before she settled down and despite the fact that yesterdays nightmare was still fresh in her mind, her need for sleep was far to large for her to ignore.

Amanda stayed awake long after her daughter drifted off into sleep, and even though she could see her daughter was safe next to her, Amanda's own anxiety was bubbling beneath the surface. It was hypocritical really, to think that her daughter needed to talk to someone, even if it wasn't her as Amanda was exactly the same. Too proud to become a burden to someone else, even if it were for the best. Neither Amanda or Meredith had ever dealt with their emotions well and they were both to similar for their own good. It was always get over rather then get through and this time Amanda didn't know if her daughter would be able to simply get over the horrors of what happened to her.

**Hope you enjoyed - It was quite a nice chapter to write and I've planned another Liv and Meredith scene for the next chapter as you guys seem to love those two!**

**I'd also like to say that a relationship between Amanda and Nick isn't the focal point of this work. If you're looking for a Rollaro filled story, that's probably not going to happen, yet anyway. I do have plans for their relationship however, I am not planning on rushing it as I want to make it as realistic as possible. **

**Again any requests will be acknowledged and I will do my best to fit them in somewhere - I have noted what you've said you want to see from when you reviewed the previous chapter, so keep reading and you may see one of your ideas pop up somewhere along the way :)**

**I will try and get chapter 10 up quickly but I do like to try and write these to the best of my ability. I am absolutely filled with the anxiety that I'm going to let you guys down, so if it does take me longer to upload, know that I'm only doing it for your benefit!**

**Enough with me talking! Please let me know your thoughts/ideas in a review and thanks for reading!**

**Liv**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey guys, **

**Slightly shorter update this time but I want to get on with it a bit more, ha. **

**Thank you so much for your lovely reviews, there was one there that got me a bit teary, so thanks!**

**And who's looking forward to the January episode!? I'm an absolute mess over it to be quite honest, but it's given me some insight into what I'm going to do with this story to a point.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

It was early the next morning when Meredith woke and she spent a moment simply watching the tricks her eyes played on her in the darkness. She felt her mothers arms around her in a protective manner and couldn't bring herself to move and wake her. It was nice to let Amanda feel like a mother for once. Meredith always found herself distancing herself from her, often without even realizing it. Everything was always, 'okay' and, 'fine'. It wasn't like Meredith found her unapproachable, it was just simply easier to keep everything to herself and brush the heartache and sadness off with a smile.

Meredith was deep in thought when she found that she'd forgotten and she swallowed nervously at the unknown events that were to happen today. Eventually Amanda began to stir, and as she woke she gave the teenager a groggy smile, obviously having had a hard time falling asleep the night before.

"I'll be okay." Meredith murmured as a good morning, before she could ask how she was and she was okay, in a minimal way of describing it.

"I know hon." Her mother replied and Meredith gave her a smile in thanks.

Deep down Amanda knew that her daughter wasn't okay under the surface, but she also knew that her daughter would be less okay and more inclined to shut her out should she push her any further.

"What time is it?" Meredith asked after a while, not having brought her phone with her. Amanda reached over and picked up hers to check the time before she replied.

"Uh 7.35."

"Ew." Amanda laughed at the teenagers attitude and sat up, running a hand through her hair. Frannie must have sensed the movement coming from the bedroom as it wasn't long before she scratched the door open and pushed her way inside, leaping up onto the bed which caused both of them to laugh at the dogs antics.

The two stayed in bed for a while longer, enjoying each others company, until Amanda gave her daughter a serious look that Meredith pretended not to see, not wanting to hear what her mother was going to say or ask.

"Liv mentioned maybe talking to a sketch artist today..." She drifted off, keeping the option open and Meredith gave an acknowledging nod.

"I have to describe what they looked like?" Meredith checked, staring at the ceiling as if their pictures would suddenly appear in the paint.

"Yeah, it would help with their investigation." Amanda said in a subtle way of encouraging her.

"I guess, I mean I kind of remember what he looked like so there's no harm, right?" The teenager was one for not wanting to waste other peoples time and always felt bad when she'd let people down in that manner.

"Definitely not. You want breakfast?" Amanda checked and pulled back the covers. Meredith then realized how long it had been since she'd last eaten and gave a quick nod.

"Yes please." She got up herself then and moved into her own bedroom to grab her phone before making her way to the couch and turning the TV on.

She absentmindedly went through her notifications, only focusing when she read a text she had from Jamie and it was a sentence that always made her stomach churn with nerves.

_We need to talk x - Jamie  
__{09.14.2013}_

It had been sent the previous day and Meredith didn't have a clue what it was about, but forced herself to reply anyway.

_Okay? I'm not sure I know what this is about, so I hope it's not something I should worry about... Are you picking me up for school tomorrow? We can talk in the car I guess? x - Meredith  
__{09.15.2013}_

She typed a quick reply and sent it just as Amanda brought her a mug of steaming coffee over.

"Thanks mom." She said quietly after taking a sip.

"I called Liv and she said to pop in whenever. I have to talk to Cragen to when we're there, so we can go mid morning if you want."

Meredith gave a nod and Amanda was quick to pick up on the quietness of her daughter. Not wanting to upset her, she moved back over to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Staring into the depths of her coffee mug, Meredith flinched as her phone buzzed with an incoming text.

_It's nothing, don't stress. Will catch you tomorrow, I'll swing by at 8 to pick you up. x - Jamie  
{09.15.2013}_

She shook her head at his text with a small, knowing smile. Whatever he wanted to talk to her about must have been more than nothing for him to get so seemingly nervous over. She sent another text back thanking him for the ride as she finished her coffee and then decided to get changed, wanting to get the morning over with as soon as possible.

Picking out a loose button up blouse, and a pair of jeans she pulled them on and was just finishing lacing her boots when Amanda appeared in the door way. Looking up she blinked as she was hit with the remembrance of Friday night, when her mom had stood in the exact spot after she'd told her she was going out. If only she'd stayed at home and watched whatever reality show had been on and laughed at the dramatic acting over takeout. Her mom hardly got so much of an evening off and Meredith had wasted it wandering across town. No wonder Amanda always looked disappointed every time Meredith chose her friends over her mother.

"You need to eat before we go any where, okay?" Amanda told her with a small smile and Meredith shook herself from her thoughts and managed to get out a quick, mumbled reply of,

"Alright."

Standing, she winced at the movement and followed her mother from the room to the breakfast bar, which separated the kitchen from the living area. She suddenly didn't feel so hungry as the guilt filled her chest and she found herself pushing about her cereal with her spoon.

After what seemed an age, Meredith finally finished and moved round to wash her dishes, looking up as Amanda came out of the bathroom where she'd been having a shower.

"I'll just get changed and we'll go, yeah?" Meredith nodded as her mother disappeared into her bedroom and she moved back to wait on the couch.

She was lost in thought once again when Amanda touched her on the shoulder, causing her to jump.

"Sorry hon." Her mother apologized and Meredith shook it off, embarrassed.

"Are we going now?" Meredith asked with a small smile and Amanda nodded.

"Yep." Was all she said before Meredith had pocketed her phone, gotten up and headed toward the door, Amanda close behind her.

**xo**

The drive to the precinct was quiet, with neither Meredith or Amanda talking. Meredith kept her eyes on the window, and Amanda on the road. They were halfway there when they pulled up at a red light and Meredith switched the radio on. She surfed through a few channels before she settled on one playing a guitar filled country song.

As soon as Amanda had parked, Meredith's hands started shaking and the teenager was quick to wrap her hands around herself protectively, not wanting to let her walls crumble and fall to pieces around her.

They made their way through security and then rode the elevator up in silence, both of them feeling slightly uncomfortable. The doors slid open with a ding and Amanda walked out first, followed by Meredith, who before moving through the squad room door, stood and made herself pull herself together. If she were to do this, there were to be no tears. She was tough, and perhaps even tougher on her expectations of herself.

Fin and Nick were the first to see them as they entered and Meredith noticed they eye contact that was held by her mother and Nick as she approached, she also didn't miss the two small smiles the two detectives gave one another.

Meredith stood behind Amanda quietly, looking at the ground, simply not wanting to receive any more sympathetic smiles.

"Hey Mere, you good?" Fin said in true Fin fashion and Meredith gave a small smile of her own before looking up.

"Just wanna get this over with." She spoke in a way that put an end to any kind of conversation that could have taken place and the older man gave a knowing nod.

"Liv's just filling the sketch artist in now." Fin told the both of them and Meredith chewed on her lip, getting more antsy.

Meredith eventually moved over to sit at Amanda's desk, still refusing to look or acknowledge anyone. That was until Olivia emerged from one of the interviewing rooms and cast a warm smile in her direction. It wasn't one filled with sympathy like the doctors and nurses and everyone else same to gave her, but it was one filled with compassion, one that brought a small smile to her own face. Amanda approached as Liv did and Meredith stood, not wanting to waste a second.

"Mom you don't have to come, I don't need you to hold my hand." Meredith said a lot sharper then she had intended and was about to stammer out an apology, but Amanda was quick to raise her hands in defeat.

"It's okay Mere, I know you're in good hands with Liv. I have a few things to do here anyway, if that's alright with you?" She directed the last question toward the brunette who nodded in reply.

"Of course." Liv beckoned for Meredith to follow her and she did so, with one quick glance back at her mother who gave her and encouraging smile.

**xo**

As soon as she sat down at the table Meredith felt her nerves diminish and she let herself take a breath before doing anything else. Liv sat next to her and that was when Meredith noticed the red head standing at the coffee pot. She turned then and gave the teenager a smile as she returned to her place at the table, her sketch book in front of her.

"How are you?" Liv asked Meredith and the blonde noticed the way that she didn't ask if she was 'okay' or 'good', like everyone else seemed to.

"I'll live." Despite the open question, Meredith couldn't think of anything else to say, so stuck to the simple truth, as blunt as it seemed.

"Well you made it through the night." She gave her a smile to which Meredith returned with another shrug and the detective directed them back to business.

"This is Erin, one of the best sketch artists we use." She introduced the red head who held out an ink smudged hand for Meredith to shake. The teenager took it gingerly and then focused on what she was being told.

"Meredith, right?" Erin checked and at her nod she continued, "All I need you to do for starters is describe the mans face shape as best as you remember, his jaw line, chin, nose, cheek bones. Then once I have the basic facial features drawn in we can go into further detail, like his eyes and anything individualistic."

Meredith sat in silence for a moment before speaking, "So I guess we're starting with him then?" Erin glanced at Liv who then looked at the teenager, who had since pulled her knees up to her chest protectively. "I remember the boy better, I mean I should, the fact that I fell for his act is the reason this all happened so you'd hope that I would." She gave a small laugh and bit at her lip, avoiding the other women's looks.

Liv then took the teenagers hands in her own and waited for her attention, when she refused to look up, she began to speak in the hopes that some of what she said was heard by Meredith.

"Listen to me Meredith. This was not your fault. The fact that you went with that little boy only shows how caring you truly are, the real intentions of that were not your fault and you had no way of knowing what they were."

There was another shrug from Meredith, "I guess, thanks Liv." She gave her a semi believable smile and then looked toward Erin, a little more confident.

"Let's do this."

**Hope you enjoyed, this chapter really flowed so I'm quite happy with it!**

**Are you guys happy with the pace of how this is going? Like I'm expecting this to end up rather lengthy, but if you guys don't want to reading chapters upon chapters I can probably sum it up a lot quicker then I'd intended.  
**

**I will hopefully begin writing a 'prologue' of sorts and I have a few things planned for that, so keep an eye out :)**

**Please let me know your thoughts/ideas in a review and thanks for reading!**

**Liv**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys, **

**Sorry for not getting this up sooner! And again, thank you for the kind reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Also, my case related knowledge is based off the show and the little bit of research that I do. Apologies if something's not factually correct, but I'm no expert! In saying that I do try!**

**Enjoy and please review!**

It was a little after 1.00pm when they finished and Erin had finished her sketches. As they'd started, Meredith remembered more and more little details that had helped greatly. The two pictures were ones she didn't want to look at for much longer when she stood and stretched before following the two women out into the bull pen area.

Amanda's head snapped up from where she was hurriedly scribbling on some kind of paper work. She dropped her pen when she saw Meredith and offered a smile as Erin passed Liv the two drawings and gave a hopeful look.

"Hey, hope these help. Nice meeting you Meredith, good luck with the case." Meredith simply nodded at the artists words. She'd been kind, caring and had definitely been an interesting person to meet, but Meredith wouldn't say it was 'nice' meeting her. She didn't say anything as she found herself getting more worked up the more she thought about it. Moving over to her mother's desk she sat down at an empty chair, watching as Liv thanked her again before Erin left with a cheery wave at the group of them.

"You hungry?" Amanda asked Meredith then, pulling her thoughts out off the silence.

"I'm okay. A little thirsty though." She muttered with a small smile.

Amanda went to stand but Mere held her hand up. "It's okay Mom, I know where the coffee pot is." She gave a grin, hopping up and giving a wince before continuing over to the pot of freshly made coffee.

"Fin, Munch." Liv called over the dull chatter and the two men looked up to which she continued, "You want to take these, Meredith said she stopped for coffee at a diner. Go see if the waitress has seen them before."

"It was called, "Maria's Hot House." Meredith then piped up as she added sugar. "I guess the waitress I had was the owner. It was literally down the street from where, it happened." She went quiet after that and returned to her seat, staring downward at the old flooring.

The two stood and grabbed their jackets as Liv wrote down the address that they'd found Meredith at. She passed the two sketches and the address to Fin who gave a nod before looking to the teenager who was seemingly trying to ignore the unwanted attention.

"Hey, we'll get him Mere," He started and she looked up, a worried expression on her face. "We won't stop until we have his sorry ass in prison."

Meredith gave a small laugh at that, but it didn't meet her eyes, and she quickly resumed her down cast gaze. She heard Amanda thank them and she knew that her Mom was slightly antsy about not being able to go out herself, having been told to stay in the background on this one, seeing as it was family and all.

It was a little while later when Meredith's nerves became itchy in the ever lasting quietness that the precinct ensued. She'd finished her coffee not long ago and had since taken to watching the three detectives get on with their paper work, her game of Candy Crush no longer tempting.

Amanda sensed her daughter's growing unease as she finished off a case report from Friday morning. It had been an 8 year old girl, who had been raped by her math tutor, multiple times. It had made the blonde detective sick to her stomach and she thought back to what the young girl had said to her. 'I was getting good grades, mommy was so proud. I thought I was good, but it hurt.'

Of course as the girl had told her what had happened, as much as she'd tried not to, all Amanda could see in her was Meredith. It was one of the cases that simply got to her. The girl, Chloe had light blonde hair similar to Meredith, but she had chestnut colored eyes, unlike the blue ones of her daughter.

Perhaps it was Chloe's innocence and complete belief in the world that was so similar and so like Meredith who'd always been one to see the good in people, despite the actions that some of them had taken. It reminded Amanda of the time Meredith was picked on in grade school, how she hadn't said a word about it to either her or her father until the teacher had called her one day and asked to speak to her.

Meredith, at the time at been overly enthusiastic in seeing her mother, but had quickly quietened down as her teacher, Mr. Morgan had explained the situation to Amanda. With a smile on her face Meredith had confidently told her that the two girls responsible were in dire need of a hug and not a telling off. For such a young and naive girl at the time, she sure had been insightful.

Her daughters sudden words pulled Amanda back to reality and also drew the silent attention of Nick and Olivia to her desk.

"I miss Dad." Was all she said in a tone of voice that didn't really seem to expect an answer. Meredith had been extremely close to her father and it was then that Amanda realized that it had been some time since they'd talked about him.

"I mean I know me saying that isn't going to bring him back, but sometimes I just wish it would, you know?" She looked across the desk at Amanda who gave a knowing nod, her thoughts now drifting into one of the corners of her mind, the one filled with memories of her and Paul. One of the ones she tried to forget about.

"I know, I miss him to." She replied in a quiet voice and noticing the saddened look on her face Meredith leaned across the desk.

"I still remember the last day with him. He woke me up, we watched cartoons together and then he drove me to school. He kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and watched me walk away." Meredith gave a small laugh at the memory and leant back in her chair. She sat in silence for a moment and Amanda had just managed to pick up her pen when she spoke again.

"When will Fin and Munch be back?" She was checking the time on her phone and this time it was Nick who replied.

"Here they are now." He said and Meredith turned to look at the entrance, where indeed the two were approaching from. Fin had a triumphant expression on his face and Meredith noticed the papers that Munch was holding.

"We hit the jackpot, well sort of." Fin commented in greeting and Meredith hid a smile as Liv and Nick moved closer, listening keenly as they told them what they'd learnt.

"Maria not only remembered our lovely Meredith here, but she'd also seen our perp and his kid that night. A hour or so after Meredith left." Munch spoke as he sorted through what he was holding. Eventually he pulled out a photo print and passed it to Liv.

Meredith stayed seated, deciding that as much as her curiosity was killing her, she didn't quite want to see his face, yet.

"Son of a bitch." Nick muttered and Fin gave a chuckle.

"You and me both man." He voiced knowing exactly how the young detective felt, each of them were wanting to take a hit at this guy and Meredith gave a tiny smile at their protectiveness.

"It gets better." Munch drew their attention back to him as he held up another slip of paper that Meredith couldn't read, or couldn't tell what it was from where she was sitting.

"He paid by card?" Amanda asked, sounding amazed and Meredith then realized that it was some kind of receipt.

"I don't think he was that stupid." Meredith muttered and as they all turned to face her she continued, a little bit louder. "I mean, a creep, yeah. But he was not stupid." She looked away and she felt Amanda place a hand on her arm in a move of comfort. Meredith took it and reached for her hand instead. It was rare that the two would turn to physical comfort when it came to it and even though she was partly to blame, Meredith wished she'd allowed it more often.

"Is it definitely him though? Can I see the photo please?" Meredith asked, despite the anxiety gnawing anxiety that filled her chest.

"She printed us a close up." Munch told her before handing it to her and carefully Meredith allowed herself to trace his features with her eyes, the site of a small scratch on his cheek made her smile. It quickly disappeared when she moved her attention to the boy, who stood next to his father, not having any idea at what he'd just caused to happen. After realizing she'd been silent for a minute or so, she looked back up to see expectant faces watching her. Shrinking back in her seat, she placed the photo on the desk in front of her and swallowed.

"It's him. That's the man who raped me."

**So some insight into their life in Atlanta kind of? I'll be uploading my prologue to this in the new year, so keep an eye out if you're interested in that! **

**Trying to quicken the pace of this a bit, and in the next chapter Mere goes to school and you guys get to meet Jamie! **

**Any requests will be taken into consideration so hit me with them!**

**Please let me know your thoughts/ideas in a review and thanks for reading!**

**Liv**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys!**

**Thank you so much again for your wonderful reviews, and here's chapter 12.**

**I feel like I'm really moving forward with this now and hope you're still enjoying this story and where it's heading!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

The previous afternoon had gone by in a whir and had lead Meredith to a sleepless night. After her confident ID of the man, she'd resumed her staring contest with the floor as they'd run his photo through a facial recognition program and got his name and details. Meredith had insisted that they pick him up calmly the next day after Fin and Nick had begun to gear up for more then a simple arrest. They'd agreed eventually after a few words from the teenager and they'd then returned to their desks. Her and Amanda had left not long after and Meredith had hidden in her room for the remainder of the evening, head phones in and a pillow over her head, it being her little way of blocking out the world.

Meredith however, had come out at the smell of the Chinese food Amanda had ordered and had a small helping before bringing up the subject of the next day. Her protests had begun once Amanda had voiced her unease about Meredith going to school, but not wanting to start a fight with the stubborn teenager, had eventually given in and Meredith had headed back to her room after washing her dishes.

It was a little after 11pm when her phone vibrated through the blaring music she was playing and she unlocked her phone to a short message from Jamie that put a small smile on her face.

_See you in the morning, sleep well x -Jamie {09.16.2013}_

Not feeling it needed a reply, she dropped her phone next to her on the bed and pulled her blanket over her head. It wasn't her thoughts about the attack that were keeping her up, it was merely her thoughts.

As a Snow Patrol song came on she debated on whether or not to send a quick text to Liv, knowing the detective was on the night shift tonight as Cragen had insisted that Amanda take the rest of the day off, knowing that she was coming in the following morning.

Giving a small shrug to herself, she pulled up a new message.

_You up? -Meredith {09.16.2013}_

Meredith kept it short as a way of starting conversation and found herself almost eagerly awaiting her reply. She knew she could have simply crossed the hall to her mothers room, but she didn't want to wake her, having noticed how stressed and tired Amanda had looked at dinner. There was also something about the way Liv always knew what to say that managed to lessen Meredith's anxiety in these sorts of times. It was 10 or so minutes later when a new message came through.

_Yup. That pot of coffee has my name on it. What's up? -Liv {09.16.2013}_

She gave a hushed laugh before typing in a quick reply and sending it.

_Ha, coffee's exactly what I don't need! Can't sleep, too much on my mind I think. -Meredith {09.16.2013}_

Liv's reply was a little delayed and Meredith was almost about to pull out her headphones and try and get a little sleep when her phone buzzed and she hurried to open it.

_What are you thinking about? -Liv {09.16.2013}_

_I don't know actually, not about him, just stuff. -Meredith {09.16.2013}_

_Hmmm, you aren't listening to music are you, may not be as helpful as you may think! -Liv {09.17.2013}_

As she read the message from Liv, she noticed that it had since hit midnight and she'd have to get up for school in 6 or so hours. That was a thought that made her cringe, and she suddenly found herself wishing she'd fall asleep.

_It helps, believe me. I guess I'm a bit nervous about school tomorrow. Ya know, after the other night and all. I don't know what I'm going to say. -Meredith {09.17.2013}_

_Just breathe, and don't be so hard on yourself, people only have to know as much as you want to tell them, no pressure huh? I have to go, duty calls, but text me or any of us tomorrow if you need to. You'll be okay and I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. Chin up sweetheart x -Liv {09.17.2013}_

Meredith gave a sigh and then re read the text and felt slightly better. Liv's advice always made such sense, from what she'd heard since she'd known her. Amanda wasn't so great as hard as she tried. The two often ended up in silence or started talking over one another whenever Meredith went to her to talk, or Amanda brought something up with her daughter. It hadn't been as uncomfortable when she was younger, when she didn't understand half the things that Amanda went on about, but as she'd gotten older she'd learnt that talking about her feelings just wasn't her thing.

She replied to Liv quickly, thanking her and then pulled out her headphones and placed them and her phone on the bedside table, laying on her back and closing her eyes, hoping that sleep would come.

After a while, she managed to get an hour or two of sleep before she woke and soon enough she checked the time and found it was just before 6 in the morning. She gave a groan before sitting up. There was no chance of her getting back to sleep now and she decided to take the opportunity to get up early and go for a run with Frannie, something she hadn't done in a long time.

Meredith pulled on a pair of leggings, a long sleeve top and a vest before rummaging in her closet for her sneakers. Eventually she found them and after tying her laces she slipped out of her room and grabbed Frannie's lead from where Amanda had left it the previous night. Clipping the lead to Frannie's collar, she moved toward the front door and unlocked it, pulling her hair into a pony tail before they left their apartment and headed downstairs.

She stayed out for a while, enjoying the brisk chilliness that the early morning air still held and she managed a lap around their local park before coming to a stand still and giving the dog a scratch behind the ear. The park was empty and Meredith eventually found herself making her way over to the sad looking swing set that she'd noticed when she'd arrived.

Sitting down, she didn't swing, but simply sat in silence, until she checked her phone for the time and realized that she needed to get back home. Standing, she stretched before starting off in a jog, Frannie trotting along next to her.

**xo**

Amanda was awake and dressed when Meredith arrived home, and coming in the apartment she just about came face to face with her mother, who'd obviously been pacing near the door.

"Where were you?" She asked and Meredith gave a shrug, bending to un-clip the dog, who hurried in for a drink.

"Took Frannie for a run. Now I'm going to get ready for school..." Meredith trailed off as she moved past her toward the bathroom.

"Yeah, well next time leave a note, I was worried." Amanda started and the almost regretted it as she heard her daughter scoff and knew a comeback was on the way.

As much as Meredith wanted to make a snarky remark, she held back and simply gave an eye roll before shutting the door to the bathroom firmly and turning on the shower.

She washed away the guilt, the grief and the feeling of despair with the close to scalding water and let herself have a cry. Managing to pull herself together she washed the remaining conditioner from her hair and turned the water off. She then wrapped herself in a towel and cursed her red rimmed eyes.

**xo**

She dressed modestly, in a pair of jeans and a sweater before applying make up and changing the bandage on her head, wincing as she saw the slightly irritated wound, knowing she'd have to deal with that later in the day. Leaving her hair out she re checked herself in the mirror, making sure that the fading black eye was covered and her lack of confidence unnoticeable.

Upon her daughter exiting her room, Amanda glanced up from her coffee and gave her daughter a small smile. "You sure about school?" She checked and the teenager gave an annoying huff, Amanda then knowing her answer.

"Of course." She started before checking the time on her phone. "Jamie will be swinging by to pick me up in 7 minutes."

"Okay, but know you can call me at any time, and I'll come get you."

"Yeah mom, I won't, but thanks." Now that she'd voiced that Amanda knew that Meredith would refuse to, no matter how much she really needed or wanted to, simply to prove how strong she was. In that way, she was so very similar to Amanda.

"Mom. I'm going now..." Her daughter's voice pulled her from her thoughts and she set her mug down.

"Give me a hug before you go, yeah?" She asked and after a eye roll Meredith gave a nod and moved forward into her mothers embrace, staying there for a moment before pulling back and heading toward the door, her bag slung over one shoulder. The English paper she had due that day, incomplete.

"Pick me up at 3.30?" She called back to her mother who nodded, saying she'd try and with that Meredith was out the door, glad that she was getting to see her best friend. Something that she thought would do her good, considering he was what she considered her other half.

**xo**

For a Monday morning, Jamie had been awfully quiet the entire ride to Willowton High, and despite Meredith's persisting chattering, he hadn't said much at all. Eventually Meredith gave up with a sigh and looked out the window instead, reaching out and turning the radio up.

As he pulled into a car park and the two got out, Meredith grabbed his arm as she came around the front of the dash. "Hey, what's up?" She asked, searching to look into his eyes. He meet her eye contact, before looking at his shoes.

"Nothing, I'm good. Just a lot on my mind. See you in Biology, second period." He told her in a softer tone and Meredith relaxed slightly, thinking that things had perhaps gotten tougher at home again as they were when they'd met. She nodded and the two parted, going their separate ways for home room.

That was when Meredith realized that she'd be seeing Ainsley any minute and a sick feeling began to develop in her stomach, the memory of her friend from the previous night coming to the front of her mind. Reaching the hallway the room she was going to was in, she then noticed the stares she was getting and hurried forward, trying to ignore the looks, of disgust?

It was a mere 10 minutes later that Ainsley entered, and scanned the room, seemingly looking for her. When she saw her, a grin slipped on her face and she moved to the back of the room where Meredith had been hiding.

"Well you got ya in's on Friday huh!?" She said a little too loudly, and Meredith went a bright shade of red.

"Ainsley, what?" She asked, confusion masking the anger she felt toward the girl.

"You and Ollie! I have the picture to prove it! Everyone will be bowing down to you now, I think you've made us popular!" Ainsley had sat down next to her and was rummaging in her bag as she spoke to Meredith, who now didn't have a clue what she was talking about.

"Seriously. What are you on about?" She questioned again, and Ainsley grinned before pulling out her phone and unlocking it. She tapped a few times before turning the screen to show Meredith.

"What the fuck." Meredith snapped as she grabbed it from her to look at closer.

"You guys are so cute together! And to think I set you up." Ainsley clasped her hands together, oblivious to Meredith's growing rage as she saw the picture of her and the drunk jock from the other night, the one she'd left in the bedroom before she'd left. Before she was raped.

"Delete it, please." She told her, as calmly as she could manage and at Ainsley's shocked look she repeated herself. The red head looked sheepish then and Meredith couldn't ignore the bad feeling that was nagging her.

"What now?" She asked and the red head gave a small smile.

"Too late." She started and at Meredith's raised eyebrow she continued, "It's on Facebook."

"You bloody didn't." Meredith spoke to her sharply, the angered itch clawing at her skin. As Ainsley went to speak she shook her head and stood, dropping the phone back onto the desk in front of her, and as her anger intensified, she moved right back out of the room with a slam of the door.

Not having any idea where she was going she headed down the hall in the direction of her first class, hoping to have calmed down by then. She was going to kill Ainsley, if the rest of the day didn't kill her first.

**So Jamie's a bit of a dark horse at the moment, will get more into his character in the next chapter, as well as moving forward with the case!**

**I also hope you liked the little Mere/Liv part I added in, I thought it was a nice touch? :)**

**I'm going to try and get one more chapter up before Christmas, so please let me know what you think! It really help with the whole process.**

**Any requests will be taken into consideration so hit me with them!**

**Please let me know your thoughts/ideas in a review and thanks for reading!**

**Liv **


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys!**

**Firstly, I hope you had a wonderful holiday!**

**I absolutely love this chapter and hope you do as well! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

Since arriving at the precinct that morning, Amanda had been extremely busy with the regular Monday morning cases and hardly got a chance to sit down and breathe until lunch. She was taking a moment to do exactly that when she felt a hand rest on her shoulder lightly, she glanced up startled to find Nick behind her, a concerned look on his face.

"You okay?" He asked softly and she nodded and ran a hand through her hair as he pulled a chair over and sat down.

"Are you sure?" Nick checked and Amanda rolled her eyes and was suddenly hit with the feeling that this was exactly how Meredith felt at times. She gave him a small smile then before speaking.

"I'm fine, Nick." She told him, in a way that hardly convinced herself.

"Keep telling yourself that, yeah?" He said and went to stand and at Amanda's sigh he stayed put, knowing she'd say something insightful when she was ready.

"I'm worried about Meredith." Nick nodded at her comment and she continued. "I mean she won't talk to me at all really, and she's always been that way. Was always closer to her dad then me and I can't change that, but I hate seeing her this way. She won't even let me talk to her. How am I meant to help her, if she won't even listen to what I have to say?"

They sat in silence for a moment after that, Nick trying to figure out what to say and Amanda trying not to think about Meredith's earlier years in Atlanta, with Paul. When they were happy. Content.

"She's brave," Nick began and Amanda instantly cut him off.

"Trying to be that brave all the time isn't a good thing, Nick." She said in protest and at Nick's smile she found herself regretting the comment.

"I think it's time for you to start taking your own advice 'Manda."

Amanda found herself without anything to say then and looked down at her hands, trying to avoid the truth in Nick's words.

Changing the subject, she spoke with a little more confidence. "Will you talk to her?" Meredith had always gotten on with Nick, and at times it had almost made Amanda jealous, as much as she tried to push that feeling out of the way.

"If you want me to." He replied instantly and Amanda gave a smile of thanks and for a while her mind drifted to thought that perhaps she liked the dark haired detective in the same way she'd liked Paul. As she processed that feeling she realized how similar the two men were. The sort of people who wanted to save the whole damn world.

Trying to save everyone was something always in the back of Paul's mind as a firefighter, and the times it didn't work out had crushed him. Of course at the time Meredith had been much younger and hadn't understood why her daddy had been so upset and quiet.

"Anyway, when are you going to go get this bastard?" She asked, feeling slightly more relaxed about Meredith now that Nick had said he'd talk to her.

"As soon as Liv get's back from talking to a vic, and she said she wouldn't be that long."

Amanda nodded before she remembered what hadn't been brought up yet. "What about the kid?"

Nick sighed not even being able to comprehend the use of your own child in committing such a crime. "We'll send someone to pick him up from school, call social services. Try and get him a second chance." He trailed off, leaving the two sitting in silence before Amanda was shaken from her thoughts by her phone ringing. As she went to pick up, Nick reached out and gave her arm a comforting squeeze before standing and moving back to his own desk, where his eyes instantly fell back onto watching the pretty blonde detective.

Liv arrived back an hour or so later and instantly Nick stood from where he'd been doing paper work. "How's Beth?" Amanda referred to the victim Liv had been with, leaning back in her chair as Nick grabbed his jacket.

"Not great. They have her dosed up on meds. She said she hates it in there, but that it's better then being at home. I spoke to her doctor on the way out, who said she's been hinting at wanting to kill herself for the past couple of days."

"Poor girl, she's been through hell and now she feels like she's trapped." Amanda commented and Liv gave a small nod.

"I think Meredith feels a bit like that to." Liv noted before seeing Amanda look away, obviously feeling some sort of embarrassment and changed the subject. "Do you have that address?" She asked and Amanda nodded before pulling out a slip of paper and handing it to Liv.

"Time to go get this son of a bitch" Nick said and Amanda could almost feel the anger radiating off him.

"Yeah well bring him back in one piece." Amanda gave a wry smile as the two left the squad room.

**xo**

It was Meredith's lunch period when she found herself feeling a little lost. She'd been avoiding Ainsley like the plague and Monday was the one day that Jamie had lunch at a different time to her. She eventually wound up in a corner of the school library, typing desperately, trying to finish off her English paper in hopes that she'd be able to hand it in the next day as she'd promised. The Great Gatsby was a book she'd enjoyed reading as much as it had annoyed her, the characters that was, how some of them simply took what they were given and did nothing else. Just floated through life as carefree as they could be.

The bell rang then and she stood, satisfied with how much she'd gotten done, now only having the conclusion to go. As she made her way to her History class she felt her phone buzz and after she'd sat down at her usual desk near the back she pulled out her text book and checked her messages.

_Meet me in our spot next period? Have something to tell you. -Jamie {09.17.2013}_

As people began moving in she sent a quick one back. She hadn't cut class for weeks and she didn't mind missing gym class that day. Meredith also hadn't had much of a chance to talk to Jamie that day and if he had something to tell her, she wanted to hear it.

_Okay, see you there x -Meredith {09.17.2013}_

She managed to spend the entirety of the class completely out of focus, trying to figure out what Jamie needed to tell her, and then once she'd run out of ideas she began to wonder what was happening at the precinct that day and whether they'd gone and picked up the man who'd raped her, whether it was any closer to being over. Meredith had also made Nick promise to keep his cool when they brought him in but secretly, she hoped he'd knock him round a bit.

Finally the bell rang and the class jumped to their feet, grabbing their stuff and hurrying out of the room to their next class. Meredith however, took her time and was the last to leave. She'd just made it to the door when her teacher called her back in.

"Meredith?" He asked and she cringed before turning and forcing a smile.

"Yes Mr. Morgan?" He gave a nod at her reply and she felt a confused look slip onto her face. Mr. Morgan was an odd teacher. He was extremely passionate about his subject but he had no social skills whatsoever. Meredith found it unusual that he'd called her back and wrung her hands together as he looked at her over his glasses.

"Are you okay? You seemed uninterested today. And what an earth have you done to your head?" Meredith gave an uncomfortable shrug.

"I'm fine sir, just tired, and it was just a silly accident." She managed to say after a pause.

He nodded in approval, before giving an unexpected laugh. "Here's a joke that might cheer you up before you go. Why did Eve want to move to New York?" He paused, not giving her a chance to respond before he finished it. "She fell for the Big Apple." He hardly managed to get the last word out as he started chuckling and it was a moment where Meredith wished she could have died, that was how bad it was.

"Oh that's a good one sir!" She gave a fake laugh as she adjusted her hold on her books.

"How I love history jokes..." He trailed off and as he turned back to the report he was reading she hurried from the class room, trying not to giggle.

Leaving the building, she headed toward the abandoned maintenance shed that had been empty for years and found Jamie standing outside, waiting for her.

"Hey." He called as she approached and she gave a smile.

"Hi." She replied softly as she stood next to him and breathed a small sigh of relief when he smiled back at her. He pushed the door open then and held it for her as she entered, wrinkling her nose at the musty smell.

The two sat facing one another on the floor and spent a few minutes in silence. Jamie looking conflicted and Meredith not knowing what to say. Eventually he went to speak and Meredith glanced up from where she'd been drawing patterns in a spot of dust.

"How was that party on Friday night?" At his tone of voice Meredith swallowed and her thoughts jumped to Ainsley, and then to what had happened to her.

"Mere?" He asked, pulling her from her thoughts and she shook her head.

"I left. You know that's not my scene. Drinking, I mean." Meredith muttered and he gave a nod and when he didn't reply she kept talking. "Did you see that photo on Facebook? The one Ainsley put on?" Facebook was blocked on the school's internet and Meredith was yet to actually see what her friend had posted in her obvious excitement. She wasn't sure she wanted to see it, but she knew she'd end up finding it later when she got home.

"I did." He answered shortly and it was Meredith's turn to nod, now knowing why he'd been so quiet that day.

"We didn't do anything. He dragged me in there and I left straight away." She reassured but he still didn't look like he believed her and she bit her lip. Her and Jamie had always been close and nothing had ever come between them before. But this time, Meredith thought that he could perhaps, be jealous?

"Okay." Jamie muttered after the silence and she held back an eye roll.

"I'm telling the truth. Ainsley was obviously drunk. It was just a misunderstanding. I left after like 15 minutes. Nothing happened." Thinking that what she'd said had explained it perfectly she was quiet surprised at his reply.

"That's not what people have been saying."

She swallowed before taking a breath and tried to give further explanation. "Like I said. It's just some stupid rumor." Jamie looked her in the eye then and she held his gaze before he looked down.

"Well Ollie seemed to have plenty to say." Meredith stood, hugging her books to her chest as she processed what he'd said to her.

"Nothing happened." She spoke loudly and could feel hot tears welling in her eyes.

"I hope not." He said quickly before standing himself and Meredith suddenly found herself feeling very small.

"Why does it matter so much to you anyway?" She questioned and he raised an eyebrow.

"Is it that unobvious to you?" He asked right back and she bit her lip. Now she was the confused one.

"What?"

"Oh Meredith." He spoke in a softer tone that melted away all her worries. It reminded her of the way Liv spoke to her, comforting.

"What?" She repeated in a whisper, almost too scared to hear what he had to say.

"I like you." As soon as he'd said it he looked away, and a nervous look appeared on his face.

Slightly taken aback Meredith found herself speechless, only managing an awkward, "oh."

"If you don't feel the same way..." He trailed off and Meredith quickly spoke up.

"It's not that. I'm just surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about me?" She said questioningly and he shrugged.

"I don't know, I have for a while." He admitted and Meredith wished she hadn't come to school, too tired to want to deal with this.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" She asked quietly and he shrugged again.

"Was scared I suppose. And when I heard about what people were saying you'd done I was jealous. I took it out on you. I was stupid to believe it. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Meredith murmured, trying to think of something to say.

"I meant to ask you earlier, what an earth happened to your head?" He changed the subject smoothly and Meredith's hand moved up to touch the bandage that was on her forehead.

"Oh, that." She said, giving a wry laugh. "Friday night happened." Meredith knew she could trust Jamie with what happened but she still found herself fighting telling the truth.

"What do you mean?" He asked, concern in his voice as he stepped forward and placed a hand on her arm.

"I... I don't really know how to say it..." She mumbled under her breath.

"You know you can tell me anything." Jamie told her and that was when Meredith felt her throat close up, and it was something she hadn't felt in a while. Tears quickly began to form in her eyes, and Jamie's look of concern became even so.

"Mere, are you okay?" He asked her and she shook her head as she fell into a sitting position, dropping her books. Jamie pushed them out of the way, crouching in front of her as she struggled to breathe, feeling as if her heart may explode, the way it was pounding in her chest worsening her anxiety.

_Can't breathe, can't think, can't talk, can't, can't, can't._

Noticing her hands shaking, Jamie took them in his own, thinking that it was somewhat of a calming action. However, as he did so, Meredith became very claustrophobic, the walls of the small shed closing in on her, swallowing her.

She pulled them back, holding them to her chest as her breathing became even more ragged and uneven.

"Meredith, what do you need?" He then asked, trying to keep himself calm as her tears turned into sobs.

"Focus on me, okay?" He told her and she managed to glance up at him. "You're safe." He continued, "Try match my breathing?" He asked before he started to take slow deep breathes, watching as Meredith tried to copy him, still overwhelmed in tears.

Meredith watched Jamie, with watery eyes as she felt her chest tighten and she let out another sob. She heard him talk, and heard the words, but she didn't seem to register what he'd said.

The walls felt as if they were moving, closer and closer, and the tin roof above them creaked as it lowered and Meredith looked up, tears streaming down her face as she then buried her face in her arms, drowning in her panic.

"You're safe." Jamie repeated as he realized how claustrophobic she'd become, not knowing what else to say.

After a moment of silence, with Meredith's heaving breaths the only sound radiating through the room.

"Do you want to go outside?" He questioned and she gave a single nod, then attempting to stand by herself, her legs shaking.

"Can I help you?" Another question that she nodded to, and he placed a gentle arm round her waist, to which she leaned in to, finding slight comfort in the welcomed touch.

Jamie opened the door and helped her through out into the cooler breeze. Meredith instantly looked slightly calmer and knowing she could trust Jamie in holding her up, she focused her eyes on the passing clouds. Watching as they drifted past, the two stood in silence for a few minutes until eventually Meredith's sobs quietened and her breathing slowed. She then motioned that she wanted to sit, and Jamie heled her down into a comfortable position.

He sat next to her, watching her carefully as she started picking at the grass in front of her and after a while she finally spoke.

"I'm sorry." She murmured, not looking up.

"Nothing to be sorry for." He told her lightly and she gave a small smile, although it didn't meet her eyes.

"Are you okay now? Do you need anything?" He checked when she fell silent and Meredith rubbed at the tracks that her tears had made on her face.

"I'm okay now." She said shortly, before continuing. "I haven't had one of those for years."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jamie, although curious, didn't want to push her into talking but she gave a half nod before looking up at him.

She gave a small laugh before speaking. "Not really. I don't know."

The two fell back into a comfortable quietness until Meredith spoke again.

"What time is it?" She was suddenly plagued with the feeling that she needed to see her mom, that she was safe and that they were both okay.

Jamie pulled out his phone to check before telling her that it was a little past 3.

"Do you want me to take you home?" He asked, sensing that she was becoming more on edge.

"Mom's work." She then admitted, some color returning to her cheeks.

"I can do that." He gave her a smile and ducked back inside to grab their stuff. He placed it all into his bag before slinging it over his shoulder and helping Meredith into a standing position.

"It's not far from here is it?" He gave her a small smile as he felt in his pocket for his keys.

"No, like 10 minutes." She kept her gaze low as she contemplated what had happened. She'd had a few panic attacks during the time after her father died, but they'd eventually died out and Meredith had thought that she'd never get them again. Until today, and that scared her. The thought of it happening again, and that was something that repeated over and over in her head the entire way to the precinct.

xo

Jamie kept a protective arm round her as they went past security and up to the SVU squad room in the elevator. The moment the bell dinged and the doors slid open, Meredith felt herself become anxious again, and lent into him, to which he tightened his grip on her.

Looking about the squad room, Meredith searched desperately for the sight of Amanda and eventually found her over the other side of the room, looking into one of the interrogation rooms, Barba standing next to her.

"I need to go to the bathroom." She murmured to Jamie who gave a small nod and pulled his arm away from her. Before she left however, Jamie caught her arm.

"Do you want me to go talk to your mom? Let her know what happened?" Meredith gave a simple nod, a sick feeling forming in her stomach as she realized who would be in the room, the man who raped her, and she moved toward the ladies room, a numb feeling setting in.

She was just opening the door, when Liv came out and greeted her with a smile.

"How was school? You're here early aren't you?" She asked and Meredith gave a nod.

"Shocking and yeah, Jamie drove me, I..." She paused and looked at the ground and when she looked back, Liv had a sympathetic expression on her face. "You got him didn't you?" She then asked, biting down on her lip.

"Yeah, we got him." She confirmed and Meredith went quiet, not knowing what to feel. All she knew was that there was absolutely no sense of relief.

It certainly wasn't over yet.

**I was going to add more here, but thought this was a nice place to end. I do know that a lot of you wanted to see Nick kicking ass, so I can go back and do that if you guys want me to :)**

**Will also have Jamie talking to Amanda next chapter, and Meredith seeing her attacker!**

**I know have big plans for this novel and I cannot wait for you guys to read my ideas, and I can't wait to write them!**

**Let me know any ideas and your thoughts in a review and thank you so much for reading, and continuing to do so! **

**Also, hope you have a wonderful New Years Eve, I cannot believe it's nearly 2015, this years gone incredibly fast... **

**Liv**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys,**

**Sorry it's been a while. I had a motivation block crisis I guess you could say!**

**I'm definitely continuing this story and know where I want to take it, it's just getting there that's dificult. **

**I also have this annoying inner voice, telling me that you guys aren't enjoying this as much anymore and even if it isn't true, it's really holding my confidence down. So please let me know your thoughts - in depth or just a few words, I don't mind, but they really help!**

**Sidebar; how insane was ' Forgiving Rollins ' ? I loved it for the most part! Let me know what you thought of it! Also, if you want to follow me on Tumblr I'm hashtagiplayedarookiecop :)**

**Anyway this isn't meant to be about me, so here's chapter 14.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy xx**

Jamie stood and watched Meredith for a moment before making his way over to Amanda, who was facing away from him. Standing to the side of her, he cleared his throat, making himself present.

"Hey Detective Rollins." He gave a smile when she faced him and she gave a friendly one back, before looking over his shoulder in obvious search for her daughter.

"Haven't seen you in a while." She noted and he shrugged, not really knowing what to say to that. In reality, he'd been over at their apartment with Meredith many nights, when she was lonely and Amanda was stuck at work.

"I brought Meredith here, she wasn't... Feeling well..." Jamie changed the subject after the two stood in silence and Amanda looked at him curiously, worry etched in her expression. Even Barba, whose focus had been fixated in watching the detectives through the one way glass looked at him. He himself hadn't had much to do with the Southern teenager, but when he'd heard what had happened, he couldn't stay away.

"I mean, she's okay - Just shook up I suppose." He continued quickly, not wanting her to think the worst.

Amanda went to speak when Meredith herself appeared, looking rather blank and possibly a little paler then normal.

"Hi mom." She said quietly, before pulling her into a hug, to which Amanda returned. When the two pulled out Amanda noticed her stand back and Jamie placed a supportive hand on the small of her back.

"You alright?" Amanda asked with raised eyebrows when Meredith looked at her, a sad, almost desperate look in her eyes.

"Not really." She admitted truthfully before scuffing the toe of her shoe on the ground.

It was Jamie who spoke next, his usual calm demeanor taking over for Meredith, who simply had a sick sense of dread in her chest as she realized who she was seeing through the one way glass. Her attacker. All focus was pulled as she watched him, slumped back in his chair, a proud smug on his face as Nick and Fin threw unheard taunts at him.

"Do you want me to tell her?" He asked, trying to catch Meredith's eye. When she didn't reply, he glanced back up at Amanda, who now, looked even more worried.

"She had a panic attack. I mean, she didn't say that's what it was, but I think that's what it was." Amanda gave a sigh as she nodded and stepped forward, placing her hands on her daughters arms.

"Mere..." She started before Meredith pulled back and moved round her, making her way to stand right in front of the glass.

It was then Jamie's turn to look confused as he watched his best friend turn into an unemotional wreck in front of him. It was almost like the time his family had been in a car accident and his younger sister had walked through the situation in a numbed daze. Like she was too aware of everything to process it, it was just happening.

"It's him, isn't it?" She questioned and although Amanda simply wanted to wrap her daughter in her arms as she told her the truth, she stayed back, too scared to move. A change from the tough, 'Southern way' everyone was used to with the Atlanta born detective.

The truth was, the bittersweet truth was that it was ruining her as much as it was Meredith. Quietly tearing her apart from the inside. Breaking her conscience, the little things that made her tick, that made her feel like she was keeping her daughter safe -

gone.

"Wait what?" Jamie suddenly said after what felt like a life time of silence. "Meredith?" He asked and the teenager flinched at her name, as if it were being branded into her skin

Meredith reached out to touch the glass then, her hand wavering as her nerves shook and after a moment she turned to face the three people standing behind her and taking a breath she spoke.

"I was raped." There was a pause as Jamie obviously processed what she'd just told him and Meredith almost wished she hadn't told him. However, secrets were the one thing that had the ultimate power to eat you alive, from the inside, out.

Jamie found himself speechless, and a hot wave passed over him as he tried to figure out what to do, what to say. Should he hug her? Say he was sorry? hold her hand? cry? yell? walk out?

Nothing seemed to make sense and he guessed everything was far more complicated for the victim of the crime. Had it been Oliver? Was that who was in there being questioned? He couldn't see, but he couldn't believe his thoughts.

Despite his alarming cockiness, Oliver had seemed like a decent kind of guy.

Not like he was good enough for Meredith. But who was?

"Say something." Meredith's chilling voice pulled him from his inner questions and he blinked, refocusing.

"I'm sorry..." He stumbled on the two word sentence and instantly regretted the words.

What was he sorry for, Meredith being raped? What a stupid thing to say. He looked at the ground as she changed focus and glanced toward her mother.

"I want to go home." She said it in a firm voice and Amanda gave a sympathetic look toward Jamie, who'd fallen back into a stunned silence.

"After this." She then added.

**xo **

Olivia was just making her way over to interview room 2 when she heard Meredith's outburst.

Unable to decipher any of what the teenager was saying, she hurried closer. As she arrived she noticed multiple things at once.

The boy, Jamie? Who'd brought Meredith to the precinct was standing with a hand over his mouth.

Barba looked concerned, and slightly relieved as he saw Liv appear.

Amanda was struggling to calm her screaming daughter.

And the smug bastard on the other side of the glass was grinning as he heard the angry shrieks.

Liv herself, was shocked at Meredith's behavior. Of course in her years at SVU she'd seen many angry victims, ones who hadn't handled being put in front of their attackers but none had been Meredith.

**xo **

The first time Olivia had met Meredith was a rough night, people were filing in and out of the precinct, like a usual Saturday night and despite the fact that she wasn't yet over Elliot putting in his papers, she was glad for the two new detectives.

She'd just come back from the hospital with a victim who'd put in a call a couple of hours ago and she'd decided to catch a couple of minutes to herself in the cribs.

Thinking it would be empty as it was such a busy night, it had come as quite a shock when she opened the door to the younger, almost duplicate copy of their new blonde detective.

She'd glanced up from her book and given the tired woman a cheery smile.

"Olivia right?" She'd asked and Liv had given a nod, moving inside and letting the door close behind her.

"And you are?" Liv questioned back, a small smile slipping on her own face.

"Meredith Rollins." She grinned before continuing. "This place is nicer than Atlanta. No creepy guys. Well apart from the perps I suppose. It's still nicer, well older, but I like it. And ya'll seem great. Well I've only met Nick properly, and Fin. Munch gave me a book to read tonight, but I haven't seen you yet. Now that I think about it, I have met most of you, that was stupid. I hate New York ya know, but this place is alright." Olivia's eyes widened at the blonde's excessive talking and at her obvious shock, the girl gave a laugh.

"Sorry, you're obviously tired, I mean, duh that's why you've come here. I'll go back out there and give you some peace."

"You can stay if you want, it's like a zoo out there." Liv told her, even though the bubbly teen wasn't going to be the thing to put her to sleep.

"Still? That's why I came up here, I hate it. I mean the victims, and the creepy guys... Wait, I mentioned that already. I better go find mom anyway, I'll go insane if I have to sit in silence any longer." She gave another smile, and bounded from the room, book still clutched in her hand, like it was her most prized possession.

**xo **

Meredith's childish demeanor was long gone at this point, and Liv knew that the innocence Meredith had held in her voice and her way about life was long gone at this point as she watched the teenager throw a punch at the glass, cracking it. The laugh of the monster behind it loudened as Meredith gave another cry.

It was then, a moment later as she heard her give another scream that she jolted into action as she moved forward to help Amanda, who at this point was trying not to cry.

The two detectives finally managed to pull Meredith away, her fighting the whole way as they moved her back to a safe distance.

"Let go of me." She yelled, no sense of reason in her voice.

"Meredith, baby. You need to calm down." Amanda tried, her voice breaking as she maintained a strong grasp on her daughter, who was still struggling to get away from her hold.

"Just go away." She begged, leaning into her mother who instantly wrapped her arms around her. "I don't know what I want." Meredith then whispered, burying her face into Amanda's shoulder.

She stayed there as minutes began to pass, and Jamie tapped Liv on the arm, breaking her chain of thought as she watched mother and daughter.

"I'm really sorry, about all of this. I have to go though, so can you tell Mere I said good bye and I'll talk to her soon?" He asked quietly, still looking shaken.

"Yeah kid, she's lucky to have someone like you. I'm sure she appreciates it."

"Thanks." He gave a grateful smile and with one longing last look, he was gone.

**xo **

Half an hour later and Meredith was sat in the cribs, a blanket round her shoulders. She'd stopped crying a while ago, but she hadn't let go of Amanda yet. A change from the previous days, where she would do everything in her power to avoid her.

"Did Nick kick his butt?" Meredith asked out of no where, a small smile on her face.

"Well he had a split lip when he came in..." Amanda trailed off with a slight laugh.

"Is it going to go to trial?" Instantly, Meredith was thinking the worst. That she was going to stuff up the case, that she'd say something wrong on the stand.

"Barba was convinced we had a strong case, and the facts back that up so far. We're just waiting for a DNA match. Which we'll get back tomorrow hopefully." Amanda said, rubbing her daughters shoulder.

"Do I have to go to school tomorrow?" A worried look came back across Meredith's face and Amanda sighed. The teenager instantly continued, wanting to explain her reasoning, "I mean I could, but I don't want to see Jamie, not because I hate him it's just-"

"Real, now that he knows?" Amanda guessed and her daughter shook her head.

"No, no. He told me he liked me. I just can't face him, not so soon as well."

"Oh." Was all Amanda could get out, slightly shocked, but understanding. She'd seen the looks Jamie had given her daughter, whether she was aware of them or not.

Maybe Nick did that with her. Watched her when she wasn't watching. She did that to him. Could that be defined as love? Long and longing unreachable looks across the room.

"Mom?" Meredith pulled her from her thoughts.

"It's going to be okay. All of this I mean. At some stage I'll get over this and it'll be like it never happened, right, I'll just forget." The hope in her daughters voice crushed Amanda's heart.

_If only she knew. _

_You never 'just forget', no matter how much you may want to. _

_The memories never just slip away. _

_If only she knew the truth, _

_Amanda certainly did. _

**Hope ya'll enjoyed that. I really like this chapter, even though it took a while to complete. **

**As always, let me know your thoughts in a review. Do you guys reckon the trial's gonna go to plan? How Meredith's going to cope with it all?**

**Ideas are also welcome - big or small!**

**Thank you so much for your continued support,**

**Liv xx**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys!**

**First up, thank you SO much for all your reviews, there were so many lovely ones and they've really got me back on track.**

**Also, you guys want some Rollaro, right!?**

**This chapter was a blast to write and I've kept it on the shorter side as I feel that's how it works best**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy xx**

Amanda had only been in love once in her life and her and Paul had been the perfect couple. Completely compatible and every thing just worked. When Amanda had confessed she was pregnant with their child not long after their high school graduation and he'd stayed.

It hadn't been like the horror stories they'd been preached in their time at high school. Paul hadn't heard the news and taken off across the country to college. They'd stayed in Atlanta and raised their kid. When Paul had died, Amanda had continued to do so on her own. They'd suffered greatly upon receiving the news of his death, but it was his strength that ultimately got Amanda through.

Meredith was curled up on her side facing away from her when she entered the room, but she quickly turned to face her and sat up as she saw who it was.

"You don't have to check on me you know." She said quietly, a small smile on her face. Despite her saying it, Amanda knew how much she appreciated it, even if she'd never be one to admit it.

Like mother, like daughter really.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh I know, couldn't help myself." She gave a wink and at Meredith's light laugh she carried on. "I'm finished for the day though, so we can go now."

Meredith nodded, not saying anything as her thoughts processed in her head.

"You okay?" Amanda asked and Meredith looked up.

"Yeah. Come sit down, I have something to say." She gave a comforting smile as she spoke, but Amanda still eyed her cautiously, trying to figure out what kind of terrible thing Meredith had to tell her.

However, her daughters words took her by surprise.

"Do you like Nick?" She asked the simple question some what innocently and Amanda found herself speechless.

"I mean like him, not like, 'oh I like him as a co worker.' Really like him? Do you?" At that, Amanda knew she had to say something toward her daughters persistent badgering.

"Of course I like him, he's a great guy."

Meredith scoffed. "Are you serious mom." Amanda couldn't help but laugh as her daughter rolled her eyes dramatically.

The two fell into an awkward silence before Meredith found something else to say, "It's okay ya know, if you do. I don't mind, and Daddy certainly wouldn't. He'd want you to be happy."

"Meredith..." Amanda cut her off, but before she could say any more, Meredith continued.

"Your feelings are relevant and I want you to be happy too. If it's with Nick, then so be it."

Amanda found herself fighting between holding it all in or blurting it all out. However, as usual, she began packing all the smiles and long lasting stares into boxes and shoving them into the corners of her mind. The ones that were mostly filled with thoughts of Paul, the ones she'd wanted to forget, yet hadn't.

"Mom..." Meredith whined, dragging Amanda from where she was trying not to get lost in her thoughts.

"Have you decided what you're going to do about Jamie?"

"Oh no you don't." Meredith's instantly responded to Amanda deflecting her daughters questioning.

"I want you to be happy." Meredith mumbled quietly as she stood, knowing her mother had heard what she had to say and Amanda gave a half hearted nod as she followed suit.

Meredith's words were still replaying themselves in her head as the two made their way back out into the squad room and Meredith didn't miss Nick instantly looking up at their appearance.

He looked at her second, and his eyes lingered on her mother a little longer then needed

Her own thoughts were doing cart wheels in her head. Did this make her happy though?

"You heading home?" He called out and Meredith turned to look at her.

"Yeah, I'm finished for the day." She said and Nick gave Meredith a smile.

"Do you need a lift?" He asked and Meredith hid an eye roll.

"You that bored of paper work?" Amanda joked and Meredith cringed, glad the two of them were more focused on each other then to notice her.

He gave a half smile, the smile that made Amanda feel like she was in 10th grade again, like she was a teenager.

"Ah, alright then. If you can spare the time."

He stood and grabbed his jacket before the three of them made their way out of the precinct. Meredith feeling very much like the 3rd wheel to a non existent couple. But as she watched the two of them in the elevator, she knew that was possibly yet to change.

**xo**

The two exchanged small talk in the car, easy chatter until Amanda turned to look at her daughter as they pulled up at a red light. Noticing she'd fallen back asleep, as they started to drive again she found herself starting to become more open, sharing things that she'd once, held onto slightly more then she was.

"I think she's missing her father." She told him, looking out the window to avoid eye contact.

"Her father..." Nick trailed off and Amanda didn't blame him, he knew absolutely nothing about the man and who he'd been, how great he'd been.

"He was the best thing that happened to me, you know? I guess it was like you and Maria?"

"Something like that, yeah." Sensing that she was moving into uncomfortable terrain, Amanda quickly changed the direction of the conversation.

"Meredith thinks I like you." Amanda admitted with a light laugh.

Nick returned it, making a left hand turn. "And what do you think?"

"I think... That that's for me to know, and you to not." At Amanda's obvious conversation ender, the two resumed idle chat about work.

**xo**

As they pulled up outside Amanda's apartment, she turned to thank Nick, and found that he was already out of the car. Making his way round to the backseat where Meredith was still, sound asleep.

"Thanks for the lift, I'll just wake her up and you can be on your way." Amanda gave a smile and stepped forward, freezing when Nick placed a hand on her arm, stopping her.

"It's okay, I got it." He returned the smile and Amanda moved out of the way. Meredith stirred slightly as Nick managed to get his arms underneath her, holding her bridal style, as he'd done only a few nights ago. Her groggy and bleeding, rather than now, where he reminded her so much of Zara.

"You sure?" Amanda checked and he nodded, giving a small smile as Meredith nestled her head into the crook of his neck.

They took the elevator up to their apartment floor and Amanda dug the keys out from her pocket, hurrying forward in front of them to unlock the door, holding it and Frannie back as Nick entered.

"She okay in her room?" He asked, heading toward the teenagers room, pushing the door open with his foot.

"Yeah, fine." Amanda said, following him and as he placed her daughter on her bed she was struck with the memories of Paul doing the same for her all those years ago, when Meredith had been too tired to last the car ride home. Shaking herself out of it, she moved forward to pull off her daughters boots before placing a blanket over her. She stood and watched her for a moment and could sense Nick standing behind her, doing the same.

"Do you want to stay for a bit longer? I mean, I could order in Chinese?" She offered, leaving her daughters room.

In saying that, there was apparently a hell of a lot more meaning behind fried rice and fortune cookies then she knew.

**xo**

It felt late when Meredith finally woke and when she did she could hear muffled voices coming from the living area, one of the bonuses to having a shoebox apartment. Flicking on her bedside lamp, she noticed the time and groaned, it only being a little after 7. Surely Nick wasn't still here? At the thought of the dark haired detective, her eyes instantly moved over to the picture frame that stood upon her set of drawers.

It was a picture taken by a family friend, of the three of them; her, and her parents. The perfect little family. That's what people had seen them as, being perfect.

She refused to let herself dwell on the moment and decided on getting up to get a drink of water. Secretly using the excuse to see who else was in their apartment.

It was an older place, and Meredith had always been grateful that her door was virtually silent on opening and closing. Not that she'd ever had to sneak out of the house, yet anyway.

Meredith pushed it open a crack and peered through the gap she'd made, giving a sigh when she couldn't see anything.

Opening it further she moved out, still out of sight and took a glance round the corner, in the direction of the couch and what she saw was a complete shock.

She knew her mom liked Nick, and it was fairly obvious that he felt the same way, but seeing them together was something different all together. Amanda hadn't been with anyone that she knew of for years, well since Paul and it came as quite the shock to see the pair of them on the couch together, a bottle of wine on the table

The sight of the two of them kissing, passionately made Meredith stop dead in her tracks, her mind frantically itching for something to say.

**Cliffhanger! **

**This one's up to you - Want Meredith to interrupt or not!? Let me know!**

**Also I know it wasn't really 'direct' Rollaro as such, but I feel like it worked well and obviously I'll be building it up as I go.**

**I have something big coming up as well, hopefully sooner rather than later so I may skip forward a couple of days at some point.**

**I'll give ya'll a hint! I'm bringing in a character with the initial's WL. A****ny guesses? Not a hard one (;**

**Let me know your thoughts in a review please! Ideas are welome as always as well **

**Thank you guys so, so much!**

**Liv x**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys,**

**This took way longer then intented to write so sorry for that! **

**I'm also glad at how much ya'll loved the previous chapter and you don't know how happy you've made me - I've hit 100 reviews! Well actually 106, but I just wanted to say a huge thank you.**

**This story, whatever you want to call it would never have gotten this far without all of you. I'm not great at finishing things, but this one I'm going to I promise you that :)**

**Also shoutout to Madison for inspiring one of the little ideas for this chapter! I do love hearing what you guys want to happen!**

**Oh and one of my guest reviewers wanted to know if I post on a particular day and the answer to that is no sorry! I'm kind of in a shitty place myself at the moment, and although writing this helps, it's not always consistent - some days I write a whole chapter, sometimes I don't write anything for a couple of days. Hope that clears that up...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy! xx**

Things had moved rather quickly for the two detectives, and before the two of them knew it a bottle of wine had been unscrewed and they were sitting together on the couch. Despite the wine, which Amanda hardly ever drank, she continued to keep glancing in the direction of her daughter's room, just in case.

She had given her, her blessing however. And that was the reason that she had no intent on stopping what was yet to happen.

"I probably shouldn't have too much to drink, I'm meant to be on duty." Nick's voice of reason interrupted her teenage like thoughts. Was this what Meredith felt like whenever she was with Jamie?

"Shhh." Amanda found herself moving closer to him on the couch. His mouth twisted up into an amused half smile and she could smell the light scent of cologne. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and she instinctively leant into it.

Without either of them really giving it much thought, their lips touched. Softly at first, almost unsurely and then as they continued it become more passionate. Amanda completely forgetting about her daughter and simply beginning to enjoy herself. The long looks across the squad room a distant memory.

Paul and Nick were both very similar, and Amanda hoped that in a sense, one that she didn't want to think about too much, that Paul approved of her choices. Not only that he was good enough for her, but that he was good enough for Meredith.

**xo**

As Meredith's mind went into absolute overdrive she began to second guess herself. She was the one who'd practically told her mother to go for it, so why was she having such doubts about her words now?

As she thought, she didn't miss the unmistakable twitch of her nose and before she could stop herself, she sneezed. As soon as it happened, she ducked back into her room, quickly as the two looked up, looking extremely guilty.

"Thanks for the lift home eh Nick?" She called before laughing quietly to herself. She couldn't see them anymore but she could hear them, and they sounded rather flustered. There was no reply to her comment and as she heard the front door shut she suddenly felt bad, like she'd ruined the moment.

After a few more minutes of hiding in her room, she came back out and seeing her mother still sitting on the couch she awkwardly made her way over.

"I guess this was probably what it was like for you to find out me and Jamie did it right?" She gave a smirk and Amanda raised her eyebrows at her failed attempt to lift the mood.

"Sorry for interrupting." She then whispered, looking at the ground.

"Sorry for giving you something to interrupt." Amanda fired back and as Meredith raised her hands in defeat she gave an apologetic smile.

The two sat in awkward silence for a while before Meredith spoke again, quietly. "I'm gonna go finish my English paper." At Amanda's nod she rose and quickly made her way over to her room, shutting the door in an unwelcoming manner behind her.

Before she pulled up her Great Gatsby essay, she found herself delving into the file of photos she had on her computers. Ones of her when she was younger, mostly taken by or of her and her dad. It was true that she'd always been closer with her dad then her mom. After a while of flicking through the endless amounts of photos she turned her attention to a new message on Facebook. She'd had a few after the whole debacle, mean ones that she'd chosen to ignore, but this was one she couldn't not read.

_Zak _  
_Hey babe, I'm guessing the rumors I heard weren't true... _

Something intelligent was perhaps coming out of his mouth for once and forgetting about Gatsby she typed in a quick reply

_Meredith _  
_Hi, um nope they're not _

He came back instantly with a reply and it was one that left a heavy weight in the pit of her stomach.

_Zak _  
_Ha figures, you'd never put out for me. Maybe next time you will yeah :) _

Not even bothering to reply she typed out a quick thoughtless conclusion for her paper before shutting her laptop and moving over to her bed. Her intrusive thoughts could wait till tomorrow.

**xo**

Morning came far too quickly however, when Meredith did wake she noticed it was later then normal, it already being 7.45. As she threw back the covers she gave a deep sigh as she remembered the events of the previous night.

Her mom and Nick, kissing.

Forcing a smile on her face she made her way out to the kitchen, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Am I coming to work with you?" She asked Amanda in greeting as she saw her appear from the bathroom. She looked startled but gave a nod in response.

"If you want." She said shortly and Meredith looked away, before putting her cup down.

"If you're happy, then I'm happy mom. I mean good for you." She didn't quite know if she meant it, but she figured it'd cheer her mom up if she did.

"Thanks Mere." She gave a grateful smile and Meredith returned it before heading to get changed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a hoodie of Jamie's.

"Do you have my phone?" She asked Amanda who was in the midst of making toast for the both of them who nodded.

"Yeah in my bag hon." Figuring Jamie must have given it to her she nodded, taking a detour to grab it before heading into the bathroom, brushing her teeth and pulling her hair up into a bun.

It was going to be a horrendously long day, but what was she yet to get through?

**xo**

It was mid morning when Meredith found herself venturing off to the vending machine, in much need of a distraction from watching Amanda and Nick swapping turns of staring at one another. They'd hardly uttered two words to each other and although it was probably down to embarrassment, Meredith found it adorable.

It had been a boring morning of listening to music and she was just leaving the vending machine in the hall way when she heard Liv speak.

"One of Beth's doctors just called, told me she's made a break through and that she said she's ready to tell me what happened."

Slipping back into her chair, she listened to what the other's had to say before she looked up with a small smile.

"Can I come?" Instantly everyone turned to look at her, surprised at her request.

"Are you sure that's a good idea honey?" Amanda asked her

"It might be actually." Liv gave a smile as she obviously thought it through.

"Great." Meredith mumbled before standing and pocketing her phone.

The two were in the car when Meredith's curiosity finally got the better of her. "So who is Beth?"

At Liv's sad smile she almost wished she'd never asked, but the older detective still managed to tell her.

"We were called into Beth's case a week or so ago. She was on a 72 hour suicide watch after overdosing on pills. She disclosed to a nurse that her father had been abusing her. When Nick and I got there, she refused to tell us what had really happened. She's been in hospital since then."

Sensing Liv had finished, Meredith looked away before speaking. "Are you sure it's okay for me to be there then? I mean, I don't want to intrude or anything, she obviously trusts you."

"I'll get one of the nurses to check with her first, but I have a feeling you may help her more then you think."

"Alright I guess. Just see how it goes huh?" Meredith forced a smile on her face as she resumed looking out the window, thoughts running through her mind at a million miles an hour.

**xo**

"Beth's okay to see you now and said she's alright with your friend as well. Just take it easy on her please, it took long enough to get her to this point." A nurse with grey hair told them and Meredith breathed a small sigh of relief. She was a little scared, but there was something in her that just wanted to do this, wanted to help.

"Okay Mere? If it gets too much for you, you can leave..." Liv spoke softly as the older woman left to deal with someone else.

All Meredith could do was nod before she followed Liv inside the room that they'd been indicated to.

"Hi Beth, how are you today?" Liv's calming voice took effect on Meredith once again, much like it had the day she'd told her own story. It seemed like it had happened years ago and she was struck with a wave of realization when she figured it had only 4 days ago, not even a week. Before she let herself fall into a spiraling anxious black hole she looked up, swallowing back the thought and glancing at Beth.

She was pretty and looked maybe a year or two older then herself. She had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. The type of girl who was in the popular crowd at school, the ones who tormented Meredith.

"Well they gave me a stack of cards to shuffle. I can't play and there's no one to teach me but I'm okay, maybe that's the pills speaking though." She gave a small smile, but Meredith noticed it didn't meet her eyes. Beth looked to Meredith then before back up at Liv.  
"Who's your friend?" She questioned, placing the cards on the table in front of her. The detective took a seat across from her and Meredith hesitated before moving to sit next to her. A small laugh stopped her however, and Beth spoke lightly.

"I don't bite ya know. You can sit next to me." Meredith gave a nod before changing places and Liv gave a sigh, eyeing the older teenager who was starting to look a little uneasy.

"Your doctor told me you said you were ready to give your statement, are you still okay with that?" Liv checked, pulling out a notepad and pen.

Beth gave a brave nod and was about to speak when Meredith stopped her. "It's scary right, the thought of talking about something you wish you could just lock up and forget about, but it really does help and Liv's a great listener."

Beth relaxed slightly and looked down before she started talking. Meredith listened closely and as her story kept on going she began to re think what she'd been through. it had been nothing compared to Beth. Was she just making to bigger deal of it all? The emotionless voice of Beth pulled Meredith from her thoughts and she noticed Liv looking at her in a concerned manner.

Somehow the teenage like making out Amanda and Nick had been engaged in the other night didn't seem like such a big deal. Now her biggest problem seemed to be herself and the repetitive thoughts she couldn't rid herself of.

All Meredith could think of now was that she wanted her dad, badly.

The rest of Beth and Liv's conversation went by slowly and despite how she'd felt earlier Meredith no longer felt like staying and teaching Beth stupid card games. All she wanted was her dad and she was scared. Nothing was ever going to fullfil that want. He was gone and he wasn't ever coming back. There were always days where she'd forget for a moment, sometimes even hours at a time, but there were also days where she'd remember. The way he'd carry her into bed when she'd fallen asleep on the couch after he'd let her stay up past her bed time. All the stupid things that never mattered were the things she missed the most.

Nick may be able to make her mother happy, but now Meredith wasn't quite so sure he'd make her as happy as she'd previously thought. No one could ever begin to replace her father.

That almost killed her.

**Okay that may have been a little unrealistic but I love this chapter so oh well eh?**

**So I'm moving forward in the next chapter and will be starting at the night before the first court hearing... If any of you have ideas, hit me with them, but now I just know where I want to go and I just want to get on with it so the next big thing will be introduced into the next chapter!**

**I also feel like this is in need of a Nick / Meredith scene, in the next chapter or so?**

**Please leave your thoughts in a review - they mean an incredible amount to me!**

**Thanks,**

**Liv x**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey guys,**

**Firstly, sorry this is so late, I got a bit of writer's block and was also quite sick for a few days and didn't feel like writing - fair enough?**

**Also I have no idea how a bail hearing goes haha, so it's mostly done on guess work and off what I've seen on SVU.**

**I am going to try and get a few more chapters out before I start university in like 20 days!? **

**Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews, they mean the world to me! For a while I thought you guys were loosing interest, but boy did you show me! Hope you like this one as much because the next two chapters are going to be a lot more intense hopefully!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

It was a couple of long days later that Meredith found herself pacing back and forth in her room. It was the first day where she'd have to see her attacker since the night it had happened and she could hardly stomach the thought. He'd been arrested once the DNA had come back as a match and she'd had to formally identify him in a line up. She'd put on a brave face for that, and it had taken mere minutes for it to be over. Amanda had been called into work the previous nights and had left muttering apologies, and something about the unit being understaffed. Meredith had waved her off with a tight smile and called Jamie as soon as she'd left.

He hadn't been able to come over, as he was baby sitting his younger sister but he'd managed to talk to her for the best part of an hour. Enough for her to begin to calm down and settle on the couch for the remainder of the night. The TV glowing in the background of her nightmare.

She stopped her erratic pacing for a moment and smoothed her hands over the skirt she was wearing. Amanda had offered her breakfast and she'd quickly refused, knowing she wouldn't be able to keep it down. She simply wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. Amanda had tried to comfort her in saying that it shouldn't take too long, but it did little of the sort. The only thing that she thought would make it better, would be if her dad was here. He'd wrap her in his arms and wouldn't let go.

No one knew how much she was struggling with him not being here and Meredith was doing everything in her power to keep her mind under control. None of her mothers team knew the details of her father and she figured Amanda wouldn't want her saying much, even as it was silently crushing her.

Pulling her phone off it's charger she forced herself to take a breath before making her way out of her room. Nick had insisted in picking them up and Meredith had given a signature eye roll when Amanda had accepted the offer. Despite her not showing it, Meredith knew that deep down her mother was probably just as stressed as her. She'd just had more years experience of hiding it.

Meredith had gone to school the last few days, simply in means of distracting herself. A few of her teachers had sensed something was up and had persisted in daily questioning regarding her emotions. She was sick of people asking about her feelings. If it wasn't her mother, it was her mother's team. If it wasn't Jamie, it was everyone else at school. She knew she couldn't snap at them, it wasn't their fault, they just didn't get it

"You okay?" Her mother's words broke her train of thought at just the right moment and her head snapped up to stare at her.

"Yeah, fine." She muttered back before pulling on her leather jacket, despite her mother having told her to choose something else earlier that morning.

Amanda gave a sigh before checking her phone as a text came through. "Nick's here." She told Meredith as she read through it and when her daughter didn't move she looked over at her.

"He's not going to get out is he?" Meredith asked her

"Well, hopefully not." Amanda told her truthfully and Meredith ran a hand through her hair and gave a brief nod.

"Okay, let's go." She spoke quietly, crossing her arms over her chest to stop her hands from shaking.

Amanda placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and pulled her into a hug before the two left the apartment, Meredith chewing on her lip, nerves buzzing through her mind.

**xo **

The court room was almost empty when Meredith followed her mother and Liv in through the doors, Nick having being called away on a case. She hadn't really known what to expect since no one had really explained how this part worked, they'd just said it wouldn't take long. That had done little to curb her nerves. Barba, had told them that he was feeling rather confident and had commented on how he wished all the cases they got were this easy. Meredith hadn't spoken since that. The sentence feeling like a stab in the back. She knew he hadn't indented for his words to hurt her as they did and at seeing her instant crestfallen face, he'd apologized, saying he didn't mean it like that.

She kept her eyes on the side door up the front of the room as they took their seats, Meredith sitting between them. The safety it offered her made her relax slightly and she crossed a leg over the other, finding interest in wringing her hands together. Feeling a nudge from Amanda she looked up, back over at the door and gulped, swallowing down a lump of reality.

The bastard who'd raped her had a smug look on his face. Like the charge of rape was no bother, something to be proud of. Meredith hid a scoff and as he looked over to her and gave a sly wink, she coughed over the breath she was taking.

Amanda took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as the guard to the left of him escorted him past them to his seat, where he lent back in a relaxed manner, his court appointed lawyer talking in a hushed voice to him.

The whole process went by in a blur for Meredith. The judge had called the case of 'Murray Heaton', even his name sending chills down her spine. Barba had then gone on to ask for bail to be set at $50,000 and the defense had argued it down, saying it was his first offence, that he was grieving the loss of his wife and that he had a young child. As the uptight looking woman had argued his case Meredith had fought through the nauseous feeling and focused straight ahead, simply hearing the voices. Barba's bold tone had given her confidence however, and eventually the judge gave his decision, for bail to be set at $35,000. It was lower than Meredith had expected and she found herself gripping her mother's hand tightly as the defense attorney conferred with her client, who gave a shake of his head.

Barba shot a smile at the three of them as a guard stepped back forward and the judge called for the next case. As Murray was moved past them he suddenly called out.

"What's going to happen to my son?" The judge quickly gave him a short reply that social services would take care of the issue.

Meredith almost found herself feeling bad for him at his deflated look and watched him exit, shoulder's hunched before standing to leave. She'd managed to convince Amanda to let her go back to school once the ordeal was over and eventually she'd agreed to a point, saying they'd see how she was after.

"So, school?" Meredith asked quietly once they'd left the court room and were in the hall way.

"If you really want." Amanda checked, knowing her daughter all to well. She just wanted to push on and get back to her life, bury herself in her work. Amanda knew that tactic, having used it for years herself now. Liv gave a smile as she returned to the two of them from talking to Barba.

The three started to head back to Liv's car when Meredith next question popped into her mind.

When would the trial start? She was going to have to tell her story to a room full of strangers. Go through the embarrassing and tormenting event once again, by herself alone on the stand. With people staring at her, wondering how she could be so stupid to let it happen.

**xo **

She spent the remainder of the day in a daze. She sat with Jamie at lunch and shared a diet coke. Everything seemed normal, but she didn't feel normal. Conversation had fallen back into normality, about stupid things that meant nothing. He didn't ask her about how court had gone that morning and she hadn't told him.

"You wanna go outside?" He asked after a moment of silence and Meredith gave a shrug as she screwed the cap back onto the bottle.

"Sure." She answered and the two left the ever growing crowd that was beginning to fill the school's cafeteria.

They found peace under a small tree in the shade, and sat with their backs to it, their arms brushing against one another.

"Did you want to get coffee Sunday morning?" His offer caught Meredith by surprise but she quickly covered her surprise with a smile.

"That would be really nice."

"So it's a date." He gave a grin and Meredith elbowed him.

"Don't get too cocky!" She laughed as she held his hands up in mock surrender.

He thought for a moment before speaking. "How early are you willing to get up?" She raised an eyebrow at the odd question but at his smile she replied anyway.

"Uhh, I don't know, what for?"

"I know the best place, and you can really see the sunrise from there. I don't want to spill my secret, but it's a really special place and I think you'll love it."

Meredith gave a nervous laugh before giving a nod. "Alright then Romeo, what time do I need to get up?

"Ah well if we got there at like 7, that would be perfect, but we could get there later if you wanted."

"Oh what the hell, okay. Is it far from my place?" She gave a smile at the delighted look on Jamie's face and he paused.

"Maybe like a 20 minute walk? I can pick you up if you want..."

"No, no I can walk, just send me directions." She cut him off and he gave a nod.

"Okay, if you're sure."

They sat in comfortable silence for the rest of their lunch period before the bell sounded and they stood. Meredith pulled him into a tight hug before giving a wry smile. "Time for biology!"

Grabbing her bag, she slung it over her shoulder and the two parted ways, Jamie heading off calculus class. Whatever Jamie had planned for Sunday was just what she needed, considering tomorrow marked a week from her attack

Somehow the next few days didn't seem as unavoidable and with that thought she hurried to class, a small smile on her face.

Little did she know, as much as her life had changed in the last week, it had the possibility to get a lot worse.

**Ah, a bit of a cliff hanger? And how cute is Jamie? ;)**

**Bringing in one sick person possibly in the next chapter, if not the one after so watch out for that!**

**Thank you so much for your continued support, it's such a confidence boost, so please leave your thoughts and any requests in a review. I take them all on board!**

**Look out for chapter 18! Can't believe I'm almost at 20 - crazy stuff!**

**Thanks,  
Liv**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey guys**

**Long time, no chapter huh? Wish I had a good excuse but I really don't. Just a lil bit of writers block, but I'm back on track now (hopefully)**

**Thanks for the reviews though, hope you enjoy this one and I feel like things are now starting to heat up and I'm getting back into writing something I'm a bit more inspired to do!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

Friday evening came around far too quickly for Meredith's liking and she found herself alone in their apartment again, her mother having been called into work on what they'd called a big case, whatever that meant.

As soon as Amanda had left Meredith had turned on the TV and curled up on the couch, clenching her hands together into fists to stop them from shaking. After a while she'd gotten up and hurried into her room, thinking picking an outfit out for Sunday morning would help take her mind off the events of a week ago. However, it did exactly the opposite, memories of picking out an outfit the previous week flooding her mind, licking the hidden boxes stacked in the corners and sloshing up against the good memories that were left at the front, drowning anything lovely out of them.

It wasn't long before she found herself on the ground, hands on her head, trying to block out the way the thud of her hitting the brick wall sounded and the wailing sirens and the laughing boy. Everything was overwhelming her at once and she didn't have the strength to stop them. Frannie eventually picked up on her muffled crying and scratched her way into her room, trotting over and snuffling in Meredith's face. After a moment she sat and put her arms around the dog, tears still making their way down her face into Frannie's coat. Her arm was still aching, after having the stitches removed that morning before school. The doctor had said it was healing well and had given her an antibiotic cream to apply to it, saying it would still leave a scar.

Suddenly feeling very alone, she stood shakily and made her way out to where she'd left her phone, hoping by some chance that her mother had text her saying she'd be home soon.

No such luck.

She gave a sigh, as stupid as it sounded, knowing she'd have to walk the entire three quarters of an hour way there, all Meredith then wanted was to be sitting in the safety of the precinct. Meredith thought about calling Jamie and asking for a lift, but figured she didn't want to interrupt his excitement for Sunday morning, whatever romantic early morning adventure he'd planned. And with that, she slipped on her jacket, went back into her room to find a scarf and picked up Frannie's lead, to which she wagged her tail at furiously.

"C'mon girl." She murmured, bending down to clip it onto her collar. Keeping her phone clutched in one hand and the lead in the other, they made their way out of the apartment and down the stairs. The evening was cool, but still and after walking for a while Meredith found herself rather warm, with a burning feeling in her chest. She stopped then, forcing herself to take a deep breath before continuing.

Barba had called that afternoon, saying the trial would start on Monday and ever since hearing that it was becoming a reality she'd had nervous butterflies in her stomach. He'd said that he would take her into the courtroom either tomorrow or Sunday to practice what she had to say and that almost made her more nervous then the actual thing. After looking up to see a couple of workmen staring at her she hurried on her way, panic fleeting through her mind.

**xo**

It took longer than expected to arrive at the precinct, but as it finally came into sight she felt herself relax considerably. The building was warm and the officer on security gave her a skeptical smile at the sight of Frannie and at Meredith's hopeless shrug he waved her through, passing her a visitor tag that she clipped onto her jacket.

The squad room was bustling with activity and after taking a moment to scan the crowd she gave a disappointed sigh, not being able to see Amanda anywhere. Making her way over to her mother's desk she kept her head down as she tied Frannie's lead round the desk leg, where the dog lay down, head on her paws, knowing it wasn't the time or place to be playing games.

She sat down, hands in her pockets to hide the fact they were shaking and started chewing on her lower lip. It was then that she noticed Nick coming out of Cragen's office, on his phone and closely followed by Liv. The older woman noticed her through the scattered crowd of people and made her way over after telling Nick something.

"Sweetie, what are you doing here?" She asked, bending to her level.

"I was lonely." Meredith muttered, looking at her legs until Liv spoke again.

"Do you want me to get Amanda?" Her kind voice quietened Meredith and she gave a meek nod instead. Liv placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"She's with a perp at the moment but I'll let her know you're here okay? Are you alright?"

A few tears escaped then and Meredith angrily brushed them away as Nick came over having finished his phone call.

"Come on, I'll take you some where a little more private." Nick said as Liv straightened up and offered a smile. Meredith figured she was busy and had something more important to be doing and gave a nod, taking his outstretched hand. She was about to follow him across the busy squad room when she stopped in her tracks.

"What about Frannie?" She asked in a small voice and Nick gave her a smile as he glanced down at the dog, who had her eyes closed, seeming to be quite comfortable at where she lay under Amanda's desk.

"She'll be okay." He told her and with one last look at the dog, Meredith let herself be lead over to the empty looking break room.

It was then, once he'd shut the door and taken her over to the small couch in the room that she started crying. Nick didn't say anything, he knew anything he had to say wouldn't be listened to in the moment and simply wrapped his arms around the shaking teenager, who instantly leaned into him.

It was five or so minutes later when her cries subsided as the door creaked open and the two looked up to see Amanda come in. She quickly pulled a chair up and sat opposite her daughter, who was refusing to look at her, seemingly out of embarrassment. Amanda looked to Nick who gave a small shrug.

"Meredith, how'd you even get here?" Amanda asked, a little sharper than expected. She was about to speak again as it seemed that Meredith wasn't going to reply, and then she did.

"I walked. With Frannie." She spoke quietly and at Amanda's sigh she started to cry again, the comfort Nick's arms had given her minutes ago now forgotten as she pulled her knees to her chest.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed, by both her daughter and the case that had come in that night, Amanda moved to sit next to Meredith who began to quieten down after a while.

"You can go back to work mom." Meredith then muttered and Amanda shook her head.

"It's okay. I'll go speak to Cragen, if he's still here and then I'll take you home."

Meredith figured she was just tired and that's what was giving her the vibe that she was fed up and annoyed but she couldn't help but figure it was directed at her, and she struggled to keep herself from falling into fits of sobs again.

She kept her head down as Amanda left the room, shutting the door behind her and then Nick turned to face her.

"What's wrong, Mere?" He asked softly and as the teenager shook her head he spoke again.

"Bottling it up inside doesn't help, you know?" His angle at trying to get her to talk was getting to her and before long she was talking at a rapid pace, wanting to get whatever she had to say out before Amanda returned.

"I just have this feeling, this sick sense of dread. That something bad is going to happen and I don't know what but I can't get rid of it. And mom, she think's I'm okay, about all of this. But I'm not, I'm barely getting by. I haven't slept through the night once without waking up multiple time in panic and I just can't tell her, or anyone really. I suppose that's beside the point since I've told you, but nothing I do stops it, the memories and the sounds and the face of that little boy and my stupid naivety, how I let myself get dragged into the situation so easily and how I didn't even fight back or anything."

Meredith paused for a breath then and at first neither of them spoke, Nick simply trying to work out what she'd been saying.

"I think you need to talk to Amanda about this." Was all he said before Amanda returned and Meredith couldn't help but hate him for that. She'd spilled a lot of what she'd been keeping inside and that's all he had to say to her? That she should talk to her mother?

Pulling herself away she stood and angrily pushed her way past Amanda, making a beeline to untie Frannie.

In her anger she completely missed the perp that Fin was taking over to the holding cell from where he'd been in the interrogation room and she startled herself as she walked straight into him. Apologizing profusely, she didn't miss the sadistic smile on the mans face, and the way his eyes looked her up and down. Sensing her discomfort, Fin gave him a shove and muttered something to him under his breath.

Meredith stood there shaking until she felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see Amanda who was watching her with a worried look on her face. She hurried forward, swallowing a lump of panic as her hands fumbled with the dog lead. She stood and before she had the chance to do anything else, her mother pulled into a hug to which Meredith returned gently.

Fin appeared then, hanging up his phone from whoever he'd been talking to and Amanda turned to face him.

"Was that Barba?" She asked and he nodded, pocketing his phone.

"Said he could pull some strings, get a court hearing tomorrow for Lewis."

Amanda gave a nod. "Great, looks like we nailed this son of a bitch. Anyway I gotta go, take Mere home. So I'll see you in court tomorrow. Text me the details when you hear them, yeah?"

"He's a piece of work." Fin agreed before bidding the two of them goodbye.

"What'd he do?" Meredith asked curiously as they made their way toward the elevator.

"You don't want to know." Was all Amanda said and the sharp voice stopped Meredith from persisting, knowing it was obviously a bad one and that was that.

As they drove back to their apartment building, Meredith kept her eyes focused on the window as a light shower of rain came down. She followed the drops of rain on the window with her finger absentmindedly.

But the only thing she could think of was the man and the way he'd eyed her up with a sick smile on his face, like prey.

That sense of dread began to amplify as she repeated the encounter over and over in her head, until her hands were shaking and her mind was reeling.

**One time I read that if you're putting your character through something painful, that you shouldn't half ass it. You gotta give them something that even you don't think they'll come back through. Eeek, look out Meredith!**

**So you guys just wait for it, if you can't predict it already ha. What do ya'll think I'm gonna do to Meredith, eh? **

**Please feel free to**** leave your thoughts and any requests in a review. I love hearing them :)**

**Thank you so much for your continued support. Whoever's reading this - I love ya!**

**Liv **


	19. Chapter 19

**First off, massive apologies for not updating this for so long and massive thank you to the few reviewers who pushed me to update! Sorry for leaving ya'll hanging for this long. I really didn't mean to, I guess life just happened!?**

**For a while there I really hated Meredith and I didn't want to write... I also haven't watched SVU for a while... I was contemplating just deleting this story but have decided to continue with it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

Saturday morning came round quickly after last night's ordeal and the man from last night was long forgotten as Meredith woke, remembering that she was babysitting Zara that day. Nick had told her not to worry about it, but as usual Meredith had insisted and she now knew that it would be the best possible way to distract herself for the day.

Getting up in good spirits, Meredith grabbed a hoodie and threw it on, before hurrying out to the living room for a cup of coffee.

Pushing open her door, she was met with disappointment as she saw her mother moving about, getting her stuff organized. That was when she remembered Fin mentioning a court hearing and Meredith figured that's where she was going.

Even though she knew her mother was going to be working regardless, it was disheartening. It had been weeks since they'd had an enjoyable day to themselves. Meredith never complained though, they needed the money. They never talked about it, but Meredith simply knew from the way Amanda's expression changed every time she was passed the mail and came across another bill to pay.

"Mom?" She called, leaning against the door frame as Frannie noticed her and came over, tail wagging.

Before Amanda said anything, she noticed her daughters somewhat glum expression, and smiled before speaking. "Does someone need a hug?" As Meredith continued to look downward she moved forward to wrap her up in a hug and a moment later the teenager returned it, quietly grateful.

They stood in comfortable silence after, until Amanda went back to checking the time on her phone and Meredith knew she had to leave soon.

"You can go if you have to Mom, don't worry about me." Meredith murmured and Amanda gave a wry smile.

"When do I not worry about you?" She asked back and Meredith shrugged.

"I guess."

"Are you all set for today?" Amanda questioned with a smile as she pulled on her jacket, watching her daughter who gave a small nod before speaking.

"Yep, I'm sure I'll have fun with Zara." Amanda gave a laugh at that, before answering her phone as it rang.

Waiting awkwardly in silence, Meredith pulled her sleeves over her hands as she found them start to shake. In hopes of pulling herself together, she moved back into her room, sitting on the bed and pulling her knees up to her chest. She heard Amanda bid her goodbyes before hanging up and a moment later she was poking her head round the door.

"You sure you're okay? I can call Fin back and say something came up. Nick won't mind either, if you don't feel up to it..."

"Mom, shut up." Meredith cut off harshly causing Amanda to raise an eyebrow before moving through the doorway and shutting the door, knowing she wouldn't get any answers out of her daughter unless she showed her she meant business.

"Meredith." Was all she said before the teenager started snuffling as tears threatened to spill.

"Nick said he was dropping Zara off in half an hour, so I'll see you tonight I suppose." Meredith spoke slowly, ignoring Amanda's obvious attempt at trying to get her to explain herself.

"What really happened last night? You didn't just decide to walk the entire way over for no reason right?" Amanda pushed and noticing Meredith's shaking hands, made her way over to sit next to her on the bed.

"It's okay you know, having these feelings? I know you think that you have to lock it all away and be strong through this but you don't. No one expects you to just put on a brave face and get over this. You went through a _trauma._No one just gets over that in a blink of an eye, you have to let yourself feel every emotion that comes round the corner, it's your way of dealing with this and that's okay."

Meredith was simply speechless and continued to sit there staring into space as she took in what her mother had just said to her.

"Where did that even come from?" She spoke, ignoring the entire point.

"I don't know... Experience I guess..." Amanda drifted off and Meredith gave an understanding nod, assuming as she would that her mother meant experience from her job rather than what really had been.

"Oh right, well thanks I suppose."

Knowing that what she'd said hadn't quite resonated with her daughter she gave a small sigh before patting her daughter on the arm and standing.

As she went to leave the room Meredith stood and followed her back into the living room.

"I'm sorry. For all of this you know?" She said and Amanda turned to face her.

"I know Meredith, I know." She murmured and after a moments silence, Meredith knew she had to leave.

"I'll be fine. Nick will be here soon and I'll be fine." She gave a nod in reassurance, mostly to herself before moving forward to give her mom another hug.

"I'll see you tonight then." Meredith spoke, desperately trying to keep her voice from shaking.

"Love you." Amanda smiled as she left the apartment, leaving Meredith standing in the middle of the room, feeling very much alone with herself and her pain.

"It's okay, it'll all be okay." She whispered to herself before moving to sit on the arm of the couch, facing the door as she waited for Nick and Zara to arrive.

**xo**

The day had gone by quickly for both Zara and Meredith and the teenager had almost wished it wouldn't end. The simplicity in the fun they'd had managed to lift her spirits tremendously. Nick had seemed awkward on both dropping Zara off and Meredith taking her home.

The two had gone to the park for most of the morning and had then gone for ice cream and coffee when the weather had clouded over and Meredith couldn't remember the last time she'd had the opportunity to allow her childish side to flourish in the way it had done.

Having just dropped Zara off at Nick's apartment she was left with the fact she needed to take the subway home, something she hadn't done since the night she was attacked. Taking a deep breath as she reached the steps that led to the station she paused, hand on the side railing before taking the steps down into the station.

Standing at the wall as she waited for her train to come, she found herself watching the people bustle about in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of a blue haired girl, leaning against the same wall as her. She had headphones in and Meredith turned to look at her, recognizing her as the girl who'd almost knocked her down the other night.

Minutes later the girl cleared her throat, pulling her headphones out of her ears and giving a small smile. Gaining back Meredith's attention she finally spoke, in a calm voice, that in the moment reminded Meredith of Liv.

"Hey, you're the girl from last Friday aren't you?"

"Um yeah." Meredith responded quietly and the girl moved closer.

"Oh well I'm so sorry, for running into you, I really didn't mean to I was just in such a rush..." She trailed off and Meredith found a smile come onto her face.

"It's okay, it really wasn't the worst thing to happen to me." Feeling awkward at what she'd said, Meredith looked away, until the blue haired girl spoke again.

"I'm Bailey by the way, you?" She asked with another warm smile.

"Meredith, oh this is my train..." She replied as she noticed the train pull up and a mass of people move off of it.

"Me to!" Bailey grinned and Meredith forced herself to return it as the two made their way over to the open door. They were quick to find a seat and as the doors were shutting Bailey offered her a headphone. She took it glad for the distraction as the memories of last Friday began to drift through her mind.

As a Taylor Swift song began playing, Meredith felt her own phone buzz and hoping it wasn't bad news, she pulled it out to check the text from Amanda. Almost as she'd expected, it was an apology, saying the case had gone bad and that she was pulling an all night shift with Fin and Liv to try and nail the perp.

Of course, as always Meredith understood, even if she didn't feel like it was fair.

"Okay?" Bailey asked and Meredith gave a nod. What else was she meant to say?

She spent the remainder of the train ride lost in thought in what Jamie had planned for tomorrow and eventually a small smile returned to her face.

The two girls got off at the same stop and before Meredith had a chance to hurry off, Bailey asked for her number, saying they should meet up at some stage. They went their separate ways and Meredith dialed her mothers number as she left the station and hurried in the direction of their apartment.

Amanda picked up after a few rings, and instantly Meredith knew she was stressed it obviously being a bad day.

"Hey mom, I got your text, I suppose I'll see you in the morning then."

"Hey hun, sorry, I knew I promised I'd be home tonight but duty calls. You know the drill."

With a deflated sigh, Meredith replied before bidding her goodbye. Hanging up, she picked up a jog, the creeping darkness causing her nerves to worsen.

Arriving back to their apartment block she made her way up the stairs slowly, not really wanting to return to an empty apartment. Pushing her key into the lock she opened the door, slightly taken aback when Frannie didn't come running like she normally would. Shutting the door behind her, she threw her keys onto the table and called for the dog, a sense of unease overcoming her as she heard Frannie scratch at the door to the bathroom.

Rounding the corner to open it, she was pulled into a headlock faster than she had a chance to see what was happening. Before she could do anything, she felt the arm around her neck pull her close and the hot breath on her neck.

"Fuck." She muttered under her breath. She didn't think life could get much worse at this point, but boy was life about to teach her a lesson.

And this one she couldn't skip, she was kicked to the ground with no hope of getting out of it.

"Hello darling, I do believe we've met before..." The man murmured into the crook of her neck and Meredith let out a squeak as he pulled her hair, kneeing her in the back, forcing her to the ground

She felt him wrap her wrists together with duct tape and despite her struggling attempts, she couldn't get away.

He dragged her over to a chair then, and as he pushed her into it, she caught sight of him for the first time.

It was the man she'd run into at the precinct the night before. The one who'd caused such a bad day for the detectives.

"Olivia offended me greatly, but you were so much prettier." He spoke with a grin on his face and that's what scared her.

The man who'd raped her smelt like alcohol and desperation. This man smelt like pure evil and the spark in his eye was what caused her to start crying and at that point, she thought she'd never stop.

**So shits hit the fan at this point, so please let me know what you think, if you like or don't... **

**Thank you so much to you guys, this one's ultimately for you so I hope it was up to your expectations and please feel free to give me a kick up the bum if I slack off again! Totally not fair on you!**

**Please feel free to**** leave your thoughts and any requests in a review. I love hearing them :)**

**Liv x**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey guys, **

**Thanks so much for all your lovely reviews (and for not hating me too much for not updating!) **

**Realised**** today that I haven't updated for a while so got this written and hope you like it! It is a short chapter so will try update sooner rather than later!**

**Thanks for sticking with me all this time!**

**ALSO... I'm at 20 chapters!? How did that happen!? Thank YOU - whoever's reading this - you're part of the reason!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.**

**Enjoy and please review!**

Jamie gave an annoyed sigh as he picked up his cold coffee and dialled Meredith's number for the umpteenth time. She hadn't shown up and despite his best efforts he couldn't help but be angry at her for that. For not letting him know. He assumed something had come up, or perhaps she didn't share his feelings. But her actions had hurt his.

Staring out over the city, he watched the sun rise and for once the beauty in it wasn't any more than a memory.

After a while, he threw his cup in the rubbish and made his way back down the stairs, a heaviness dawning upon him. The barista offered him a sad smile as he entered the main café area and all Jamie could do was shrug back. What could he really say?

Leaving, he got into his car and turned the heat up, letting it idle in it's park he pulled his phone out. Firstly he dialled Meredith's apartment phone, which like her cell, went unanswered. Then, thinking that something may have happened to her, he scrolled through his contacts to find her mothers phone number. It was only in there from the time Meredith's phone had been acting up and she'd entered it in his as a precaution. For that he was glad and he took a deep breath before hitting the call button.

Amanda answered reasonably quickly and at her tired voice Jamie regretted calling, obviously having catching the detective at a bad time.

"Detective Rollins? It's Jamie here."

"Oh Jamie, now's not really a good time. Did Meredith need something?" She asked and Jamie bit his lip, suddenly not knowing what to say. Amanda obviously didn't have a clue where her daughter was, or why she'd stood him up.

"No, no. She just wanted to know if you were still at work."

"Tell her I'll be home when I can." She paused before continuing, "why didn't she call me herself?"

A the boys silence she cleared her throat, "Jamie?"

"I don't know. She didn't turn up for our date and she won't answer my calls." He said in a nervous tone

"Thanks Jamie." Speaking shortly, she hung up and Jamie threw his phone to the passenger seat, knowing he couldn't do much else.

**xo**

Amanda felt a bout of panic come over as she called their apartment. Meredith normally always answered her phone, and if she missed a call she'd call back almost instantly.

Having no reply, as Jamie had said her hand fumbled over the numbers as she dialled Meredith's cell phone.

The dread she felt worsened with each ring and as it continued, she found herself pacing, gaining the attention of Nick, Fin and Liv.

"I was wondering when you would ring." A voice on the other end picked up and as her call went through, she breathed a sigh of relief, only to find that relief was the last thing she'd be feeling.

The man on the other end gave a laugh and she recognised it. The man, Lewis from the other day, who'd managed to get off the charges and walked out of court a free man. He'd laughed exactly like that.

Finally finding her voice she spoke. "What did you do with her?" She sensed the others stand at that, and Nick was the first on at her side.

"I'm sure she would love to tell you. She wasn't looking too flash when I left her though. I'd imagine you can hold your alcohol much better then her."

Before she could say anything he hung up with one last laugh. Trying not to let herself fall into a state of shock, she dropped her phone on her desk and grabbed her gun. The others began to follow suit and she felt her hands shake as Nick placed a hand on her shoulder and as she turned to face him she felt her eyes water.

"Lewis." Was all she got out and she heard Fin curse.

She heard Liv offer to drive, and the four hurried out of the building, taking the stairs two at a time. Sitting in the back seat, Amanda felt herself leaning into Nick, who took her hand.

Liv turned the sirens on as they neared a red light and after what felt like an eternity they pulled up outside their apartment building.

Hardly waiting for the car to stop, Amanda made a mad dash toward the door, feeling Nick at her back. Knowing not to wait for the elevator, she yanked open the door to the stairs and hurried up them, eventually making it to their floor.

Running down the hall, she paused for a moment outside their apartment door and locked eyes with Nick as Liv and Fin appeared. Pushing the door open quietly, Nick hurried inside after Amanda who instantly began calling out for her daughter.

The apartment was a mess, with no signs of a struggle, Amanda knew that her daughter had been caught of guard. There was one of their dining chairs upturned on the floor, ripped duct tape hanging off of it. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of a few nearly empty bottles of liqueur, and the sound of Frannie scratching at one of the doors brought her back to reality.

Feeling sick to her stomach at the sight, she hurried toward the bathroom where Frannie's whines were coming from and opened the door. The dog was overjoyed to see her, not understanding the horror of the situation.

Quickly backing out of the room, she made a bee line for Meredith's bedroom, assuming that was where she was left. It was when she went to open the door that she found it was jammed. It wasn't often that she kicked down doors, but this time she wasted no time and the sight she came across on the other side brought her to her knees, tears in her eyes.

Her daughters lifeless body merely feet from where she was.

"Meredith?" Amanda murmured desperately, moving forward to check her pulse, feeling the other detective standing in the doorway as she did so.

Meredith didn't flinch when she moved a hand to touch her shoulder and that was when the tears began to overflow and not even the presence of her colleagues, of her family could stop them.

Nothing mattered more than her daughter, and Amanda didn't know what she'd do if she were to lose her to.

**Cliffhanger!**

**Is Meredith even alive!?**

**Will try update soon...**

**Also, in this case. Lewis took Meredith hostage rather than Liv - If you haven't figured that out yet :) **

**Not sure how much longer this will go on for so if you have any requests... Let me know! **

**Leave your thoughts in a review please!**

**Liv x**


	21. Chapter 21

**Sorry! After promising to update ASAP, I didn't obviously, terribly sorry for that! **

**I know I left it on a horrible cliff hanger too so apologies! **

**I am now on a 3 or 4 week break from Uni so have all the time in the world to write.**

**Thank you all so much for your continued support and reviews**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.**

**Please leave a review at the end!**

**Enjoy**

Minutes went by in a flash, as an ambulance was called and tears were shed. Amanda had always known her daughter was a fighter, and this case she had pulled through with a weak pulse and many battle wounds.

Eventually, paramedics came rushing in and set about checking Meredith who was still out cold.

It was better that way.

Amanda couldn't help but blame herself. If only she'd come home. If only she'd called, checked on her daughter. She knew she couldn't change that, but god it killed her.

The thought that she'd ultimately taken Meredith for granted haunted her mind as she watched helplessly.

She felt a hand rest on her shoulder and she lifted her head to see Liv who gave her a sad smile.

As the paramedics lifted Meredith onto the gurney, Amanda moved forward, blinking back tears.

In the state she was in, her daughter looked seemingly peaceful and Amanda only hoped she was in such a place.

**x**

The ride to the hospital was quiet, with the only noise being the blaring sirens and the occasional mutter of the woman charting Meredith's vitals.

It wasn't good obviously, what he'd done with her and Amanda found herself dreading the moment her daughter would wake up and have to face all this. They could only learn so much from her injuries without her telling the story and Amanda kept her shaking hands clasped together as she tried not to think about it.

How the hell were they meant to survive this, how was it fair?

As soon as they arrived at Mercy General hospital Meredith was wheeled inside, met with a team of doctors who assessed her injuries, reeling off each prominent one as if it were nothing.

Struggling to contain her composure, Amanda spun round, desperately searching for any sight of any of her co workers. She instead, was met with a nurse, who had red hair and looked about her age.

"Can I get you a coffee?" She asked and Amanda just about laughed.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She yelled, all efforts to contain herself leaving her mind. The nurse stepped back and Amanda went to yell again before she was met with a hand on her shoulder, holding her in place.

"No I don't want a coffee." She sniffed, with an apologetic smile. The nurse gave a quick nod before scurrying away back to the safety of her desk.

She turned to face Nick, and promptly broke down into tears.

"I can't lose her, I can't." She murmured into his shoulder and he rubbed her back.

"I know 'Manda, but she'll pull through, it'll be okay."

Without giving any thought to what he'd said, Amanda glanced up and over to where the doctors had been with Meredith.

They were no longer there and she cursed, in her moment with the nurse she'd lost her.

"Shit." She breathed, before hurrying in the direction of one of the trauma rooms, peering in the window to find it empty. Moving to the next one, she finally caught sight of the paramedic who'd been in the ambulance with them.

Without giving it much thought, she moved to the door, shoving it open and stepping into the room.

"Meredith." She barely whispered as she saw a glimpse of her daughters bleeding face.

"Ma'am you can't be in here." A surgeon in scrubs looked up and said in a grim voice.

"Just, is she okay."

"We have to take her up to the OR. One of us will come down and update you when we know what's going on. I suggest you take a seat in the waiting room."

Amanda couldn't speak and she didn't want to think. All she wanted to do in the current moment was have a drink, or several. But she couldn't. Her daughter needed her to be strong and that's what she'd do. Put up her walls, put on a brave face and wait it out.

She was moved to the side as they wheeled her daughter back out of the room and toward the elevator. Her daughter's eyelids were fluttering as she passed and Amanda was stopped from jumping forward to catch hold of her hand. Soon she was left standing alone in the room and after a moment, she numbly moved back out to where Nick was standing.

**X**

The next few hours were agony and Amanda hadn't stopped pacing for a moment, even when the rest of the team had shown up. Nothing they'd tried to say had gotten through to her and eventually they'd stopped trying. Nick however, hadn't taken his eyes off her, watching her sadly.

A scrub nurse had come out after an hour of them taking Meredith and had explained that they were trying to control some internal bleeding, as well as taking care of the multitude of cuts and burns that littered her skin. She finished by saying that she thought her daughter was lucky, considering the state of her injuries.

Amanda didn't think she was lucky at all. There was no point saying anything though, it wouldn't help anyone.

The need to cry and scream was welling up inside her and she was nearly at breaking point when Nick stepped forward and blocked her path.

"Stop, Amanda." He said softly and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Get out of the way." She growled back, fighting the urge to simply fall into his arms, and the thought was comforting.

"Amanda." He repeated, his voice dripping in love and concern and after a moment, she simply sat down, right there in the middle of the floor. He sank with her, ignoring the stares of the others.

"If only I…" She started before he cut her off.

"You can't do that to yourself." She gave a shaky sigh before nodding.

It was then that the same nurse appeared in the door way and Amanda only noticed her when the others stood from their seats and she did so. Stepping forward toward her, light headed.

"Meredith's out of surgery and has been transferred to the ICU. The surgeon's managed to stop the bleeding. She lost a lot of blood thought and she's still out of it, but should wake up soon if you want me to take you to her."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Amanda hadn't really heard what she'd said but gave a nod. "Thank you."

The nurse gave a smile and Amanda almost hugged her, until she spoke again. "She really is lucky. It could have been a lot worse."

"Lucky? How is my daughter lucky? Is this not worse enough? She almost died, and you call her lucky?" The anger she'd felt minutes ago was back and there was no stopping herself now.

It was Liv that did so however, and brought her back to her senses.

"Go be with your daughter, Amanda. That's all that matters, yeah?" She patted her shoulder and waited till the blonde detective acknowledged her before stepping back and waiting as the now nervous looking nurse led her away from them

**x**

It was nearly empty in the ICU and Meredith was in a corner by herself when they arrived. The dark haired nurse left quickly once Amanda had settled in a seat next to the bed.

Taking care of the wires and tubes sticking out of her daughter, she took a soft hold of her daughter's hand. She sat in silence for a while, the only noise the steady beep of Meredith's heartbeat.

She was alive. Lucky even. Lucky.

Fucking stupid really.

"God I'm sorry Mere. I'm so sorry." She had no idea what to say, nothing she could think of seemed right, worthy enough.

It was 40 minutes or so later when Meredith's finger twitched and Amanda's head shot up from where she'd been resting it. Noticing her eyes scrunch up, she stood and pressed the emergency button for the nurse.

"Mere, baby. It's okay, you're okay." She murmured in hopes of comforting her.

Without opening her eyes, Meredith squeezed her hand and mumbled something that sounded like "I love you".

Before Amanda could say anything back, a nurse was at the bedside, checking the heart monitor and talking to Amanda, mentioning something about her blood pressure still being low.

"I'll give her something for the pain and her surgeon will come by shortly to check on her."

Amanda nodded and gave a grateful smile. It quickly fell when she left and Meredith opened her eyes. There was something different about her and Amanda knew that would never leave her.

Her daughter didn't speak and that's what scared Amanda the most, she didn't say anything and she had an empty look to her, like she wasn't even there.

The surgeon who introduced himself as Dr. Taylor checked her vitals as the nurse had done and then asked Meredith a few questions, or tried to anyway.

"Are you in any pain?", "What day is it?". "Can you tell me your name?", " I need to check your surgical wound".

That was when she finally made a noise and it was god awful scream that shook Amanda to her core as Dr. Taylor moved the blanket in order to check the angry looking sight of her stomach.

He backed off quickly and even so, she didn't stop and crying, Amanda tried to comfort her. But this time, even her own mother couldn't do so and through tears and screams, Meredith pushed her away, and scrambled backward into a huddled ball at the edge of her bed.

"I'll need to sedate her. She'll end up ripping her stitches." Dr. Taylor spoke gravely, and sighed, realising he was perhaps fighting a losing battle.

As he rounded the bed and went to get near her, Meredith didn't want to know about it and clawed and kicked out, even when more doctors and nurses ran over and Amanda was pushed out of the away as the crowded round her.

Crying and absolutely helpless, Amanda watched as one of them expertly grabbed at her leg when she kicked and after a moment they were holding her screaming daughter down, and Dr. Taylor quickly jabbed her with the needle he was holding.

Eventually they released her from their hold and they all moved back. Dr. Taylor looked at Amanda and guided her back to the seat before pulling one up for himself.

"Well it looks like her emotional damage is far worse than her physical. I'll page psych for a consult as soon as possible. This isn't going to be an easy fix."

Insensitive bastard. Did he know he was talking about her daughter? Or did he just not care?

Either way Amanda knew what he said was true. This time it was a completely different story and at this point Amanda didn't have a clue on what to do. That terrified her and she looked at her daughter, who now sedated was simply staring at the ceiling, numb and completely broken.

It was now, that Amanda really needed a drink.

But what she needed even more than that, was her daughter.

**Okay guys, hope you liked it! Of course I could never kill Meredith! But yeah, it's a long road to recovery for both of them now.**

**I have a question for you guys - How much longer do you want me to make this? I have a new found inspiration to write it, but don't want to write stuff you don't want to read...**

**Also hit me up with any requests that I'll try fit in :)**

**Let me know in a review!**

**Thanks,  
**

**Liv**


	22. Chapter 22

**Two uploads in one week? What's wrong with me? **

**Hit with inspiration, thank gosh... **

**Wrote this last night and now feel it's running out of steam...**

**Also you guys wanted to see some Rollaro action yeah? Stay tuned, or keep reading (;**

**Oh, sorry for not mentioning some rated language in the previous chapter! There's a bit more in this one...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.**

**Yo, drop a review when you're done**

**Enjoy**

The next few days were the toughest Amanda thought she'd ever been through and they weren't hours or days she wanted to relive, or even re think.

Meredith had been taken off the sedative and she still remained unresponsive. That meant more annoyed words from Dr. Taylor but Amanda didn't blame her, and at least it meant no screaming and fighting. Her daughter was still yet to have a nightmare or anything of the like but Amanda didn't even really know if she'd been sleeping. She'd managed to sleep for a few hours over the past couple of days but every time she woke she felt as if she had abandoned her again. No matter what the blonde detective could think of to say, at that point of time it didn't seem to get through to Meredith and it was beginning to take its tole on Amanda.

Monday evening, they moved Meredith to a private room and a nurse helped Amanda set up one of the portable cots they had when she told her she wasn't going to be leaving her side.

Her daughter still hadn't eaten, or spoken and when it came to Tuesday, Dr. Taylor returned with a grim smile and his usual insensitive sounding manner.

"She said anything yet?" He asked, checking her chart.

"No, not yet, but she will." Amanda replied, as her phone buzzed with an incoming text from Nick.

"If she keeps up the no eating gig, we may have to tube her. She is not going to get better this way."

"I don't think she chose this, you know?" Amanda snapped and she heard Meredith stir.

"I'll come by tomorrow." He stood dismissilvely and held his hand out to shake. She did so and breathed a sigh of relief when he left

Amanda leant forward in her seat, to take her daughter's hand.

Meredith let her for a moment, before pulling away and turning over, staring at the wall.

She wasn't hungry and she certainly wasn't thirsty. What the doctor was saying was rubbish and it made her want to yell, scream. The act of what had happened the previous day with the crowd of doctors had terrified her and she didn't want to go through that again.

Well really she didn't want to go through any of it again. That was an entirely different story however.

She'd made herself promise to herself to not let anyone in, like last time. Everyone fussed and worried and she didn't want that. She was fine, she would be fine and they'd move on. No dwelling on feelings and no tears.

There was no time for talking, and no time for crying. That didn't solve anything.

For the last few hours Meredith had been ignoring the nagging feeling in her lungs. The way it hurt to breathe and she was okay with that. The stabbing feeling in her chest reminded her that she was still alive and not, trapped, in that apartment praying for death.

She'd begged and cried through the duct tape, and she didn't think she could admit that to anyone. That he'd stripped her branded her with keys, and forced vodka down her throat. How he'd dragged her into her room and forced himself onto her, with her begging and screaming.

Meredith didn't want to talk about it, and she didn't want to think about, but she figured she could live with that.

She heard her mother sigh and knew she'd be holding back tears, again.

Amanda was, and this time she was avoiding them by pulling her phone out and checking the few messages she had. One was from Fin, asking if Mere was okay and saying that Cragen told her to have as much time as she needed, as they needed.

The other was from Nick and that was the one that brought a smile to her face. The light in the darkness, or some cliché crap like that, the kind Amanda hated, was Nick.

He started by filling her in on the case briefly before moving on to ask if they were up for visitors.

Amanda knew that a group of people would either be the best or worst thing for Meredith.

"Nick said the team wants to come visit later. You okay with that?" Amanda asked, and as expected she received no answer but noticed her daughter's shoulder's tense up. Maybe they weren't ready for a group of people just yet.

She entered her password back into her phone, which was now showing that it was on 20% battery and with another sigh she began replying to Nick.

_Don't think she's up for you all yet. Maybe tomorrow _

_ \- Amanda_

Nick replied within the minute and that brought another small smile to Amanda's face.

_How about just me then?_

_ \- Nick_

Giving a smirk, and another glance at Meredith she typed in her response.

_Sounds great, visiting hours start at 2_

_ \- Amanda_

She looked at the time and sighed, only another few hours of silence to wait. Amanda then figured she'd have another go at talking to Meredith, knowing it was the hospital's lunch time and Dr. Taylor was well unimpressed by her daughter's inability to eat.

"You know I'm not gonna leave you. I know I wasn't there to stop him, to save you like I shoulda' done, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. Even if you yell and scream at me. Your worst isn't gonna send me running Meredith."

Meredith gave a sniffle and from her place facing the wall she shut her eyes, tightly. If it weren't for the slowed breaths she was taking she would have sat up and potentially started bawling.

Instead, she rolled over, wincing as she rubbed one of the burns on her arms.

"S'okay." She mumbled to her mother who was watching her every move.

"Just catch him." Meredith then added and after a pause for breath she narrowed her eyes.

"I, want to kill, him. Man, if I got the chance…" She spoke slowly and trailed off with a wistful look and Amanda's stomach tightened. She hoped Meredith's words were simply fuelled by anger and despite what she'd said Amanda could definitely relate.

Secretly, she was glad she'd been thrown off the case. If she got her hands on him first, he wouldn't even make it to the car, let alone a jail cell.

A nurse knocked on the door lightly then and Meredith flinched, before sinking back into her pillow, and into her silence. At the sight of the dreaded food tray she hid an eye roll. Not only did the food suck, she just couldn't bring herself to eat.

The nurse who had her hair tied in a tight bun offered her a smile and placed the tray, on the table beside the bed before telling her what it was.

Soup, a sandwich and a jello cup. Great.

Meredith sighed and shook her head. She could have forced herself to try the jello cup but today it just didn't appeal. None of it did.

The nurse gave a frustrated sigh and Meredith noticed her give a desperate look toward Amanda.

"Meredith, please try eat something." Her mother tried and the teenager watched as the nurse was paged and hurried off back out the door. Probably glad to be leaving them.

"I'm not hungry." Meredith muttered, shutting her eyes. He was looking at her and took a swig from his bottle before stepping toward her, a small grin on his face, his eyes as thirsty as he raised an eyebrow at her.

She inhaled and her eyes opened again. That was a way of avoiding her mother's stare but he wouldn't leave. Whenever her eyes shut, he was there, waiting.

"Even so." Her mother sighed and Meredith could sense the lingering dissapointment in her voice. Why couldn't she just understand that the teenager just wasn't hungry?

"Just fucking leave it." Meredith snapped and Amanda held her hands up in defeat, trying to ignore her frustration. Her daughter needed to eat, but she wasn't going to force feed her.

Her mind drifted back to Nick who had been great. When Amanda was told she was off the case, to which she didn't argue with at all, Nick had kept her up to date on the investigation as much as he could. Of course there were things she didn't want to hear. But it helped a little, knowing they were inching closer to catching the bastard.

**X**

It was nearly 3 when there was another knock on the door and Amanda glanced up. She knew it was Nick, and stood, making her way toward the door with a backward glance at her daughter, who was lying on her back.

"Hey." She breathed, opening the door and leaning against the frame.

"Hey yourself." He gave a smile, the smile she missed before continuing.

"How's she holding up?" At the shake of her head, the smile disappeared.

"Not good. She won't talk to me, or anyone. The doctor was talking to me about a feeding tube earlier, if she won't eat by herself. This whole thing's just a bloody nightmare really."

"A nightmare. " The two heard Meredith mutter angrily from inside the room and Amanda closed her eye for a moment, only opening them when she felt Nick touch her check softly.

"Maybe she'd talk to Liv." He suggested, dropping his hand back to his side, avoiding the matter of his touch. At Amanda's hurt expression he shook his head. "You know, a third person. She probably just doesn't want to hurt you with the details."

"Yeah, maybe." Amanda drifted, not thinking Nick's idea had any potential of working. It wasn't the person who was the issue. It was the simple act of talking that was.

"See how it goes yeah." He mumbled and she shrugged before looking up at him.

"You wanna' come in and sit for a bit?" Amanda asked and he raised an eyebrow as if to ask if Meredith would really be alright with it. The blonde detective ignored it and moved back inside to her place next to the bed.

Nick looked awkward as he pulled up a seat next to her and it wasn't long before he spoke, saying that he should get back to the station.

With a small nod, Amanda walked him out. Stopping outside the door, closing it so they could talk.

"Shit, she looks so tiny in there." He said quickly, and Amanda knew it was worse then he'd previously thought.

"Yeah she's lost a bit of weight, has everyone here worried."

Nick offered a hug at the sad tone of her voice and she accepted, allowing herself the moment of comfort as he wrapped her up in his arms, tightly.

They stayed like that for a while, in an unmoving embrace.

Amanda's mind was a mess. He'd confirmed what she'd been thinking about Meredith. She did look tiny and that gave Amanda the feeling that she was giving up. Not wanting to fight. She was giving up and in turn, her body was giving up on her.

She felt tears well up and spill over and in her moment of weakness, she moved from her position, and placed a kiss on Nick's lips. He seemed surprised but kissed her back as her passion intensified.

Eventually the two came up for air and both stared at each other before looking away.

"She'll get through this, she's a fighter." Nick whispered and Amanda shook her head.

"She's not fighting, that's the problem."

Knowing he had to go, he placed another kiss on Amanda's lips before the two said their goodbyes and she was left standing alone in the hallway.

_Her daughter was a fighter. She always had been. Now it was up to Amanda to get her to do so. _

If only it were that easy.

At that moment, she heard something hit the floor in her daughter's room with a thud and with a wave of panic she stumbled through the door.

Simply seeing a bottle of water on the floor, she thought it had been knocked of the bed side table. Until her gaze moved from the floor to her daughter's bed and she saw Meredith, clutching her chest and struggling to breathe.

"Shit Meredith." Amanda said before yelling for help and hurrying to her daughter's side.

After an agonising moment, a doctor ran through into the room and as soon as he took in Meredith's state, he pulled an oxygen mask out and the teenager didn't fight him as he placed it over her mouth and nose.

She relaxed slightly, but the pain didn't leave her eyes and her hand didn't move from her chest.

The doctor faced Amanda from where he was studying both her chart and heart monitor.

His grave expression gave Amanda the chills and she hung on his every word as he began to speak, shortly. He didn't have to say much for the seriousness of the matter to sink in.

"Looks like Bradycardia. Her heart's beginning to struggle. She really is killing herself now."

**I didn't really know where to go so I went there.**

**Now it's your turn to steer the ship!**

**What do you want to see in the next chapter? **

**Now taking some more specific requests...!**

**Meredith go home? Meredith nearly die? (Been there done that, eh?), Rollaro? Was that Rollaro?**

**Lemme know in a review**

**I won't update until I have some ideas so get to it!**

**You guys rock**

**Thanks,**

**Liv x**


	23. Chapter 23

**Hey guys, I'm back again!**

**Thank you guys so much for your reviews and suggestions! I've taken them on board and am fitting them in!**

**Your on going request for more Rollaro hasn't gone amiss either...!**

**Oh and so sorry to my last guest reviewer! Your idea was fantastic, but I'd already written this when I saw it! Will still try and work it in so keep an eye out for the next chapter or so!**

**Whether you're a new reader or an old, you rock!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work**

**Keep reading!**

**Enjoy **

Five more days passed and Amanda was finally beginning to believe that her daughter was on the road to recovery. The idea of her heart had failed her and after requesting another doctor who had kindly walked the two of them through a recovery plan Meredith had really started trying.

She didn't talk about what had happened, so to speak but she would chat about other things. Jamie came up a few times and Meredith had even mentioned him coming to visit when they went home.

The team had been to see them and Meredith had seemed much more like herself. There were the occasional moments where she'd space out and have to shake herself back to reality, each time with a haunted look passing her eyes.

The doctor, who'd convinced them to call her 'Sarah' walked in then with a small smile.

"Your vitals are looking great and the nurse told me your injuries were all healing up nicely this morning. We can get you discharged tomorrow morning at this rate."

She pulled up a seat as she spoke and Meredith gave a small smile at the thought of home.

"Thank you, Sarah." Amanda gave a nod and the young doctor gave a wave of her hand.

"My pleasure. Just glad to see you getting better, yeah?" She asked Meredith who nodded before speaking.

"I'm glad too. I'll be even happier to get out of this place, no offence."

Sarah laughed warmly. "None taken. Anyway it's nearly time for visitors and I can only guess that your family will be here to see you so I'll leave you be."

She stood and with a final smile and wave, left the room.

"Can you open the window?" Meredith asked quietly after a moment of silence and with a look of surprise, Amanda did so. Pulling up the blinds before cracking the window open slightly. She was even more surprised at the fact they opened, but she too, was glad for the fresh air.

**x**

Liv and Nick showed up at 2.30 as usual and they welcomed them into the room, Meredith sitting up drawing, something she'd taken to in the last few days.

She put down the pencil she was using with a smile. "Hey guys." She still spoke quietly, but everyone had noted a change in her and were happy to see it.

"What are you drawing?" Nick asked her with a smile of his own and Meredith missed the longing look Amanda gave him when he spoke. Liv however, noted it. She was glad though, Amanda would need someone as much as Meredith needed her. Nick seemed the perfect fit.

Meredith shrugged, modest about her art. "Just a doodle." She gave a dismissive laugh and Nick stepped forward to look.

"That's really good Mere." He said with a smile and the other two moved forward to look at the drawing as Meredith went red.

The picture was really good however, and Meredith had quite the skill when it came to pencil and paper. The drawing of a horse was perfectly balanced and shaded in all the right spots. It's muscles defined and its eye, kind.

"Thanks guys." She mumbled and they all stood back and found themselves seats, sensing her discomfort.

Nick took his seat next to Amanda and Liv, next to the bed.

"I get discharged tomorrow." Meredith piped up and they all smiled.

"Have you been back to your apartment yet?" Liv questioned Amanda and Meredith instantly knew what she was aiming the question towards.

Their place would be a mess. Her mother hadn't left her side and at that exact moment she realised that their home suddenly didn't feel so homely anymore.

"We can't go back there?" Meredith butted in, eyes wide and it wasn't Amanda who spoke next, but Nick.

"You can stay with me if you want." After a pause and seeing everyone's eyebrows raise he quickly added, "I mean I have enough space…"

Liv wasn't the only one to notice the look Amanda gave Nick then and Meredith burst out laughing when she heard it, making them all jump.

Amanda nearly started crying at the sound of her daughter laughing as it was something she hadn't heard for so long.

Liv and Nick stayed for a good half an hour and Meredith spent a lot of the time chatting away with a small smile on her face.

As they were getting ready to leave, Amanda left Liv with Meredith for a moment whilst she spoke to Nick, about his offer.

"Are you really sure?" She checked for the uptempth time.

"Of course. The more I get to see you the better." He joked and she playfully swung a fist at his arm.

"Well that's settled then." She said softly before continuing. "She's outta here in the mornin'. I probably need a ride, or we can catch a cab."

"I'll pick you up." He spoke quickly and the two exchanged a smile.

Amanda couldn't wait to leave the hospital the next day. The week had dragged on and her back was killing her from the small amount of sleep she'd gotten on the portable cot.

She knew they were closing in on Lewis, beginning to back him into a corner but she wanted to be there when he was trapped with no where to go.

She'd shoot him, if she had the choice. A straight bullet to his head. Then maybe it would be over but she also knew that wouldn't solve anything. The man may be dead, but the memory of what he'd done to her daughter would never leave Meredith. Amanda knew she'd have to sit the whole thing out and she was glad for that. This time she wasn't leaving her daughter.

**x**

Meredith had gone quiet when Amanda and Nick had left the room and in her silence, her mind jumped to a particular thought.

"You haven't taken my statement. I haven't told you what happened. Don't you need to know?" She asked the questions worriedly and Liv gave a kind smile.

"I figured it could wait a little. Until you're ready. He won't be getting out of this one."

"I want to do it today. Before I leave here. I want to leave all these bad memories behind. So I can move on, you know?"

Liv nodded, understanding Meredith perfectly. It was going to be difficult for the both of them. Meredith simply telling her story and Liv having to hear it.

The two younger detectives re entered the room then, both looking rather sheepish and Liv raised an eyebrow at them, thinking they may have done a bit more then talking out in the hallway.

"I'm giving my statement now Mom." Meredith spoke up and Amanda looked to Liv who shrugged.

"Oh. Do you want me to stay?" She asked awkwardly and Meredith instantly shook her head. Amanda understood, it hurt a little but she could live with that.

"C'mon I'll buy you a coffee." Nick offered and Amanda gave him a smile before giving Meredith a supportive hug. The two left then, leaving Liv and Meredith in silence once again.

Liv pulled out her phone, using it as a recording device and set it on the table beside her. She didn't start recording straight away but took one of the teenagers hands.

"Take it slow, and you tell me if you need to stop, okay?" She made sure Meredith understood she could take as long as she needed before they started.

The blonde took a deep breath and not letting go of Liv's hand she began talking, the memories becoming more vivid in her mind as she recalled them.

"I got back home from baby sitting Zara, for Nick and Frannie didn't come greet me, which was weird and I heard her barking from the bathroom. The door was shut, and I didn't even get to it before he appeared. He was waiting for me. He had a gun and had this stupid smile on his face. It didn't leave him the entire time, not when he was drinking, or burning me, or burning himself…"

She trailed off with a small inhale before continuing. She made it through the whole thing rather quickly and as she went on, Liv noticed how gradually numb she became.

The words were just facts and Meredith felt nothing, not even when she got to the part of when he dragged her into her bedroom.

The details got more vague as she continued but Liv didn't stop her and she didn't interupt, knowing that telling her statement was a huge step for her.

When she'd finished, Liv asked her a few questions before turning off the recovering and moving forward to give the teenager a hug, who accepted it with a smile and a huge sigh.

"Thank god that's over." She said simply.

"I'm proud of you kid, you know that?" Liv sat on the edge of the bed and Meredith gave another smile and a shrug.

"I survived it I suppose, that's the main thing. The next part should be a breeze."

"Yeah, you survived and you've got all of us here behind you for the recovery."

"Thanks Liv. I'm just ready to leave this stupid hospital to be honest." She gave a laugh and this time her smile met her eyes.

The two lovebirds knocked on the door then before entering and Liv stood.

Sarah was with the two and was carrying a folder in her hand that Meredith raised her eyebrow at.

"You are free to go, my dear." She told Meredith and Amanda gave her a smile.

Meredith noticed that her and Nick were holding hands. Could they be any more obvious? The smile on Liv's face told her that she'd noticed too.

Liv was called back to the station then on a lead and she gave Meredith another hug before leaving.

The process of leaving wasn't as quick as Meredith had hoped, as Sarah removed her IV and heart monitors, turning of the machines when she'd detattched them. She passed Meredith a pair of scrubs then and her and Nick left the room to allow her to get changed, with the help of Amanda, should she need it.

Meredith refused the wheelchair when Sarah brought it back in and her legs felt weak as she made the walk down the hallway, Amanda next to her and Nick behind her, incase she fell.

**x**

The car ride to Nick's apartment was silent and Meredith couldn't bring herself to even look out the window, and busied herself with drawing patterns on her leg with her finger in a childish manner. She was exhausted by the time they reached their destination, and was glad when they finally entered through the door and Meredith quickly headed for the couch, despite her wanting a proper shower.

Amanda set one of her bags on the ground next to the couch and despite being so tired, Meredith pulled out her sketch book and pencil, drawing soft lines of a new picture. It was of another horse, and Meredith had found she loved drawing them. She was so immersed in her drawing that she almost missed hearing Amanda.

"Will you be okay here with Nick if I go pick up some stuff from our apartment?" It was a moment before Meredith processed what she'd said and the teenager gave a small nod.

"I'll be fine." She looked up at her mother before turning back to her paper and as she heard Amanda leave the apartment, Nick sat next to her on the couch. He didn't say anything and it left them in a comfortable silence, him simply watching her sketch out the outline of her horse.

She spoke up then as she drew. "I didn't want to leave Atlanta ya know? It was home and I hated mom for it. But now, after all this shit, I'm glad we moved here. Because if we hadn't? Mom would never have met you and you're the best thing that's happened to her since Dad."

Nick had no idea what to say to that, nothing could beat what Meredith had just said, so he didn't. Meredith gave a smile at his silence.

He didn't have to back himself up, he just knew.

Maybe they did have a shot at a real family after all.

Something good had to come from all this didn't it? And maybe this was that silver lining.

**You asked for it and you got it!?**

**I like to think of them as a little family, but the healing process is far from over for Meredith! Will add a scene with Mere and Amanda in the next chapter inspired by one of your ideas...**

**Also, quick query - Do any of you watch Chicago PD? Was thinking of throwing a couple of those characters in there. Either with them going to Chicago or them coming to NY! **

**Let me know, and of course any other things you want to see! Within reason I'll try my best to get everything in there.**

**Ooo maybe I'll have Mere buy a guitar and start strumming? Music is a great healer! Yes/No?**

**I'm happy to keep writing if ya'll keep reading and reviewing!**

**Thanks!**

**Liv x**


	24. Chapter 24

**Back again,**

**I found this chapter a little harder to write, hence why it's a bit shorter but still hope you enjoy it!**

**Have the next 3/4 chapters planned out at this stage so still more to come.**

**Thanks to all my reviewers, you make this 101% worth it :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.**

**Enjoy**

Drawing took up most of Meredith's time and at that point she was perfectly okay with that. As she'd become more skilled, she'd become more of a perfectionist. If something was out of place by less than a millimetre, she was inclined to scrap the work and start again.

Even though she knew she shouldn't, Meredith had spent every night in her mother's bed, wrapped up in a protective embrace.

It was a Wednesday night when the teenager decided it was best for her to stay in her own bed, or try to anyway.

She hadn't even been into the guest room Nick had made up for her yet, and leaving Amanda and Nick in the living room, she moved down the hall to investigate.

It had cream coloured walls and a bed against the wall in the corner. It was small, but snug and despite it lacking her homely touches, Meredith didn't mind it. She gave a small smile before walking over and sitting on the bed, running her hand over the fluffy blanket that was folded neatly on it.

She sat there for a while, leaning against the wall with her eyes shut, thinking. Her mind wasn't so focused on Lewis anymore. What he'd done to her was something she didn't want to remember, so she'd done her best to banish it from her memory. It had worked slightly and she was still yet to have a nightmare, Meredith knew it probably wasn't the most beneficial stratergy in terms of her healing process but she was over it.

Opening her eyes, a wardrobe caught her interest and she moved over to it, pulling it open, expecting nothing. Inside however, was a guitar case, and with a quirked eyebrow she pulled it out carefully, brushing a small spider off the side.

Laying it on the carpet, she tugged the zip open and pulled out the instrument that was inside. Meredith used to play from time to time when they lived in Atlanta as her father's mother had taught her. It had taken her a while to pick it up, but when she had, it had given her a feeling that was unexplainable. There was something magical about music it, even the act of listening to it, but being able to play, create it yourself? That was something else entirely.

Meredith moved into a cross legged position and pulled it into her arms, her fingers automatically moving into place on the fret board. She thought for a moment before a song came to mind and she began picking at the strings. She was never much of a singer, even though everyone had always complimented her pretty voice. Tonight was one of those nights that she used it, softly, to herself.

' _Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me… Lying on the floor, surround me, surround me… Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late… You found me… '_

The song's lyrics flowed and she neared the end when she caught sense that someone was watching her from the doorway.

She stopped abruptly and looked up, seeing both Amanda and Nick listening to her quietly.

"How long have you been there?" She gave a light laugh and Amanda smiled.

"A while. Haven't heard you sing in a while." She mused and Meredith simply gave a shrug before she looked down.

"Sorry, probably shouldn't have pulled this thing out without asking you Nick."

She missed his dismissive wave and the loving smile Amanda gave him. "Don't worry Mere, it's been years since I've played it. Almost forgot I had it to be honest."

"Oh, you play?" She glanced back up, interested and slightly less embarrassed.

"Used to, as I said, it's been a while." He gave a chuckle before continuing. "You play well though, you keep it if you want."

Nick knew he's stuck gold in the teenager's eyes as he saw her face light up. She rested it against the bed before moving forward to give Nick a hug which surprised both adults.

They stood in silence for a while, before Nick mentioned something about starting dinner and left mother and daughter together, knowing Amanda had something she wanted to talk to Meredith about.

Meredith sat down on the bed, and watched dubiously as Amanda moved to join her.

"You okay?" Amanda asked and Meredith gave her usual nod.

"I'm okay, or I will be or something." She replied a little more truthfully and raised an eyebrow as her mother looked away.

"Do you still wish we lived in Atlanta?"

Meredith gave a shrug. "I did, I guess but New York's kind of home in its own way too."

At Amanda's small smile it was Meredith's turn to ask questions.

"Why are you bringing up Atlanta?"

"There's something I want to tell you about it, why I was so desperate for us to leave…" She trailed off and looked at her hands. Meredith moved back to lean against the wall and Amanda followed suit.

The teenager stayed silent, partly to allow her mother to speak, and partly as she didn't know what to say.

"You remember Platton don't you? He was chief of the unit I was in."

Meredith gave a nod after a moment, she did remember him. He was the man at the police department who always called her 'Darlin''.

"Well… When my sister ended up in lockup, it was a night when I was on the night shift…"

"You were on a lot of them…" Meredith mused and Amanda sighed. It was true, but at this moment was completely beside the point and she knew if she didn't talk about this now, she probably never would.

"In order to get her out of there, I agreed to his request." As soon as she'd said it, Meredith sat up straight and faced her.

"Wait a minute?" She paused and Amanda could see the cogs in her brain turn as she figured it out. Meredith was no longer the innocent little girl that Amanda had raised and it didn't take her long.

"No, did he…?" Amanda gave a quick nod, and Meredith went silent. "I'm sorry mom." She said softly and they sat together for awhile before Meredith reached forward and pulled Nick's guitar into her grasp.

Meredith understood. She was mature enough to know what her mother needed and that was for her to leave it. Amanda didn't want to tell her the details and Meredith was okay with that. She was very much the same. She didn't feel angry anymore about leaving Atlanta,

She strummed the strings softly for a while before picking up a tune.

" _I never understood what was at stake, I never thought ya love was worth its weight. Now you come and gone, I finally worked it out, I worked it out…" _

She hummed part of the song and eventually ended and looked at Amanda.

"You don't have to explain, but I get why you told me. So thank you."

Amanda grabbed her free hand and gave it a squeeze and a thankful smile.

Neither of them were people who liked to wallow in their sadness and Meredith gave her mother a tight hug and they stayed like that for a while.

At the sound of Nick clearing his throat they both looked to the doorway. He gave a smile at the sight of the two before speaking.

"So I don't feel like cooking, how about takeout pizza?" He asked and Meredith laughed before standing and proposing an idea of her own.

"Can we go out for dinner? The three of us?" As soon as she'd spoken she busied herself with placing the guitar back in its case.

The two adults shared a surprised look and half an hour later they were sat in a small diner nearby.

Meredith watched from her side of the booth as her mother listened to what Nick was saying. When they fell into silence, Meredith spoke up.

"So when did you start playing guitar?" She asked Nick, before taking a sip of water.

"Ah picked it up in college."

Meredith nodded before she sensed the adults tension and stood.

"I'll be back, just going to the bathroom." She said quietly before leaving toward the ladies room.

Amanda knew why her daughter had left, and decided to use her time wisely.

"We should tell Cragen you know. About us…" She gave a small laugh and he turned to face her properly.

"One of us will probably have to transfer, right?" He said slowly and she nodded.

"Maybe, yeah I guess." She knew that it probably would have to happen but she also had the small hope that maybe their captain would make an exception, with the situation they had.

"I'd do it you know." He grabbed her hand and gave it a small squeeze. At her confused smile he continued, "because I want you, everything."

Amanda was about to reply when a phone started ringing, and Nick shrugged and gave a dismissive laugh as he pulled his phone from his pocket and answered it.

She found herself listening as he spoke and quickly realised that they were talking about Lewis.

"Yeah, thanks Fin, we'll be there soon…" He ended the call and looked at her.

"They got Lewis. He's on route to the hospital as we speak."

Meredith appeared then, and at the sight of them standing, her face fell.

"Something's happened, hasn't it?"

**So not much really happened in this chapter, but I still feel like it was needed, yeah?**

**As aways, leave any requests in a review below and I'll try fit your ideas in...**

**Also planning on adding in a Chicago PD crossover at some point coming up so stay tuned. **

**Thanks for continuing to read!**

**Liv x**


	25. Chapter 25

**Sorry for the wait, lost motivation to write this yet again. Had it planned and just couldn't write it.**

**Made myself write this chapter a couple of nights ago and really like it!**

**Please review, it means a lot to me, so yeah...**

**Only have 3? more chapters planned to write at the moment so there might not be much more of this novel,**

**I know it means a lot to all you guys, so if ya'll want me to write a little something in Meredith's future at some point let me know!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.**

**Enjoy x**

The ride to the station was silent and Meredith was surprised at the calm feeling she had. She expected for everything to become emotional and for her night with Lewis to be brought to the surface, but it never came.

As soon as they got there, they were met by Liv who was on her phone at first glance. She hung up when they approached and Meredith found herself trying to get a read on the situation.

Before she had a chance to work anything else, what she wanted to hear was spoken.

"He's gone into surgery. Doesn't look good. Fin's there now waiting. I didn't know if you'd want to go there or here."

Both Amanda and Nick were cut off by Meredith who stepped forward with a new found confidence. "I want to stay here. I don't like hospitals." She hummed and they all nodded understandingly.

They bustled inside at that, glad for the sudden warmth. It felt too warm for Meredith who quickly shed her jacket. She was surprised when she realised she had goose bumps, but didn't think much of it. Maybe it was just nerves.

She sat in a chair at Amanda's desk, a cup of hot chocolate in her hand as they waited and it seemed to drag on for an eternity. Eventually her drink was finished and she had nothing left to act as a distraction. Placing the cup behind her she gave a sigh and began tapping her foot.

The tapping of her foot quickly esculated into pacing and she could feel everyone's eyes following her as she moved. Eventually her anger and anxiety fizzled, and as she made her way back toward her chair, she struck out with her foot, kicking it over.

Slightly sheepish, Meredith retrieved the poor chair and sat back down. At that point she wished everyone would simply stop watching her and get back to work. More than anything though, she wanted this to be over, for good.

The trial of her first case had carried on without her. Barba had so very kindly told Amanda they could try prosecute him without Meredith as a witness and the teenager hadn't cared at that point. All the evidence was stacked against him and it seemed he had no chance.

She never asked about the verdict until the other day, and when Barba had straightened his suit, pulled up a chair and sat down next to her, a sick feeling had come across her. She was sure they'd lost, but they hadn't. It had been a miracle really, one she wasn't expecting. She didn't know how to feel, and she still wasn't sure how she was meant to feel about it. Right at this moment she didn't know how to explain her feelings and that was something she hated.

What she did next, surprised her even more and it was something she'd never expected herself to do. After staring into space for a while she stood again but instead of pacing the length of the bullpen she'd excused herself to the bathroom.

Checking she was alone, she locked herself in a stall and reached into the pocket of her jeans. Leaning against the door, she pulled out a small baggie of pain medicaton. The one's she hadn't really thought of taking, until this stupid little moment.

She popped the bag open and grabbed 3 out of the 5 that she had with her. Thinking that she heard someone at the main door, she swallowed them down before stuffing the bag back in her pocket and flushing the toilet.

Seeing herself in the mirror she groaned, before turning on the tap. She looked totally guilty and she definitely had to keep that in check in front of the others.

Finally exiting, she strode back across the room and looked at Liv as she sat down.

"Heard anything?"

Liv was just shaking her head in response when her phone rang out, loud in the near quiet space.

The phone call was quick and Meredith kept her eyes glued on the older detective as she spoke.

As soon as she'd hung up Meredith knew the verdict and stood as Liv told them the news.

"Died on the table, bled out. He's gone." She spoke shortly, as if it didn't matter, and it didn't, not anymore.

No one said anything. But Meredith stumbled forward into her mother's arms, who wrapped her up in a tight hug. Her mind was cloudy but amongst the haze, Meredih could pick one feeling. Freedom.

It gave her the hope that maybe she could move on. Then she remembered that mere minutes ago she'd thrown back several oxycodone pills and her eyes fluttered shut.

Maybe it wouldn't be as easy as she thought, but she felt calm, and free, like a weight had been lifted from her shoulder's.

Now she knew there was only one more thing she really needed to do, and that was talk to Jamie. About everything and she knew it wasn't going to be easy and that it had the possibility to ruin everything they had

She was ready to risk it, what more did she have to lose?

She couldn't think of much.

**x**

The next few days went by slowly and despite her thought of moving on, Meredith had continued to take her pills every once and a while, enjoying the fogginess of her mind when she took them.

It was like she was at sea, drowning in crashing waves. But they didn't hurt. They threw her and pulled her down, deeper but she felt nothing.

Life went on and all Meredith could do was drown. She didn't fight it, she just stopped swimming. Jamie had started calling her again. She hadn't found it in herself to ring him back or answer the phone yet, she simply stayed in her room at Nick's and stared at the ceiling, the waves crashing over her.

Maybe dying was the best thing for her, maybe then everything would be over and done. That's what she wanted and as the days dragged on and her mind filled with cloudy, drug induced thoughts she began to come to terms with what she really wanted, what she needed.

She needed her father. She needed to speak her mind, her thoughts, everything. Nothing could bring him back however and she knew that even dying herself, would guarantee she'd see him.

It was a gamble. One she was scared she might try and take.

Another day later, she finally picked up when Jamie called her and she sensed the surprise in his voice when he did. She didn't know what to say so she stayed silent.

"Meredith?" He finally whispered and she nodded to herself,

"It's okay Jamie, okay just… I'm okay, we're okay. Tell me that." She hummed into the phone eventually when she figured he was about to hang up the phone.

"We're okay. I need to see you. I need to." He told her and she gave a sigh, rolling onto her side and closing her eyes.

"There's a park near Nick's house. I'll meet you there at 2pm." She muttered before giving him directions. He agreed and after they'd said their goodbyes and ended the call she remembered that Jamie was meant to have school.

He was obviously desperate to see her however, and Meredith wasn't going to dissapoint the boy. She owed him it and with that thought in her head, she slowly dragged herself to the bathroom and into the shower.

When she was done, she wrapped a towel around her marred body and returned to her bedroom. She didn't have everything, but she had a lot of her stuff at Nick's. The idea of Amanda and her moving back to their own apartment still had not been mentioned.

Meredith knew them staying here could easily turn into a permenant thing and she almost figured she wanted that. She let her mind dwel on that as she pulled out a pair of sweat pants and hoodie. At this point she didn't want Jamie seeing any scars or marks that had been inflicted upon her. That was too much, for both of them.

She dabbed a bit of make up on her face before lacing her Nike's and grabbing her phone. It was nearing 1.30pm and she sensed the fresh air would do her good.

Amanda had popped into work for something and Meredith had been left alone at the apartment for the day and while it was incredibly lonely, it made it awfully easily to leave.

Arriving early at the park she moved to the swings where she sat waiting. Nerves didn't come up at any point and she felt calm and as it ticked over to 2pm she found herself watching the entry without so much of a blink.

It was a little after 2pm when she caught sight of Jamie, and the smile that came across her face quickly dissapeared when she noticed someone next to him.

From the distance she was at she couldn't tell who it was, but as they neared Meredith gave a groan and stood, turning to hurry off in the opposite direction.

She'd started leaving when the other voice called out to her, stopping her in her tracks.

"Meredith wait, please." It was all they said and before she turned to face them, she shut her eyes tightly, willing it to simply be a dream.

Nothing was worth it anymore.

She stopped swimming and let the waves take over,

Meredith knew how to swim. She was a fighter, but this time things had changed. Swimming against the current just didn't seem worth it.

And with that she began to travel with it, sinking deeper and deeper and deeper.

**Again I really like this chapter and it would mean a lot to me if you guys left a review!**

**Also I have no idea who's walking into the park with Jamie hahah, so any ideas let me know! Well I have a little idea, but anyway...**

**Leave any other requests you have in a review if you want (;**

**Thanks for your ongoing support,**

**Liv x**


	26. Chapter 26

**Hey guys,**

**So, I have some news. **

**This is the second to last chapter.**

**Both the views/reviews on this have declined over the past few and I feel like it's time to wrap things up.**

**I have planned the final chapter and will hopefully upload it in the next week or so.**

**This is an incredibly sad decision, but I feel like it's time!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.**

**Please review!**

**Enjoy x**

No matter how hard she tried to let herself sink, the voice of Ainsley still cut through the waves, and it was a voice she couldn't ignore.

Turning round, a hopeful smile crossed the red heads face, and a look of concern appeared when she took in Meredith.

"What are you doing here Ainsley?" Meredith quipped, shoving her hands into her pockets.

"I just had to see you, and well… Apologise… For everything."

Meredith looked to Jamie briefly who didn't meet her eye and then he spoke.

"Ah well me too I guess. Can we sit down?"

The waves crashed down over her, harder, louder and she hardly heard his voice until he gestured toward a picnic table near them.

They sat down, Ainsley and Jamie on one side and Meredith on the other, where she sat nervously tapping her foot.

"Okay first up, I'm really sorry about that Friday night, I shouldn't have tricked you into coming, it was just meant to be a good time, but it obviously wasn't, with you and Ollie… So then I guess I'm sorry for posting that photo on Facebook. That was totally private, whatever you two did, or didn't do. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend Mere, I really am."

Meredith exhaled, trying to take in Ainsley's words for what they were before she replied, and when she did, she couldn't hear the snarky tone to her voice.

"You know I was raped, that Friday night? I was raped and left to die in an alleyway and then a couple of weeks ago, some psychopath held me captive in my own apartment, doing things to me that you couldn't even handle if I told you. So while your apology stands, and thank you I suppose, for saying that, I don't accept."

Jamie looked down, and Ainsley went pale at that and when neither of them could find anything to say, Meredith stood.

"Meredith wait, I understand that, that you can't forgive me, it's my own fault and I know that, even if I don't want to live with it, but I just want you to be okay."

"Thanks." Meredith muttered under her breath and turned to leave. No one said anything to stop her, so she continued on, walking back toward the entrance of the park. She was halfway there when she heard running footsteps behind her, and in a fleeting moment of fear, she spun around to nearly collide with Jamie.

There was something different about him, he seemed like he was trying to distance himself from her and perhaps she couldn't blame him.

"Hey Meredith. I just have a little something to say…" The way he spoke brought about a sick feeling in the pit of Meredith's stomach and she could almost predict what he was going to say next.

"I don't think we should do this. Not now anyway. You need time, space to heal. That's something you need to do with your family. Not me. I'm really sorry you know, but I guess the timing's just not right. But like Ainsley, I just want you to be okay."

Meredith didn't, couldn't say anything to that and a numb feeling crossed her veins. She turned, almost in slow motion and moved away from Jamie who did nothing to stop her. She didn't look back, but as she exited the park, she broke into a run, and with tears spilling down her cheeks, she ran the whole way back to Nick's empty apartment.

**x**

Meredith sighed. It was a couple of weeks later and she'd been doing that a lot lately. Things were going okay, but they were also going badly and it was hard for the teenager to explain. She couldn't find any solid ground and what she really needed was someone with a fresh set of eyes, a broader perspective.

She'd thought about asking Amanda if she could see a therapist, but then she realised that actually meant having to say the words and embarrassment stopped her from doing so.

The teenger still hadn't told anyone about Jamie, even when someone mentioned that they hadn't seen him in a while. It killed her, but she stayed quiet and shrugged. Of course she also couldn't tell anyone about the pills. She'd run out of her prescription lot, so a few days ago she'd made an appointment at a free clinic and gotten a new one, which the doctor had written out, hardly asking any questions. So what Meredith needed at this point, was a new perspective, a stranger.

Picking a red pencil out of her case, she started shading in her latest picture with a gentle touch. Her drawing had improved in leaps and bounds and she was starting to contemplate doing it for money, but this time it was her steak of perfectionism that stopped her from doing so.

A while later, she'd moved to a black pencil and was so caught up in her work that the sound of her mothers phone ringing made her jump, sending the tip of the pencil across the paper.

"Darn." She mumbled, before settling back in her chair and grabbing an eraser.

She had just finished erasing the black mark on the paper when Amanda's cell phone rang and Meredith, slightly surprised that her mother had forgotten it, picked it up and checked the caller ID.

It was an unknown number but simply figuring it was Amanda calling off someone else's phone, with a shrug and scrutinising over her drawing as she answered.

"Amanda's phone." She said quietly.

"Oh, this is Detective Erin Lindsay, from Chicago. Is Amanda around?"

"Hi, Detective Lindsay. No, she left her phone here sorry and I'm not sure when she'll be back. I'm Meredith by the way, her daughter."

"Hey Meredith. Can you tell her to call me when she gets back? Aren't you meant to be at school?"

Meredith gave a soft laugh. "That'd take a year and a half to explain, it's a long story. Can I take a message?" As soon as she'd finished speaking Meredith blinked. Maybe this was the fresh eyes perspective she was looking for. Business first though.

"Oh yeah? Let her know that we here in Chicago think we have a perp that's headed to you guys in New York. Technically would fall into the SVU devision."

"Yeah I'll let her know when she gets back. Tell her to give you a call." Meredith spoke dismissively. It had only been a month since Lewis had been declared brain dead and her case had been put to rest. The thought of another monster coming to New York wasn't something she wanted to think about.

"Thanks. Are you okay?" Lindsay added on the end as she heard a scuffle on the other end of the call.

"I will be I guess." Meredith's eyes drifted over her picture for the hundredth time, and furrowing her brow, she held the phone between her shoulder and ear, ripping the piece of paper from the sketch book, scrunching it and throwing it into the nearest trash can.

"I don't want to hang up if you want to talk?" The Chicago detective pressed and Meredith struggled to keep herself in check. Although she wanted a stranger, this wasn't the time or place to have such a discussion.

"I gotta go sorry, bye." Meredith said shortly before hanging up, and placing her head into her hands.

After a moment of feeling sorry for herself, she put the cell phone back on the desk and started a new drawing, this time of the New York skyline.

Meredith was just placing the finishing touches on her small sketch when the team entered the bullpen, looking happy at an obviously good ending to a case.

Amanda quickly made her way over to her desk where Meredith was sat and grabbed her phone.

"Erin Lindsay rang, from Chicago, said something about a case and wanted you to call her." Meredith said with a small smile and Amanda looked at her before going into the recent calls section of her phone and pressing on the latest number.

"Thanks Mere. You okay there for a bit longer?" The teenager gave a nod before glancing over at the clock on the wall, before leaning back in the desk chair and found herself listening to her mother's end of the conversation.

**X**

It had been a while since Amanda had heard anything from the Chicago detective that she'd known from a trip to the city on a case they'd had when she'd first joined the New York team.

Erin picked up quickly, obviously having been waiting for her call.

"Detective Rollins?" She checked and once she knew who she was talking to, she filled the blonde in on the case they'd had and why they thought he was heading, or running to New York.

Amanda listened to the young detectives reasoning before speaking up.

"Sounds like you could be onto something. I'll let you know if we hear of anything that sounds like your perp and you're welcome to come up here and help us catch the son of a bitch."

Erin thanked her and after a few more words they started bidding each other goodbye, until Captain Cragen appeared from his office, gaining everybody's attention.

"We got a case. Suspected over dose, signs of sexual assault."

The others stood and began grabbing their coats until Amanda broke the silence, Erin still on the phone.

"Do we know anything about where he found his vic?"

Cragen cleared his throat, leaning in the doorway.

"Uniforms who found her said she had a lanyard with some kind of pass to a music night club."

"I think you better get yourself and your team up here, Lindsay." Amanda said in to the phone and at that, Meredith gave a small half smile to herself.

The two hung up and Amanda gave her daughter a kiss on the top of the head before pocketing her phone and hurrying after the other detectives, who were already on their way out.

Meredith had the thought of a fresh perspective in her head as she watched them leave, and again, she was left in the quiet noise of the bullpen.

Perhaps Erin Lindsay could be that person. Then again, there was no point getting her hopes up.

This time however, there were no crashing waves. They'd settled, her mind was quiet and maybe it was now, that she would begin to swim.

Because when you drown, you sink, and then you begin to flail and panic, air escaping your lungs. In that moment of panic is when you begin to swim, and maybe now, that was what Meredith was trying to do.

She'd tried to sink faster, give up. She hadn't panicked, simply gone with it.

Maybe it wasn't over.

**The next chapter will be the final one, so please review for the second to last time?**

**I know I'll miss writing this, and I guess you guys will miss reading it? **

**I have the final chapter all planned so no requests will be taken this time sorry.**

**I have a big conclusion at the end so, please look out for chapter 27!**

**Thanks for your ongoing support, let's finish this one together?**

**Liv x**


	27. Chapter 27 (Final)

**Okay guys, here it is.**

**Chapter 27, the final chapter of Fragile Ghosts...**

**Also, not going to lie, I cried a little writing this and I really hope this is a satisfying ending for Meredith and the team. I really, really like this chapter so I guess I hope you do too.**

**So, I've never written anything this long before and I've also never finished anything this long before. Most of my stories end unfinished, and I wanted to thank each and every one of you, because without you, Meredith would only be a story in my mind and not on paper. You have inspired me and without your constant support this chapter would never be posted.**

**So thank you for all the reviews, favourites and follows. Whether you read one chapter or all, just thank you.**

**Please let this one go out with a bang and give me a last review, it obviously means a lot, so why not!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters, nor am I making a profit from this work.**

**Happy reading and thank you,**

**Liv x**

The next few days went by in a panic inducing blur. The precinct had been as busy and loud as ever, with a lot of raised, stressed voices. It hadn't taken long for Meredith to shut everything out, and she'd hardly managed two words to anyone.

From her place in the corner of the squad room, where she managed to tuck herself out of the way. Amanda was talking to one of the other Chicago detectives, who was holding an evidence bag of some kind. Liv was on the phone, Nick and Fin were out chasing a lead and Sergeant Voight was pacing in front of the draw board they'd brought in.

Feeling eyes on her for a change, she swung her focus to the door of the break room, where Erin was emerging, fresh cup of coffee in her hand. The detective raised an eyebrow at the teenager before moving past over to Voight. They were closing in on the perp they had, and all their efforts had been placed into finding his location. The closer they got to him however, the more claustrophobic Meredith felt and it was a feeling she couldn't shake, like something was closing in on her chest, making it harder to breathe.

With a sigh, she pulled herself out of her chair and swinging past Amanda's desk, she pulled her guitar out from under it where she kept it out of the way, and slipping the bag over her shoulder, she hurried toward the door, the one that led to the roof, where it was quiet.

Taking the steps two at a time, she almost missed hearing the door open and close again behind her as a certain Chicago detective followed her slowly, curiously.

Making it to the top floor, Meredith twisted the handle of the door and pushed it open. It was reasonably sunny, and there was a light wind, which ruffled her hair as she moved forward, to sit on the floor, her back against the surrounding wall.

She'd never managed to bring herself to look over the edge. Not because she was scared of the height, but because she was scared of being over come; by herself.

Never the less, the view was something that Meredith had never found the words for and looking out over the city, at the skyscrapers that still towered over where she was it was hard to believe that there was such ugliness, hidden in its deep crevices.

Pulling her guitar from its bag, she held it, not strumming or singing, simply thinking and as a song came to mind, before she could bring herself to sing it, she grabbed a small container from her guitar bag and popped it open, giving a small smile before throwing back a couple of the circular pills.

' do you remember what the city sounded like? so stay up with me, don't fall asleep, because we only have this moment once in our lives… and I knew I couldn't keep you if I tried. But I watched as the distance spread as the shadows grew and the longings came like wolves to devour you… '

Her father crossed her mind as she sang, and eventually she trailed off into silence, and let her guitar fall into her lap. She didn't cry, but placed her guitar next her and moved onto her knees, peering over the ledge, carefully and then with a sense of longing.

She would look at every one in their current double team and every one seemed to fit into place. Even without knowing each other, they managed to work side by side, in harmony. And Meredith couldn't ignore the feeling that she was an outsider and that perhaps she'd never fit in, even if she spent the rest of her life trying to, but what kind of life would that be?

Slumping back down against the wall, she looked up, to see Erin Lindsay, standing at the door that led to the stairs that led back to the squad room, that led back to where she should be.

Not saying anything, and not knowing how long the detective had been there, she looked away. Erin didn't say anything either to start with, but moved forward to sit cross legged next to the teenager.

"How long?" She eventually said softly and Meredith tucked a wild strand of hair behind her ear before exhaling, knowing exactly what she was referring to.

"Few weeks I guess."

"I heard about what happened, and I'm really sorry…" Erin started before Meredith cut her off.

"Everyone's sorry. I'm sick of it. It's too late to be sorry, what's the fucking point? I don't need people to tell me they're sorry. They have nothing to be sorry for."

"I won't say sorry for saying it then." Erin gave a light laugh and eventually Meredith did to.

"I don't know what to do." Meredith looked down at her hands, and only looked up when Erin placed on of hers over the teenagers.

"Well this isn't the way, believe me, I've tried. The weight of the world will only get heavier. There's nothing fun about the lying either, right?" At Meredith's shrug, Erin gave a tiny smile, knowing she might be getting somewhere with the blonde.

"It is what it is."

"It doesn't have to be, though. Ever since the attack, people have been telling you they're sorry, and that's not what you need, all you really need is comfort, yeah? Someone to tell you that it's going to be okay, and not look at you like a bomb that could go off at any minute…?"

Meredith nodded this time before turning to face Erin, and at the sad look on her face, Erin braced herself for the next comment.

"I can't tell mom, it'll kill her. I never should have done this in the first place. I just wanted some control, the upper hand, it was killing me and I almost let it. How can I bring myself to tell my mother that? That I wanted to die? He almost killed me himself, and I was going to finish the job he couldn't do?"

They were silent for a while until Erin spoke up. "You need to see this from a different perspective." She paused before continuing, "Your mom's part of the SVU department, and she worked her way up into this area, to help people that need it, victims, well survivors. These people, need help, shoulders to lean on, and ways to cope. Anyway where I'm going with this, is that we see people in their weakest moments and that's okay, because it's our job to help them get out of those moments."

"I have to tell her, I know that. I got myself into this mess but I need help getting out of it."

At Erin's nod she looked down, fighting against the urge to start crying.

"Will you come with me? When I tell her? I don't think I can do it alone."

"Of course. We can do it later today." Erin placed an arm around her shoulder and Meredith leaned into it, finally defeated.

They sat with their backs against the view of New York for a while until Erin stood, and offered a hand to help Meredith to her feet.

Meredith took it slowly, quickly shoved her guitar back in its case as she knocked the container she'd been keeping her pills in. It hit the concrete and rolled forward, and before Meredith could move or say anything, Erin stepped forward and grabbed it, pocketing it before offering Meredith a half smile.

"Safe with me. I'll get rid of em'."

Following Erin back down the stairs, Meredith found herself slowing, knowing Amanda would be concerned the minute they arrived back in the squad room. Not even a busy room and a stressful case could hide that.

However, when they arrived back down stairs and came through the door, they came to an almost empty room.

Meredith went to breathe a sigh of relief, until the sight of her mother coming out of Cragen's office came into focus.

Shit.

Hanging back by the door, she looked down in an attempt to get out of the coming event. Erin had taken her promise seriously though and Meredith didn't miss the Chicago detectives next words.

"Can we talk to you?" At Amanda's concerned glance at her daughter Erin gave her a smile, and the teenager followed the two into the hardly needed privacy of the break room.

"What's this about?" Amanda asked quietly once they'd sat down, hardly knowing who to direct the question to. She looked straight at her daughter, when she noticed her hands shaking.

"I just need you to listen and not yell or anything okay?" Meredith said only a little louder than a whisper.

"Okay?"

"Well, I wanted to say, tell you that well, I'm not… Fine…." Looking down she felt her cheeks flush and again, found herself holding back hot tears.

Amanda looked to Erin before moving back to her daughter and she leant forward in her seat before speaking.

"Honey, I don't expect you to be okay. What you went through is unthinkable, but we're here to help you. It absolutely nearly killed me when I found you, I thought you were dead. The doctors didn't think you'd make it through surgery and when I got to see you? I've never been more grateful in my life. Because, you are my life. And your father would be saying the same things if he was here right now, because we love you, it's our job. Even if you make stupid decisions, I'm aways going to be here to help you out of them, you're my daughter."

"I've been taking pills…" Meredith said shortly, shrinking back in her seat. Amanda closed her eyes for a moment, and as Meredith looked up she broke down into tears, heaving sobs that she thought would drown her faster than any act of her mind.

Amanda quickly moved round the table, where she kneeled in front of her daughter. Meredith instantly lurched forward into her arms, shaking as she cried.

"It's okay, you're allowed to break darling, you're allowed." Amanda said quietly, as she ran her hand up and down her daughters back in a soothing manner.

Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Erin stand and slip out the door, giving them their privacy.

"I didn't want to disappoint you." Meredith said between sobs, and eventually after a few more words of comfort from Amanda, her hiccuping cries turned into quiet tears.

"You know I love you, but I think we need to realise that ultimately, you need help. More than I can give you by myself."

"I know." Meredith said softly.

"Come here." Amanda whispered, feeling tears of her own beginning to well in her eyes, as her and her daughter fell back into a hug.

They stayed in the break room for a while, mostly finding some sort of strength in each others comfort, but eventually Amanda brought up the idea of Meredith going into a treatment clinic.

The words had stung at first, but Meredith knew she had to do it, for herself more than anything.

"I have a few contacts I can talk to, okay?" Amanda asked and Meredith nodded.

"Thank you." They fell back into silence before Meredith gave a half smile.

"Did you solve the case?"

Amanda gave a small laugh before she nodded. "Something like that."

"I'm glad. But does that mean the Chicago team will be leaving?"

At another of Amanda's nods Meredith gave a sad look. "I never got to talk to any of them…" She drifted off before shrugging.

"How about I go get on the phone, before everyone arrives back?"

The two stood at the suggestion and Meredith followed her mother back to her desk, and as Amanda sat down to look through her drawers, Meredith moved over to Erin, who was sitting at Nick's desk to give her a hug.

"Thank you Erin." Meredith said and smiled at Erin's comment.

"Anytime, kid. Life happens, sometimes faster than we live it, it's hard to get perspective on that."

With a nod and another small smile, Meredith moved back over to Amanda, as she heard the rest of the team come through the doors of the squad room. Liv and Voight moved straight past, on either side of the perp who was in cuffs. Fin and Halstead followed them toward the interrogation room and Nick moved straight to Amanda's desk.

At the sight of Meredith, who had quite obviously been crying he gave her a questioning look and she moved forward, before he could hear the nature of Amanda's conversation.

"You better look after her." Meredith told him with a quipped eyebrow, before hurrying into a hug. Eventually Nick moved back, and looked her in the eye.

"Where are you going to be?" He asked quietly, and Meredith sighed before answering.

"Getting help, I suppose."

Amanda hung up her phone then and turned her chair to face the two.

"The place I called has no spaces, but I was given the contact of someone who can take you."

"Guess I should pack my bags then." Meredith gave a rye laugh before noticing Nick's confused expression.

"I'm uh, getting help..." She said softly. "You could say I came clean, about everything."

He gave a small nod, still not saying anything, and then he moved forward and pulled her into a hug. Neither of them needed to say anything.

**X**

It was late afternoon by the time the suspect had been taken into custody, and Amanda had organised a clinic that had a bed for Meredith.

Meredith hadn't really known what to expect the others to think at the news and for a while she'd hoped that they wouldn't find out, but that was the inevitable thing about family. Secrets were hard to keep.

They'd all hugged her and even the rest of the Chicago team had wished her well, and even at their accepting nature, Meredith couldn't hide the fact she was letting them down.

"It's time to go Mere, they wanted you there by tonight…" Amanda eventually said, pulling the teenager away from everyone.

With a small smile and nod, Meredith hugged them all one last time and went to follow Amanda and Nick, who said he would drive them.

They were just reaching the elevator when Erin caught up to them, and after glancing at her mother, Meredith stepped away to meet her.

"Thank you again, Erin." Meredith murmured and was a little surprised when the woman drew her in for a hug.

"I know this seems unimaginable and you probably feel stripped down to your raw truths, but this is your chance for things to fall back into place." She started softly before drawing to a whisper, "and call me if you happen to need a friend, but Meredith, you better not go breaking my heart." Erin handed her a paper business card, that the teenager recognised as hers. There was something written on the back of it in small handwriting, but Meredith pushed it into her pocket, for later.

With one last wave, she hurried after Amanda and Nick into the elevator and down to Nick's car. They stopped off at his apartment on their way, so Meredith could pack a few of her things and the last thing she placed in her bag was both a picture of her and her father, and a picture of her, Nick and Amanda.

She'd hid from them for weeks, but in the end it was family that was going to get her through this, and that was something Meredith didn't want to forget.

**X**

The drive took longer than expected and Meredith was half asleep when they finally arrived at the clinic, and the second thoughts began to kick in as she was helped out of the back seat.

Instinctively grabbing her mothers hand as they moved toward the entry, Amanda pulled her daughter closer, wrapping a hand round her waist in a hope of comfort and with a smile at Nick, who held the door for them, the three entered the building.

They were met at reception by a nurse with a name badge of Sasha and she allowed them a few minutes of goodbye.

Meredith didn't have much to say, and there weren't enough minutes left in the day for Amanda to tell her what she needed, but they settled on a hug and the promise that Amanda would try come visit her in the next few days. Meredith gave Nick a quick hug too and her words surprised him a little, but as soon as she'd said them he knew what she meant.

"Remember what I said; look after her."

With that, she hugged Amanda once more before Sasha picked up her bag and led her down the hall and through a set of double doors

This was it, and it seemed dire, but a surge of hope crossed Meredith's mind at the thought that maybe she'd made her father proud and at the idea he was happy, for Amanda's sake.

And Nick had just started the car when he turned to face Amanda, and before he could say anything himself, she spoke.

"I think we should have a break, from whatever this is you know?

Nick shook his head.

"You're an idiot, loveable, but an idiot. I love you, Amanda and none of this should mean we need to take a break. Family is what Meredith needs more than anything right now and it's also what you need because, what she's going through? You're going through too and that's something you can't do alone."

"Nick…." Amanda trailed off, looking down at her hands, but her gaze was quickly brought back up to Nick at his next words.

"When Meredith gets out of rehab, we're getting married okay? I love you and I love Meredith, like she's my own and I want us to be a family, whatever that means."

They stared at each other for a minute before Amanda moved forward and met Nick in a kiss and it was at that moment when she realised how lucky she was to have met such a guy. When Paul died, she never thought she'd know anyone as kind and wonderful as him, but the day Nick walked through the doors of the squad room, there was a spark.

There was no denying that.

**X**

It was later that night when Meredith finally pulled the card Erin had given her out of her pocket to read and when she did, she didn't think she'd ever read anything so true.

_The view's always pretty from a distance and it always seems like that, until you see it up close. Then all you see is broken buildings and relationships and people and you think you'll never see it in the same beautiful way again. Life's always romantically idealistic from a distance, but there is nothing romantic about living a window shop kind of life. And in the end, there's something pretty about the ugly grittiness that life is, that we make it. Because it's real, and so are you. Life goes on._

_Remember that._

**I don't really have much more to say, but I hope you liked this final chapter.**

**Overall, I'm super happy with the characterisation and the development of Meredith and the others and I feel like I gave them all a satisfactory ending?**

**Some of you may not like my decision to include Erin in such a huge way but I really felt like her character was a good one to help Meredith understand how she needed help. I was a little stuck on how to write her but in the end I just went with it in a way where I wrote her as the person I needed when I was in a position only a little different to Meredith.**

**This story is incredibly close to my heart and I am so, so glad that all you out there have loved it as much as I've loved writing it.**

**It seems only yesterday that I had 3000 words of this written and went through and changed Olivia to Amanda. Imagine how different the story would have been if Meredith was Olivia's daughter? But there were already a few out there so I wanted to do something different and look how it paid off?**

**I know I've had a few requests to write a sequel of some sorts and if you are interested please PM me on here with some sort of idea to get the ball rolling, because at the moment I don't really have anything and it all depends where you want Meredith to go…**

**I hope the Rollaro in this chapter was alright and I'm pretty pleased with how their relationship moved and developed through the story.**

**Again thank you so much for reading and reviewing this, you all seem to have become pretty invested in Meredith and yeah, I don't really know what to say or how to thank you all to be honest…**

**Anyway so this is the end and you know, look out for a sequel?**

**Flick me a final review if you feel like it, let me know how you liked it**

**And any ideas for a sequel…**

**Thank you, you are all superb, as Amanda would say!**

**Much love,**

**Liv x**


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